Tonight while watching one of my favourite shows 'Parenthood' I had a complete meltdown. On the show Christina (character on the show) has breast cancer. It flashed me back to 2 years ago when I was waiting for surgery.
I was so scared. There are few things in this life that frighten me. Very few. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but those of you who know me know this to be true. I'm not afraid of public speaking, in fact the more the merrier. I have a secret dream of standing on stage speaking in front of thousands! I'm not afraid of wild animals... well, except snakes. They terrify me which is rather ironic considering snakes have been known to symbolize the Kundalini and I happen to have been teaching Kundalini Yoga for almost 20 years! What scared me before I found out I had cancer and still scares me today is time.
Time... that simple thing that just ticks away whether we are out saving the planet or enjoying it as a couch potato. The measurement is the same for all of us. In peace and at war a minute is a minute filled with sixty seconds.
I was sharing recently with a friend that I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. With exasperation she reminded me that I had. You see I've been that girl who wasn't afraid to change her life on a dime. Just move in a brand new direction without notice. Funny thing is that one of my favourite expressions is '...subject to change without notice.'
Well, that has been my life and the moment I heard that I had cancer it was devastaing but in the same moment it was like a rock skipping across the top of a still pond. Just another ripple in the life of ME. This ripple has subsided but now its all brewing beneath the surface.
Watching the show tonight Christina asked her husband Adam to allow her to be scared. Even though I was scared I was on my own. Yes, I had support but no one close enough so I could let my brave self just stand still so the terrrified little girl could be seen. I never really let anyone at all know how scared I was or still am. You see even today every time I feel anything in my body, any unusual aches, pains, or pinches my first thought goes to the 'C' word. Oh, no! Not again. I'm not really afraid of having cancer. I'm not really afraid of being sick but I am afraid, actually terrified of time being taken away from me... once again.
Tonight my unbelieveably beautiful friend Lena put this on her FaceBook and I thought it was one of those meant to be moments that said I had to share with this with you.
'This is your life.
Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don’t like something, change it.
If you don’t like your job, quit.
If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.'
This is your life!! This is MY life! There is so much that I want to do. There are so many people I want to help. I wish so much that I was wealthy and I could just help was much as I want to. I wouldn't be one of those people who buy $1500 handbags. I'd be paying someone's rent. I don't think I'd even live in a big fancy house but if I did every bedroom would be filled with someone who needs a cozy bed. So, so much to see and do. Like when am I going to write that book I've been planning to write since I was 6 years old? And when will I contact those three internationally acclaimed authors who I met one fateful summer on a European adventure and ask one of them to mentor me to get my words in print? Or at the very least of our my head? One day I keep saying... one day....
I lost a year and a half of my life because of cancer and I'm trying so hard to catch up but that damn clock just keeps ticking. I admit that I do waste time. Yes, I'm the girl who PVR's The Young and the Restless every day but hey, now I don't have to watch the commercials! I love the brilliance and farce Robot Chicken and the competition of reality shows like Amazing Race and Survivor. (all are now PVR'ed so no commericals. I love technology!) The rest of my days are hectic without alot of day dreaming and cloud watching so a little down time watching mindless entertainment is actually relaxing.
I just had a thought. One of my favourite counsellors (yes, its true I've had therapy and more than once!). His name was Jim. I met him in Dawson Creek back in the early '90's. What on earth was I doing in Dawson Creek you are wondering. Well, it was one of those adventures and you'll just have to wait for the book. Jim was a weathered biker who smoked Export A cigarettes during our sessions. One day he told me I need to learn how to do two things that would save me. One was I needed to learn how to spit of which he had me practice in his metal office garbage can. I guess he thought was a little uptight, which I was at the time as I had just moved from Toronto after all. And I need to stop and smell the roses. We have all heard this expression but have we ever done it for fear that if we slow down even for a second to indulge in the fragance of a rose we will miss something else.
I do stop and smell the roses, especially the beautiful wild roses that are here in Alberta representing the province and every time I think of Jim. He was the best and I wish I knew where he was today because I sure could use a session with him.
So, back to time. Time's awasting... on a LuluLemon bag there are the words 'Do something everday that scares you.' I know what I'm going to do tomorrow that will be one more thing off my incredibly long bucket list and yes, I'm a whole lot scared (I'll share after I've done it). Scared or not I'm going to go for it because what could be more scary than time running out and ending up with more regret.
Thanks for continiuing to read my blog and for those of you have have been encouraging me to write more frequently. I really appreciate all of you!!!
By the way my favourite time is 11:11.
