Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday! The sun is shining and I'm listening to Hari Bhajan's 'We Are God' ~ 'life is so beautiful, its such a gift, we are one'. I had so many FaceBook birthday wishes when woke up this morning! I truly feel very loved today. Thank you to all of you! I have three beautiful women friends who share my birthday with me, Leanne, Robin and Tracey. Happy Birthday to all of you, too!

There is also Brian Little who I share my birthday with. Brian was two years younger than me and his brother Warren one year younger. I met Warren when I was one and a half years old. I can clearly remember our moms holding us up introducing us. Warren was my very first friend and then came Brian. We were the three musketeers and we were neighbours until I was in my 20's after my mom died and my Dad sold the house. The three of us did everything together as kids. I was quite the tomboy, no barbies for this chick! I just couldn't understand why you would want to sit around dressing and undressing plastic dolls when you could be tearing through the neighbourhood on your bike, climbing trees or building the world's greatest treefort! Warren, Brian and I did just that, we had the world's greatest treefort.

I'm sad that we don't have a picture of it but we made the whole thing ourselves out of scrap pieces of wood, nails and rope. It was off the ground and two stories. You had to use the rope to climb into it. Looking back I can't believe our parents let us sleep in there! I'm sure it was completely unsafe but for us it was a place of security. Other neighbourhood kids were jealous of our fort as they were always raiding it and us defending it. Like the day my nose was broken because Marty M. threw a dirt bomb at me and it had a rock in the center. Needless to say it hit me square in the nose! Yes, I was a tomboy. I don't recall how old I was but one birthday all I wanted was a green shirt so I could be camouflaged in the woods. I also wanted fried chicken, cream corn and mashed potatoes for dinner, definitely a favourite meal but then my Mom did make the best fried chicken ever!

Warren, Brian and I had siblings too. Me, two sisters, Julie and Marie. They had the twins, Keith and Karen. All seven of us grew up as one big family with four parents who all disciplined us when necessary. One Easter all seven of us thought it would be a good idea to throw rocks across the highway until one innocent driver ended up with a broken windshield. It was not a pleasant outcome for us kids.

I have so many memories of Warren and Brian. The one that stands out the most for all of us kids is when the three of us were playing on the Skidder. We had a Skidder because we lived out of town and our Dad's used it to plow the driveways and road of snow in the winter. It was a warm summer day and we were playing on it and one of us started it. We didn't mean to but it happened and it scared us so much because we had no idea how to turn it off. We had to call your Dad's at work. We thought for sure that we were in a heap of trouble but what ended up happening was a big barbecue and lots of people. It was a good day after all!

Both Warren and Brian were born with heart defects. Brian passed away in November 1995 at 29 after a hockey game and Warren in March 2003 at 38. I miss them both so much. Especially on my birthday as Brian and I always shared that special bond. It's lonely being the one musketeer but I'm still close to Keith and Karen and I hope to see them this summer as its been too long to be away from family.

Warren's birthday was February 23 which is also the day his father, Doug Little passed away in 1993 while having heart surgery. I miss them all so much. The Little's all played a huge part of my childhood as I said we were like one large family.

So, today is my birthday and I'm spending it writing my blog, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen and then being put to sleep to have a camera put in my throat. I can't go out for dinner or eat cake anyway as I'm on a very strict diet/cleanse. I'm waiting till mid-April to celebrate! Last year at this time I was completing my Registered Massage Therapy course and so excited about the future and my career and today I'm just hoping I wake up. It's so amazing where a year can take us!

My birthday wish today is that we all stop complaining. I'm very guilty of it too! Stop complaining about the potholes in the roads, a slow line up at the grocery store, if its raining or sunny. Stop complaining because you have ate too much or if there is too much clutter in your house. Stop complaining if someone may have hurt you or isn't paying enough attention to you. Go to them and give them your heart. Stop complaining if gas prices are going up. Stop complaining about all the petty things you complain about everyday. Everyone stop complaining and if you feel the need to do so, do it while watching a news report on Japan and see if that ceases your complaining. I can't fathom what they are going through. It's absolutely heartbreaking. God Bless.

On this day the Lord gave you life, may you use it to serve Him, all of my loving prayers will be with you, may you never forget Him, May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on!

Feeling Homesick....

I had a very uneventful weekend and am happy to report this Monday morning that my energy is still climbing! I'm so happy to feel vibrant again!

I'm so happy we turned our clocks ahead on early Sunday morning. The dark days of winter take their toll on me and the longer days just make everyone that little bit brighter. Maybe spring is on the way!

On Saturday night I watched Sex in the City - the movie and found myself very homesick for my WestCoast girls and Vancouver itself. One day soon I'll be back, hopefully before another long Edmonton winter sets in.

Sunday morning I got a call from my Dad telling me that he lost two of his very good friends last week. One to lung cancer and one had a massive stroke. I knew them both as well and it was shocking to hear. I feel for my Dad today and the grief he is experiencing. Friends are valuable to our well being and I know he is going to miss them both very much.

One of the men who passed was Jim. My parents were friends with Jim and his wife Diane long before I was born so they were always in my life growing up. I watched all four of their children come home from the hospital after being born, Howard, Holly, Hunter and Hillary. Jim was an avid outdoorsman and worked in the logging industry. In 2001 only weeks before I left for Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago the first time, Jim was in a car accident. He was thrown quite a distance from his vehicle. At Christmas this year my Dad told me the story of Jim's experience while waiting for the paramedics. I don't want to go into his personal detail but Jim had a very profound spiritual experience. This is a man who stood well over 6 feet and had a booming voice that echoed with passion for everything he did. I can hear his laughter mixed with my Dad's. They always had a good time together. He was not someone you would think would have an experience with the angels but he did. That accident left Jim paralyzed from the waist down but my Dad said that it was the spiritual experience that Jim believes spared his life. Some might have thought that an outcome like that would have dampened his spirits but not a chance. He just carried on with life with the same vigor but this time from his wheelchair.

I went to visit him in the hospital with my Dad after his accident. Here was Jim lying in his hospital bed unable to take another step and I was about to embark on a journey where my steps were going to take me across all 500 miles that make up the Camino de Santiago. I remember him taking my hand and saying, 'Walk for me' and I did. I walked those 500 miles thinking of him, thinking of my best friend Jodi who was a quadripeligic (she died in 1989) and thinking of countless others who don't have the freedom of taking a step forward but lead with their spirits and hearts. There was a time in my life that I was unable to walk and its a liberty we often take for granted.

I have some steps I have to take in my life right now that seem impossible but must be made. Abraham H. Maslow once said 'You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.' Safety seems very comfortable which is why I'm mustering up the courage to be uncomfortable. I know many of you have witnessed me making life altering decisions and actions on the spur of the moment but this time for some reason I'm feeling more cautious than usual. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I went to see the Gastroenterologist this morning. She booked me for a test where they stick a camera down my throat and into my stomach, Gastroscopy procedure. All of this is to determine why I still have a sore throat. The appointment was scheduled for mid-May but as I was driving out of the parking lot she called and I'm going in tomorrow afternoon. What a glorious, glamorous way to spend my birthday! I don't think this is going to show anything at all but might as well rule out all possibilities.

Today I send my prayers out to my Dad, his friend Bill and his family and Diane, Jim's wife and their children and families. May you all find peace during this difficult time.

PS ~ I also want to include Kevin, a new friend who's father also passed away from a stroke last week. Peace to you.

Yay!!

Yay! Yay! Yay!! I'm so happy that my appointment with the Gastroenterologist that was scheduled May 2 has been moved to Monday!!

I have had a sore throat for over a year now. It feels like I'm swallowing razor blades all the time. Imagine your worst sore throat every day. I've learned to ignore it the best I can but some days it wears me down. I went to the doctor last June because of this and they found cancer in my thyroid. After the surgery the docs assured me that the sore throat would go away but by December I found a new GP (general practitioner-doctor) who like the first one I saw wanted to give me drugs. I said 'NO!' I want to know what this is.

So, in January I did a baruim swallow test which was just as horrible as you have heard and low and behold there is something pressing on my larynx. I don't think its cancerous but I do think its something that needs to be addressed. I must add that I'm seeing a Gastroenterologist only because its absolutely impossible to see an Ear Nose Throat (ENT) here in Edmonton. I can't even get an appointment even though I've had two doctors try to get an appointment, I've had a sore throat for over a year and just by absolute chance they found cancer removed my thyroid and I still couldn't get an appointment...... aaaaahhhhh!! (Sorry, just a wee bit frustrating!)

I don't know what the shift has been but I feel so much better than I did a couple weeks ago. Its a crazy feeling to suddenly be able to do more than one thing a day!! It's late and I'm writing while watching Robot Chicken - seriously funny! Time to go to sleep.

Sweet dreams everyone and please continue all your prayers and blessing for the people of Japan. I've been terribly worried about my Japanese Psychology of Vision friends. How horrible to watch the devastation. We who are all warm and cozy in our beds tonight have so much to be grateful for. I know I do!!!

International Women's Day!

'I need to enjoy all the gifts that God gave me today. Grace cannot be saved and put away for later.
There is no bank where you can deposit favors you’ve received, to use them according to our will.
If I do not enjoy these blessings now, I will lose them forever.
God knows that we are artists of life.
One day he will give us a chisel for sculpture, the other day brushes and canvas.
Another day he will give us a pen to write. But we will never use a chisel on canvas, sculptures or feathers.
I must accept the blessings of today, to create with what I have; if I do this with detachment and without guilt, tomorrow I shall receive more.'  ~ Paulo Coehlo's blog

May all women around the world today join in being kind to one another. Today we celebrate 100 years of women's achievements. Imagine 100 years of women stepping up to be heard yet last night on the reality television show The Bachelor I think we as women took a step backwards. Women its time to put away criticism, jealousy, competition and just love, appreciate and respect each other. If we as women can join together and hold hands we have the ability to heal the world but first we must heal ourselves and our relationships with other women.

What woman in your life do you need to reach out to today and make amends to? Or what woman in your life do you need to reach out to and assist or listen to or just have a cup of tea with? What woman in your life do you need to extend an action of appreciation?

What about yourself? Maybe today you love YOU and fill up the tub with luscious warm water, maybe some epsom salts or bubbles and slide in and take a deep breath and let all your worries, aches and pains melt away. Hmmmm.... that actually sounds like a good idea, one I'm going to act on right now!

Have a beautiful day celebrating the woman in you and all women in the world who make this world a beautiful, graceful place to be.

Precious Stones and Open Hearts

'A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food.
The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.
But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said. “I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.... Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone.”'
 ~ as posted on Paulo Coehlo's blog

I love this story and I wonder at times if I possess that which enabled her to give away her precious stone. I hope I do. I try to be kind in my thoughts and actions but I know there are times I'm not perfect by any stretch especially over the past 5 months. There are many of you whom I owe a phone call to or a response to an email. I know in my heart of hearts that there are many of you who understand that I just haven't been able to. There are others however who haven't understood.

I had my heart broken by a friend last month who was upset because I hadn't responded to an email within the alloted time (it was less than a week) than she expected me to and then proceeded to delete me from her list of friends on Facebook. When I asked why she let me know that she has 'expectations' of her friends.

Well, how do I respond to that? I didn't. What can I say that I haven't already been saying? Having my thyroid surgically removed due to cancer wiped me out for months and months and unless you have gone through it there is no way you can ever understand the intense lethargy, exhaustion, grief, depression and overwhelming sadness that completely takes over every sense of being.

Expectations! How can someone have any expectation of me when my only expectation of myself was to get out of bed, have a shower and get dressed. There were many, many days when only one of those was accomplished and that was a successful day! Some have asked why would I be friends with someone like that and my response has been because I really care about her and I thought we were friends even though this is probably the 5th time during our friendship that she has decided not to be friends with me anymore.

I don't have expectations on my friends other than to be happy, stay in touch when you can and laugh, giggle, play, hold our shared secrets sacred and love, love, love. What else is there? I guess for some its responding to an email within the unknown alloted proper response time or else the delete button will be pushed.

Life is short and so intense. We are all so pressured to 'BE' something that most of the time we just can't pull off with perfect grace and ease. We bumble along trying to please and most of the time fall flat with egg on our face. Can we not just love and respect each other for who we are and where we are at whatever moment in life?

There is this great line that I love to remind myself of when I feel myself sliding towards disappapointment in someone and that is,  'Every single human being at every moment of the past, if the entire situation is taken into account, has always done the very best he or she could do and so deserves neither blame nor reproach from anyone, including self. This, in particular, is true of you.' ~the beautiful late Harvey Jackins founder and creator of Re-Evaluation Co-Counselling. (http://www.rc.org/ )

Imagine a world where we would give so much of ourselves that we would freely give our most precious stone to a complete stranger without question when they asked for it or if we never again blamed or expressed disapproval to anyone. How open our hearts would be!

This week I'm entering into a very intense cleansing and part of this cleanse is not to just clean out my body but also my mind, my heart and the clutter including friends who have 'expectations' on me. I know I'll never ever live up to them so let's just not even start that way no one will be let down.

God Bless you my friends and may you all find peace with your heart wide open!