Short Blog

This is a short blog. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel better!  So,  to celebrate I am working on my 'project'. This is a project I have been working on for almost 10 years.  Mostly it's been a dream but now it is becoming reality.  My goal was to have it completed by the end of this month but I am pushing my goal gently forward to the end of March.  I thought with all this time off I would have accomplished more that I haven't, so be it.

Tomorrow I am attempting a new activity, Moksha Yoga - www.mokshayogasherwoodpark.com .  I have been teaching and practicing Kundalini Yoga for over 15 years  and now it's time to try something new.  I'll let you know how I make out! I've been walking on the treadmill every day but my body is longing for more stretching and warmth. Spring is around the corner and I want to be strong enough  to ride motorcycle this summer whether I am a passenger or in the driver seat. In vanity I also, want to fit comfortably in the new leather jacket I'm dreaming of.

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog with others around the world!!! xo

PS - Remember to say a prayer for all in the middle east right now, Libya, Bahrain, Egypt and all the others in unrest. Also, for the souls in New Zealand. May the missing be found and may Mother Earth settle so no more souls will be hurt by earthquakes.

IF.....

IF....

If this is not a place where tears are understood,
Where do I go to cry?

If this is not a place where my spirit can take wing,
Where do I go to fly?

If this is not a place where my questions can be asked,
Where do I go to seek?

If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard,
Where do I go to speak?

If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am,
Where can I go to be?

Where can I learn and try and grow?
Where I can just be me?

~ Ken Medema

I Have No Idea Where I am Going

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
__________________________________
in Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

This is me today. I do not know where I am going. Each day just seems to be passing by with only glimpses of colour. I think on some level I may be more sad than what I realize. I'm grateful for my seeking and searching tendancies though because I recently came across a new book by Marianne Williamson who was a saviour to my soul way back in the early '90's with her books 'Return to Love' and 'A Woman's Worth'. Her new book is called 'A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessions for Surrendering Your Weight Forever'. As I've told you weight has been an issue for me since I had my thyroid removed although I am feeling more hopeful that I'll be in my Guess jeans and in my new leather jacket in time for motorcycle season.

In her book Marianne talks about this list of words and I've chosen some of them to express how I feel about having thyroid cancer. This has been a deep process over the past couple days and I'm hoping that as I continue to process this through this medium and with my confidents a shift will take place that will free me and my soul.

Shame - I feel shame for not being strong or healthy enough to fend off this illness in my body.
  
Anger - I feel angry with myself for getting sick and not being able to come back to health immediately. I'm also angry with the lack of support from the medical system and from a few people who I reached out to and asked for their support but haven't heard a word from.  

Self-Sabbatoge - I have self-sabbatoged myself by not pushing myself forward regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm currently self-sabbatoging by not working on my project everyday and pushing myself to complete the last 40%. (I can't disclose what this project is just yet but I will soon.)

Fear - I have fear that I won't ever come back from having my thyroid removed. That my vitality and energy will never return. I have fear of the future. I have fear of the cancer returning. I have fear of what the drug I take everyday does to my body. I have fear that I won't complete the project I've been working on for the past 10 years. I have fear of being ordinary. 

Unforgiveness - Oh yes! I admit I hold unforgiveness in the form of resentment. Today I hold resentment for someone who broke my heart awhile ago. Somedays its not there but today its creeped in again. I hold unforgiveness of broken promises. I hold resentment for all the times I didn't allow myself to be seen and for all the times I shrunk so I could 'fit in'. I have unforgiveness with my body for giving me so much grief for too long. 

Judgement - I have judgement on a woman I reached out to last summer. I called her and asked for her support as at that time I didn't know I had cancer but I knew something was terribly wrong and I was scared and about to enter on a long, difficult path. She said she would support me yet I haven't heard a word from her since. I have judgement on her giving her word yet not acting on it.

Excessive Responsibility - Because I've spent so much of my adult life as a single serving life I feel that I have alot of responsibility to do it all and do it well. Most of the time only some of it gets done half-assed and then the weight of the guilt for not being more enters in and paralyzes me. I feel excessive responsibility to heal myself.

Pressure - I feel a great deal of pressure to look strong and healthy all the time even though most of the time I want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep. I feel the pressure to keep up with other's schedules and activities even though I really can't. I feel the pressure to have an answer about what I plan to do with the rest of my life but I don't know. I really don't know. 

Exhaustion - I feel it constantly.

Burden - I'm burdend by heartbreak. Heartbreak that goes back to childhood all the way up to the last one which was last year that scarred me for life. I'm burdened by this because although I want to give my heart completely I hold back in fear of being hurt again and even though the weight is sometimes too much to carry my fear is greater. If I was to release my burdens I just might float away.  

Stress - hell ya!

Heartbreak - Although most of my heartbreak is about past relationships I also have deep heartbreak for the loss of my thyroid. I have a hollow, tender spot in my throat where it once laid and now its gone, cut into little pieces and incinerated, gone. Like losing a partner once its gone my life won't ever be the same and that breaks my heart. 

Injustice - I feel wronged that I got cancer. I feel its wrong that it happens to anyone. I feel its an injustice that illness exists, that our bodies change, that our schedules change that our dreams have to be altered. Its not fair and its wrong.

Jealousy - I feel jealous of a select few who wonder through the world untouched by anything negative. They are the ones financially comfortable, relationship is glorious, family healthy, etc. I have a 'friend' who unconsciously keeps telling me how wonderful her life is while I'm struggling and when I say I can't participate in something she keeps asking me 'why, what's wrong?' I've been as graceful as I can but I swear the next time she askes me this I'm going to lose it on her. Okay, I'm admitting I'm jealous of her perfect life but does she have to be so mean as to act like she has no idea of what I've been experiencing!

Separation - I feel separate from others because I don't feel like anyone understands what I'm experiencing. 

Dishonesty - I do my very best to be honest at all times in all situation however as the wonderful older woman in the movie 'Titanic' said 'A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets.' I don't have that many and if you wish to ask I'll tell you but is that being dishonest or is it just keeping a secret? Where I am most dishonest is where rather than telling the blinding truth I withhold as not to rock the boat. Gee, and I wonder why my throat chakra is where the cancer attacked. How many words have I swallowed over the years?

Inferiority -  Since getting cancer I do feel inferior. I feel like I'm now part of the Cancer Club but the one that doesn't offer any support. Because I'm not well I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel less than. 

Embarrassment - I'm so embarrassed that to have cancer. To have on some level invited it into my body. I'm embarrassed that I was unable to fight against the blackness that invaded me. I am embarrassed by the scar on my neck that is a neon sign announcing to the world that I'm not whole and I'm sick. I feel embarrassed by the changes that have taken place in my body and my mind. 

Self-Abnegation - I have done this most of my life. How can I make myself really small so I can fit inside the little box that all these people have made for me? I want so bad to break out of this but I'm stuck in it at the moment. Hopefully for only a moment longer because I'm running out of breathing space and my spirit is diminishing from the lack of light.  

I have no idea where I'm going in the big picture but I pray its into the healing of each of these words. I had to go out this morning in the dark at 5am, -24c, blowing snow and way too many potholes on the roads. It was an intersting way to start my day today but for a moment I knew where I was going. 

A to B and B back to A. One kilometre at a time.  

Happy Be-Lated Valentine's Day everyone!! 

Happy Groundhog Day!

So, according to the groundhogs we are going to have an early spring. Let's hope so because I'm so tired of winter this year. Yes, here in Alberta the sun is shining but its been cold and the snow is deep. All I long for is dry roads, green grass and being on the Harley Fat Boy with the landscape buzzing by and the wind on my face! Lots of unplanned and unstructured road trips planned for this summer. 

I'm unable to go to Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago due to all my health issues this June as I had dreamed of so instead I'll be attending Chuck Spezzano's 5 day course in June in Vancouver, Change Your Mind, Change Your Heart, Change The World. This will be a transformational event for us all as a collective. Listen to your souls calling and attend. Contact Susan How email canada@pov-int.com or call 604-298-4011 or www.pov-int.com

Also, on March 1st Chuck Spezzano will be in Vancouver for and evening lecture and you can purchase tickets via Susan at the contacts above or at Banyan Books in Vancouver. Do not miss this!!!!

I've had a challenging start of 2011 and quite a frustrating one as well. Last June I initially went to the doctor because I had a sore throat. So, 7 months later, 5 doctors, one thyroidectomy and I still have a sore throat. Finally, I convinced a doctor I didn't need medication, what I needed was to know why this is happening so she sent me for another test and low and behold there is something wrong however because the CT didn't show its cancer I've been waiting a month for a date to see an ENT (ear,nose, throat) doctor. I'm so frustrated with the medical system. Considering what I've endured to date I should be able to at least get an appointment but no.

Since the surgery last fall I've been so worn out and have had considerable body aches and pains which because of my history of Rheumatoid I was sent to a Rheumatologist yesterday. I was grateful he was open minded and heard me explain that all I need is a higher dose of Synthroid but of course because my TSH levels are 'normal' the Endrocrinologist doesn't think that is necessary. How is it not necessary when I still have strong symptoms of surpressed thyroid? Errrr..... I'm so angry and feel so powerless. This is not a comfortable place for a powerful woman to be sitting in. I'm just giving it a day or two so when I contact the doctor my words are heard and that I don't sound like the crazy woman I'm becoming.

So, the doc doesn't think I have rheumatoid but is doing some further tests to make sure. He agrees with me that the thyroid drug needs to be increased at least to try and see if it makes a difference. He will write the other doc and see if it makes a difference.

I haven't been checking my blog nor writing much at all but I did check my stats the other day and was so overwhelmed to see that my little blog has reached Canada, the US, the UK, Germany, Spain, Ireland, Italy, Poland, India, Indonesia, France Switzerland, Pakistan, Latvia, Denmark, Australia, Thailand, South Korea, Turkey and Saudia Arabia. Wow!!! The power of the internet that connects us via cyberspace. I also had the blessing of meeting Emily who is 19 and has had thyroid cancer twice and is so brave every day. People continue to brush off those of us with thyroid cancer because according to most people the typical comment is 'Well that's the cancer to have.' Seriously people NO cancer is the cancer to have!! And in case you don't know.... people die of thyroid cancer too so how is that the cancer to have? I am far more sick now than before I found out that I had cancer and I'm far more sick since the surgery that was suppose to make me feel so much better. I don't feel even remotely better or even an iota better. I'm being treated by the blood tests results rather than by how I'm feeling and this is not a correct path of healing. I long to find a doctor who will hear my whole story.

Also, with thyroid cancer its next to impossible to find support. I went to the Cancer Agency for therapy the other day only to be told by the therapist that I'm doing all the right things and here is a pamphlet of activities we offer but all of them are full, sorry. Really, that was absurd and a waste of time. I feel invisible to the world of cancer survivors. Externally I look okay except for the scar that is front and center because when I venture out into the world I try to look good but that's a catch 22 because since I look 'normal' everyone assumes that I'm perfectly healthy and fine but I'm so far from FINE!! There aren't any support groups or walks or clothing lines, etc for thyroid cancer survivors. I've found a few websites but here in the city there is nothing and its really lonely. I'm still suppose to have RAI (the radiation treatment) but can't until I feel stronger and until I find out what is happening with my throat issues and Lord knows how long that will take since I've been swept under the carpet.

I want my life back so badly!! Because of my lack of metabolism I've gained a fair amount of weight which is extremely depressing. But hey.... according to the docs gaining 30lbs over 5 months is nothing to be concerned about!! Come on!!! The stress this has imposed on my body and my psyche has been devastating but hey... my TSH levels are 'normal' so no need to adjust the meds. Total Crap!!

Today I'm on day 3 of lying in bed with I'm pretty sure the worst chest cold I've ever had. I am so incredibly sick and tired of being sick and tired and want so bad to have my life back.  

My commitment this month is to blog more frequently as it does make me feel more connected to the world outside my little home. Spring is on the way and I pray for peace around the world especially in Egypt right now. Talk about a powerless situation. I watch the news and my heart goes out to all Egyptians around the world. My mind this week has been on my sweet friend Melissa of www.epiphanycakes.com  Her heritage is Egyptian and she is beautiful and the most amazing baker and mother!!!

Let's join together and pray for peace worldwide......