Green Jello & Chocolate Milkshakes....

Saturday afternoon and I'm still wiped out. I can normally push through anything but I can't push through this. All I've ate over the past few days is jello (yummy green jello), a bit of broth, Dairy Queen chocolate milkshakes and yesterday I ate about 10 grapes. I'll never refuse food but even the scent of chicken wings and Royal Pizza wafting into my room last night didn't stir me into hunger.

I'm sending my man servant, my angel, my strength through this to pick me up a tetra pack of butternut squash soup. I'm hoping that a bit of food will give me the strength to sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time.

On a positive note I forgot to mention that my voice survived intact!! The pitch, projection and the sweetness all survived and I bowed to my surgeon yesterday in gratitude.

I've been trying to ease up on the painkillers but I'm no where near giving them up completely. I did sleep for 4 hours straight last night which was a feat and my dad is on his way over from my sister's and once he arrives I'll sleep again hopefully for at least 2.

I have so many emotions rising but its hurt so much to cry but a couple tears found their way to the surface fell into my bath water a few minutes ago.

When I was in the operating theatre as its called the nurse and the anesthesiologist were explaining to me all that was about to happen. They were just about to give me the drug interveneously to help me relax when I held on to the nurses arm and broke down in tears. They allowed me to listen to my ipod until the surgery so I had Liv Singh's Wahe Pachalbel Chant playing. It is said that if you are about to die chant Wahe Guru and you will immediately merge with the angels.

I honestly thought while I was lying on that gurney that this was the end of this lifetime as I knew it. I held on to the nurse's arm and cried not because I am afaid to die but because I was just overwrought with emotion, all the emotions that I still hadn't expressed in this life, in this body. All the joy, happiness, laughter, the ecstasy, the appreciation, the gratitude, the play!! All of it! I've been saying for so long that I feel like I've barely even begun to live my life. Many of you look at my life and think its filled with adventure and experience and it is but there is still so much more I want do. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything worth anything.

When I came to consciousness in the recovery room they brought me my ipod and it was still playing Wahe Pachalbel. As I laid there in and out of consciousness I was so surprised to still be here in this body. I really didn't think I was going to wake up hence ensuring before going in that day I had a makeshift will drawn up outlining distribution of my few valuable possessions.

Today as I enjoy the luxury of doing nothing except sleeping and staring into space I am mindful of each breath I take (labourious as they are) I'm grateful for each one. Today is a new day and I have been granted a new life to make it as I wish. All you you reading this have that opportunity right now at this moment too. You don't have to endure what I did to appreciate that today, this moment is the first day of the rest of your life!! Wahe Guru (this means - I am in ecstacy when I experience the indescribable wisdom of the universe!)!! And now... more green jello!!