Frustration....

So, a number of you, my dear friends have been asking what happened when I visited the Cross Cancer Institute a couple weeks ago. Well, I haven't written since then because I've been in shock and frustration since.

You see the doctors I met with have told me that the type of radiation treatment I need is called Radio Active Iodine (RAI). This I knew and I knew that its quite intense and that I'll have to be quarantined for a number of days after taking it. I will need to be at least 15 feet away from people at all times. There is a strong chance I'll become quite ill during this time which will be lonely as I won't be able to receive any physical support.

What I didn't know is that to take this treatment there is a medication I need to take which is quite expensive (there are three zero's on this fee) and its one injection! This is the first time in my lifetime that I've came face to face with the truth that health is for the wealthy. The injustice of amount the pharmacuetical companies charge has left me in a state of anger for the past couple weeks. I guess I'm fortunate that I will hopefully only need one injection but there are other people in this world who need very expensive drugs every day. This just seems wrong to me. I'm one of those people in the world who doesn't have extended health benefits that will cover the cost of these drugs so what does one do? Well, at the moment I'm not sure but I know something will shift.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately as this news from the docs took my by surprise and I haven't really felt like writing at all. I have considered not taking the radiation at all but the tumour that was in my thyroid was on the edge which means that when they removed my thyroid there is a chance some cancer cells were left behind. So, what do I do? Do I take a chance that it won't return or not? I don't know and have had sleepless nights pondering this big question.

It's only a couple days from Christmas and I'm preparing to head south to the coast for the holidays. Please pray with me for clear dry roads all the way!

Much love and happy holiday shopping!!! Do your best to stay in peace and out of frustration!

PS - I forgot to add that the docs couldn't tell me why I still had a sore throat that was the original reason I went to the doctor back in June so they are sending me to an Ear Nose Throat specialist and they can't tell me why my body is so stiff and sore so they are sending me to a Rheumatologist. They say that none of these has anything to do with the surgery... hmmmm.... What do they know?? Now there is a question....  ho-hum....

Porcupines and Warmth

'During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold. Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.

But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another. They started to freeze to death again.

So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.

They wisely decided to stay together again. They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other.

And in the end they survived.'  ~ Paulo Coelho

This story was on Paulo Coelho's blog today. I thought it was appropriate not because I have prickly neighbours but because I know I've been prickly in the past (this is a polite way for me to say that it's true I've been a Bitch at least once or a number of times in my lifetime). Also, I liked the picture of the cute porcupines!

Today is the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death. I can still clearly remember standing in my aunt's kitchen in Calgary talking on the phone to my boyfriend who was in Prince George. I had been sent to live with my aunt, my mother's sister and her family because I was 'bad'. Not really but my parents didn't know how to deal with a free thinker so they sent me away. It was the worst 40 days of my teenage years!

My boyfriend (TS) and I were on the phone because we were developing my get-away plan. I was running away, back home the next day. While we were on the phone the news of John Lennon came across the TV screen in front of me. It was really shocking and heartbreaking! I still don't understand that level of unnecessary violence but I don't understand violence at all. I did escape the next day and of course was caught and severely reprimanded but I did get to go back to my high school and be with my friends and my boyfriend.

My mother passed away 6 years later and my aunt and her family stopped communicating with us. How tragic because as children my cousins, her children and my sisters and I were quite close. I guess the grief my aunt felt of my mothers death and the blame she placed upon us was too much for her to continue civil communication. She only lives 3 hours from me now and even just last weekend when I drove through Calgary I thought I should stop in and knock on her door and say hello. How does one react after being so prickly for 24 years? There is so much more to this story but I'd hate to bore you all with the details which only add up to family dysfunction, deep painful stories hidden away for over 50 years, grief and more grief. I would however love to video her reaction to seeing me on her doorstep! Sorry the evil side of my mind just opened up, she says with a sly smile.

As for the boyfriend from way back when we live only minutes away from each other but he will not speak to me even though I've tried. It's me that owes him an amend and I hope that one day he will allow me to stand in front of him and apologize. I wasn't super nasty but I could have been more kind at a difficult time in his life and I was insensitive to that and for that I'm so, so sorry.

I am going to the Cross Cancer Institute tomorrow morning for a doctors appointment. I'm already very stressed about this appointment because I have a feeling that I will not be heard as I have already experienced on this journey. Did I tell you that a few weeks ago I saw the surgeon who operated on me and he was going on about how I never have to worry about having cancer again blah, blah, blah as my test results are so incredibly positive. Well.... I leaned forward, looked at the computer screen and pointed out to him that they were test results from 2008 and that he was reading off of another patient's file. My test results hadn't even came back from the lab!! Since we are still in the midst of Hanukkah my only response to this is 'Oy'!

As the Christmas season is upon us let's all try to enjoy and not allow our prickly sides to be revealed. Remember the important thing is warmth given by you to another so keep the pricklies in check! I think we all have enough wounds and scars from holidays past we don't need to create new ones!!

Blessings and warmth! xo

Meditation and Knitting

Thursday, December 2nd..... not much to say except I'm still extremely grateful that I'm not working!!! I would love to never go back to work doing anything ever again!! Although not having any daily structure can be difficult in getting anything important done but I love floating through the day.

The last couple days I've committed myself to setting my alarm and waking up regardless if I've slept all night or not. I've not only woken up but I've gotten out of bed, did some yoga, did my meditations (Sopurkhs - 31min, Ad Such - 11min but working up to 62min and Har - 3min ~ I know this means nothing to most of you but my Kundalini Yogi friends all have commentary going on in their minds while reading this - LOL!). I've re-committed for the next 40 days. I also bounced on my re-bounder for 15 minutes and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. No I didn't crawl back into bed till later in the afternoon when I laid down at 2 yesterday and didn't get up again till after 5pm but a really good old movie was on. Remember Midnight Express with Brad Davis? I think I've seen it at least 20+ times now. Still not as much as I've watched Bridges of Madison County, of which I've lost count but its gotta be closer to 30+. Just a romantic at heart! After watching Midnight Express I did what most non-working women of my generation do at 4pm, we watch Young and the Restless. I've been watching it most of my life. What on earth would I do without Victor Newman in my world!

Yesterday morning I went to the Cross Cancer Institute here in Edmonton for the first time. Apparently its one of the leading cancer clinics in North America. I went because I have an appointment with the docs there next week and I had to sit through this information session which I'm sure was informative to some but for me it was a painful 1.5hours. I realize that they have to talk at the level of the lowest common denominator but thankfully I had meditated in the morning and brought some calmness along with me. I also brought my friend JMcM with me who was a champ and didn't complain at all. Thank you so much for all of your patience through this!

I don't know what will happen next week at the appointment but I'm sure they'll discuss with me the option of radiation and at this point I really don't know what to do. If I take the Radio Active Iodine (RAI) it could be a rather intense process and I'm just starting to feel better. The RAI is taken orally and then depending upon the dose given you have to be quarantined for a number of days. I should add that prior to taking RAI I'd have to go on a low-iodine diet and stop the Synthroid medication (which means my energy will plummet again - ugh!) two weeks prior to being scanned to determine the dose of RAI to be given. From there once I take the RAI then as I mentioned I'd have to be quarantined for a certain number of days which vary from a few to 11. The clothes worn during this time must be burned after as well as bed sheets. I'd be using the same dishes each day as not to contaminate others and the toilet will need to be flushed at least twice after each use as its through body excrement, perspiration and other body fluids that the RAI leaves the body. Pretty freaky that I'll be glowing in the dark.

Its also very hard on the immune system however it ensures that any cancerous cells left behind after surgery will be killed. When the thyroid is removed they cannot take all the tissue so this is how to make sure I'm cancer free or .... I take a chance and trust that all is good. I don't know. I really don't know hence my re-commitment to meditation so I take the time each day to listen to the voice of my God inside me. I love that line that 'prayer is when we talk to God and meditation is when we listen.'

I went to yoga class the other night for the first time in nearly forever! It was so lovely and a strong reminder of how much I miss my community. Its very lonely up here in the north. I have lots of support and I'm grateful for my friends here, please don't get me wrong but when I'm in class and we begin with the Adi Mantra my heart opens and I melt.

My plan is to be on the coast for New Year's Eve, my most favourite day of the year and I hope to connect with my pals there. I don't know where I'll be for Christmas, maybe I'll be driving south or maybe I'll be here watching movies and eating popcorn and just waiting for the day to pass. (I'm not a fan of Christmas, never really have been). I was suppose to make the trek up to Fort McMurray yesterday but plans changes so instead I'm going to Golden tomorrow. I love being near the mountains! I can't wait!!

Today I'm going to work on my list of things to do and continue to enjoy my day which started out so sweet. As this month tends to be a hectic one for most everyone I encourage all of you to schedule in a few minutes a day to stop and feel your heartbeat and remember that you above all are the most important being on the planet. Do it right now. Find your pulse on your wrist and with each beat of your heart mentally and quietly say the words 'Sat Nam'. This means 'truth is my name, truth is my identity.' (or say anything that speaks to you like 'I love you' or 'You are beautiful') It will envoke a connection back to your truth of your authentic self which is so bountiful, blissful and beautiful. (Oh, I wish someone would teach me how to add a music URL and I'd have that song playing for you on here right now. I'll put that back on my wish list. My wish is for a Blogspot mentor!)

Well, I'm off to have a shower, run a couple errands and knit, knit, knit. Yup, I'm a knitter who would have guessed that! Its one of the most meditative, calming things for me to do. When I knit all is right with the world. Its also a great thing to do while listening to music or audio books and its also my guilt free TV watching activity.

Have a fabulous day! Sat Nam!