Frustration....

So, a number of you, my dear friends have been asking what happened when I visited the Cross Cancer Institute a couple weeks ago. Well, I haven't written since then because I've been in shock and frustration since.

You see the doctors I met with have told me that the type of radiation treatment I need is called Radio Active Iodine (RAI). This I knew and I knew that its quite intense and that I'll have to be quarantined for a number of days after taking it. I will need to be at least 15 feet away from people at all times. There is a strong chance I'll become quite ill during this time which will be lonely as I won't be able to receive any physical support.

What I didn't know is that to take this treatment there is a medication I need to take which is quite expensive (there are three zero's on this fee) and its one injection! This is the first time in my lifetime that I've came face to face with the truth that health is for the wealthy. The injustice of amount the pharmacuetical companies charge has left me in a state of anger for the past couple weeks. I guess I'm fortunate that I will hopefully only need one injection but there are other people in this world who need very expensive drugs every day. This just seems wrong to me. I'm one of those people in the world who doesn't have extended health benefits that will cover the cost of these drugs so what does one do? Well, at the moment I'm not sure but I know something will shift.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately as this news from the docs took my by surprise and I haven't really felt like writing at all. I have considered not taking the radiation at all but the tumour that was in my thyroid was on the edge which means that when they removed my thyroid there is a chance some cancer cells were left behind. So, what do I do? Do I take a chance that it won't return or not? I don't know and have had sleepless nights pondering this big question.

It's only a couple days from Christmas and I'm preparing to head south to the coast for the holidays. Please pray with me for clear dry roads all the way!

Much love and happy holiday shopping!!! Do your best to stay in peace and out of frustration!

PS - I forgot to add that the docs couldn't tell me why I still had a sore throat that was the original reason I went to the doctor back in June so they are sending me to an Ear Nose Throat specialist and they can't tell me why my body is so stiff and sore so they are sending me to a Rheumatologist. They say that none of these has anything to do with the surgery... hmmmm.... What do they know?? Now there is a question....  ho-hum....

Porcupines and Warmth

'During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold. Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.

But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another. They started to freeze to death again.

So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.

They wisely decided to stay together again. They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other.

And in the end they survived.'  ~ Paulo Coelho

This story was on Paulo Coelho's blog today. I thought it was appropriate not because I have prickly neighbours but because I know I've been prickly in the past (this is a polite way for me to say that it's true I've been a Bitch at least once or a number of times in my lifetime). Also, I liked the picture of the cute porcupines!

Today is the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death. I can still clearly remember standing in my aunt's kitchen in Calgary talking on the phone to my boyfriend who was in Prince George. I had been sent to live with my aunt, my mother's sister and her family because I was 'bad'. Not really but my parents didn't know how to deal with a free thinker so they sent me away. It was the worst 40 days of my teenage years!

My boyfriend (TS) and I were on the phone because we were developing my get-away plan. I was running away, back home the next day. While we were on the phone the news of John Lennon came across the TV screen in front of me. It was really shocking and heartbreaking! I still don't understand that level of unnecessary violence but I don't understand violence at all. I did escape the next day and of course was caught and severely reprimanded but I did get to go back to my high school and be with my friends and my boyfriend.

My mother passed away 6 years later and my aunt and her family stopped communicating with us. How tragic because as children my cousins, her children and my sisters and I were quite close. I guess the grief my aunt felt of my mothers death and the blame she placed upon us was too much for her to continue civil communication. She only lives 3 hours from me now and even just last weekend when I drove through Calgary I thought I should stop in and knock on her door and say hello. How does one react after being so prickly for 24 years? There is so much more to this story but I'd hate to bore you all with the details which only add up to family dysfunction, deep painful stories hidden away for over 50 years, grief and more grief. I would however love to video her reaction to seeing me on her doorstep! Sorry the evil side of my mind just opened up, she says with a sly smile.

As for the boyfriend from way back when we live only minutes away from each other but he will not speak to me even though I've tried. It's me that owes him an amend and I hope that one day he will allow me to stand in front of him and apologize. I wasn't super nasty but I could have been more kind at a difficult time in his life and I was insensitive to that and for that I'm so, so sorry.

I am going to the Cross Cancer Institute tomorrow morning for a doctors appointment. I'm already very stressed about this appointment because I have a feeling that I will not be heard as I have already experienced on this journey. Did I tell you that a few weeks ago I saw the surgeon who operated on me and he was going on about how I never have to worry about having cancer again blah, blah, blah as my test results are so incredibly positive. Well.... I leaned forward, looked at the computer screen and pointed out to him that they were test results from 2008 and that he was reading off of another patient's file. My test results hadn't even came back from the lab!! Since we are still in the midst of Hanukkah my only response to this is 'Oy'!

As the Christmas season is upon us let's all try to enjoy and not allow our prickly sides to be revealed. Remember the important thing is warmth given by you to another so keep the pricklies in check! I think we all have enough wounds and scars from holidays past we don't need to create new ones!!

Blessings and warmth! xo

Meditation and Knitting

Thursday, December 2nd..... not much to say except I'm still extremely grateful that I'm not working!!! I would love to never go back to work doing anything ever again!! Although not having any daily structure can be difficult in getting anything important done but I love floating through the day.

The last couple days I've committed myself to setting my alarm and waking up regardless if I've slept all night or not. I've not only woken up but I've gotten out of bed, did some yoga, did my meditations (Sopurkhs - 31min, Ad Such - 11min but working up to 62min and Har - 3min ~ I know this means nothing to most of you but my Kundalini Yogi friends all have commentary going on in their minds while reading this - LOL!). I've re-committed for the next 40 days. I also bounced on my re-bounder for 15 minutes and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. No I didn't crawl back into bed till later in the afternoon when I laid down at 2 yesterday and didn't get up again till after 5pm but a really good old movie was on. Remember Midnight Express with Brad Davis? I think I've seen it at least 20+ times now. Still not as much as I've watched Bridges of Madison County, of which I've lost count but its gotta be closer to 30+. Just a romantic at heart! After watching Midnight Express I did what most non-working women of my generation do at 4pm, we watch Young and the Restless. I've been watching it most of my life. What on earth would I do without Victor Newman in my world!

Yesterday morning I went to the Cross Cancer Institute here in Edmonton for the first time. Apparently its one of the leading cancer clinics in North America. I went because I have an appointment with the docs there next week and I had to sit through this information session which I'm sure was informative to some but for me it was a painful 1.5hours. I realize that they have to talk at the level of the lowest common denominator but thankfully I had meditated in the morning and brought some calmness along with me. I also brought my friend JMcM with me who was a champ and didn't complain at all. Thank you so much for all of your patience through this!

I don't know what will happen next week at the appointment but I'm sure they'll discuss with me the option of radiation and at this point I really don't know what to do. If I take the Radio Active Iodine (RAI) it could be a rather intense process and I'm just starting to feel better. The RAI is taken orally and then depending upon the dose given you have to be quarantined for a number of days. I should add that prior to taking RAI I'd have to go on a low-iodine diet and stop the Synthroid medication (which means my energy will plummet again - ugh!) two weeks prior to being scanned to determine the dose of RAI to be given. From there once I take the RAI then as I mentioned I'd have to be quarantined for a certain number of days which vary from a few to 11. The clothes worn during this time must be burned after as well as bed sheets. I'd be using the same dishes each day as not to contaminate others and the toilet will need to be flushed at least twice after each use as its through body excrement, perspiration and other body fluids that the RAI leaves the body. Pretty freaky that I'll be glowing in the dark.

Its also very hard on the immune system however it ensures that any cancerous cells left behind after surgery will be killed. When the thyroid is removed they cannot take all the tissue so this is how to make sure I'm cancer free or .... I take a chance and trust that all is good. I don't know. I really don't know hence my re-commitment to meditation so I take the time each day to listen to the voice of my God inside me. I love that line that 'prayer is when we talk to God and meditation is when we listen.'

I went to yoga class the other night for the first time in nearly forever! It was so lovely and a strong reminder of how much I miss my community. Its very lonely up here in the north. I have lots of support and I'm grateful for my friends here, please don't get me wrong but when I'm in class and we begin with the Adi Mantra my heart opens and I melt.

My plan is to be on the coast for New Year's Eve, my most favourite day of the year and I hope to connect with my pals there. I don't know where I'll be for Christmas, maybe I'll be driving south or maybe I'll be here watching movies and eating popcorn and just waiting for the day to pass. (I'm not a fan of Christmas, never really have been). I was suppose to make the trek up to Fort McMurray yesterday but plans changes so instead I'm going to Golden tomorrow. I love being near the mountains! I can't wait!!

Today I'm going to work on my list of things to do and continue to enjoy my day which started out so sweet. As this month tends to be a hectic one for most everyone I encourage all of you to schedule in a few minutes a day to stop and feel your heartbeat and remember that you above all are the most important being on the planet. Do it right now. Find your pulse on your wrist and with each beat of your heart mentally and quietly say the words 'Sat Nam'. This means 'truth is my name, truth is my identity.' (or say anything that speaks to you like 'I love you' or 'You are beautiful') It will envoke a connection back to your truth of your authentic self which is so bountiful, blissful and beautiful. (Oh, I wish someone would teach me how to add a music URL and I'd have that song playing for you on here right now. I'll put that back on my wish list. My wish is for a Blogspot mentor!)

Well, I'm off to have a shower, run a couple errands and knit, knit, knit. Yup, I'm a knitter who would have guessed that! Its one of the most meditative, calming things for me to do. When I knit all is right with the world. Its also a great thing to do while listening to music or audio books and its also my guilt free TV watching activity.

Have a fabulous day! Sat Nam!

Time and Relationship

I can't believe its been 10 days since my last blog entry. Where does the time go when you aren't doing anything?

Not much has happened in the past 10 days. Let's see.... I've slept and I haven't slept. I put Michelin X-Ice tires on my car (Wow! What a difference they make driving in the snow!!) I've been on 2 short roadtrips, was planning a big one to Kamloops but decided that was too ambitious so I stayed put. I miss being there at the workshop as I was so longing to connect with my community but I just couldn't push myself there. I may be going on another short one this weekend and might make my first trip to Fort McMurray next week just for a quick overnight. I've managed to get myself on the treadmill almost everyday for at least 20 minutes at a time. I'm eating better but still not well enough. (I'm so hard on myself-LOL!) I've somehow gained a few inches over the last couple months but what can you expect when you have zero metabolism. Its a wee bit depressing but I'm determined not to buy bigger jeans!

Friendship has come to mind lately. I met a friend for coffee last weekend. I've known her for I think 13 years. We've only seen each other a couple times since I moved here but it was so amazing for me to see a friend I have history with. It made me realize how much I've missed my friends during this whole thing. Yes, I've had support but nothing is the same as being held in the arms of an old friend. It's been interesting the people who have come forward to support me and also interesting the ones I haven't heard a word from. The ones I haven't heard from were ironically the ones I thought would be supporting me the most. Funny how crisis pulls people in the opposite direction to which they are needed most. You know who you are and I want you to know that I really miss you!

I have a friend here in Edmonton who only a couple months ago met the man of her dreams. They knew immediately that they were meant for each other and moved in together only after knowing each other a few weeks. This was only a couple months ago. Last week he proposed. This week he received news that he has stage 4 inoperable cancer. They are getting married December 14th with the prayers of miracles that he will survive this news. (Please send your love and prayers to Tanya and Michael. Thank you!)

I'm so happy for them that they found love yet so sad at what they are faced with. Is this where Lord Tennyson steps in and says 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' Or is this where I step in and say 'What the hell!' Here are these wonderful people in the midst of their life just wanting to love and be loved and this is what happens only a couple months into their relationship? Its crazy and feels so unfair.

Sometimes people meet and all the stars are aligned absolutely perfectly and sometimes they aren't. I remember a day when I met someone and I was convinced it was divine, so meant to be. I thought it was all so perfect and that he was my ever-after but my bubble only lasted a few weeks before it was pierced with reality that he didn't feel the same way and it was over. Since then I've been looking for relationship. I haven't made a career out of it but I've been open to the possibility. Yes, I've dated and loved but I'm so cautious of being heartbroken again that I've become very withholding of my heart. Is that the right thing to do or the wrong? I don't know anymore. I do know that I won't jump again like I did that day in May. That last heartbreak changed me so much. In the healing process I think I grew up a little bit. Yes, I'm still a little girl who believes in the knight on the horse but the grown up me unfortunately has become cynical and barely believes in peoples ability to commit and be faithful, honest and true. I have relationship knocking on my door and I've even gone out and played but I've had to put me first and my healing forefront and that hasn't been easy for me to do. I'm always the one to give more than receive so this has been a difficult shift and receive more than I'm giving but its been important and necessary that I put myself first this one time. Unfortunately, not all parties believe this is correct protocol and are not willing to be patient and move forward slowly so here I continue to be single at 46.

Today I'm not sure what God's plan is for me but I do know its time for me to get my butt on the treadmill and out of the pity-pot I'm sliding into. Okay, Laara snap out of it and refocus! Get on the treadmill, make those phone calls you have been putting off all week, mail those letters, pay that bill, and start that exam that has been sitting in front of you for the past 6 months!! As line three of the 5 Sutras of the Aquarian Age states, 'When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.' Let's hope because the pressure today is really intense and it's squeezing my heart closed. Today I will drop into the truth and peace of my divine soul ~ DevAtma (DevAtma is my spiritual name given to me by my teacher Yogi Bhajan. It means Divine Soul.)

                                        5 Sutras of the Aquarian Age

• Understand through compassion; otherwise you might misunderstand the times.
• Recognize that the other person is you.
• When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.
• There is a way through every block.
• Vibrate the cosmos; the cosmos shall clear the path.  

The Pill

It's 6:15am and I've been awake since 2. How is it possible to be so incredibly exhausted yet I can't sleep? I thought of taking sleeping drugs before going to bed last night but I'm not really one to take pills other than the tiny pale yellow pill that sits in a translucent blue vile with its companions on my nightstand. Everyday I put it in my mouth and swallow with a mouthful of lukewarm water and wonder in silent prayer that maybe today will be the day that this synthetic man made powdered mixture that's pressed into an eighth of an inch round pill with its Robertson slotted screw stamp across its face for easy breakage that is suppose to act as a substitute for my thyroid gland will start working. That is the only drug I want to take and it has become my God. That little pill that is hopefully going to restore my energy level so I can function again. That little pill that will restore me to sanity.

It's six weeks tomorrow. Six weeks of feeling like crap. I thought I was getting better and yes, in many ways I'm way better than I was the week after surgery but I'm no where near myself. I tried to socialize a bit last week for the first time. Had lunch with friends, had coffee. I've even dated in the past couple months but got ditched because I wasn't giving enough to him. Oops, sorry. I'm just a little tired right now and my priority right now isn't relationship. It's getting out of bed, having a shower (one where I even wash my hair), getting dressed and not falling back into bed after I've done all that.

Daily depression is knocking at my door and I'm doing my best not to answer. I just don't know how to deal with this level of exhaustion. Yes, I rest. Yes, do my best to be gentle but I'm not able to do anything for more than a few hours at a time. What do I do the rest of the time? I sleep on and off, I eat as healthy as possible but cooking is a huge task, I read and I watch TV. How long will I feel like this? No one knows. So, was the tumour removed yes. Am I cancer free? I won't know for a couple more months. Do I feel better? Hell NO!

Yesterday I was suppose to go and have my blood tested again so my new Endocrinologist can decide if he should increase the dosage or not but I didn't have the energy to get to the lab. I went to the post office first and that was all I could do. So, now I'm wondering do I go now since its open and there most likely won't be a line up of other sickies waiting for tests of some sort or am I a danger to myself and others driving in my state sleep deprivation. I think I'll stay here and hopefully sleep will come to me even for a few hours. My prayer is that the doc will give the go ahead for me to advance to the teal or the blue pill that are higher dosages which in turn may mean more energy. Oh please God!

Sorry I don't have anything more pleasant to say today. I'm just so tired of being tired.......

11:11:10~Ugh!

I woke up this morning depressed. I felt like I was doing really well. I had gone on a roadtrip last weekend. Socialized. Had a really good time. Even went to a pub with friends. Yesterday had lunch with my massage therapist buddies who I adore and miss so much. But by the time I got home at 4pm I laid down on the couch and immediately fell asleep. Woke an hour later groggy. Had dinner and was in bed by 9pm for an episode of Survivor and a little macabre with an hour of Criminal Minds. I woke at 8:14am and on my way to the bathroom felt a tear roll down my face. WHY? I'm not sad! But why am I depressed? I, of course should'nt have looked at the Thyroid Cancer websites this morning, its only a reminder of what still lies ahead.

My body is achy, my hair dry, my incision - so hard for me to look at. I've gained at least 10+lbs this past month. Nothing fits. I should just get up right this minute and go downstairs and take a ride on the treadmill Megan, my roommate bought last weekend (thank you!). Even 10 minutes and some really good iPod music will change my state of mind. But for how long? That is the depressing part. I want the change to be longer than a few minutes.

My mind is so fogged. I have so much to deal with. Let's start the list with the mountain of clothes clean and dirty all over the floor that I can't pick up. There's the stack of papers to sort through and receipts to submit for benefit reimbursement. Cash in hand should be the motivation to get that sorted but I just can't seem to do it. Nor can I seem to do anything. I can fill and empty the dishwasher and on a good day wipe the counters but the bathroom needs to be done and every morning as I brush my teeth I swear today will be the day... its been weeks and the filth growing.

Its a sunny day. Fresh and bright. Maybe I should just put on my sweats and walk outside in the crisp morning air -6C. Not that cold but maybe too cold. I was freezing last night before I went to sleep but was too tired to put on socks. Woke up in a sweat. Freezing, sweating, freezing, sweating. Happy, sad, happy, sad. Optimistic, pessimistic, optimistic pessimistic. Suddenly I have Katy Perry screaming in my ears -

'You... change your mind
Like a girl... changes clothes
Yeah you... PMS
Like a bitch... I would know
And you ... over think
Always speak ... cryptically
I should know ... that you're no good for me!

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We... used to be
Just like twins... so in sync
The same... energy
Now's a dead... battery
Used to laugh... 'bout nothing
Now your plain... boring
I should know... that you're not gonna change!

Someone... call the doctor
Got a case of love bi-polar
Stuck on a... roller coaster
Can't get off this ride.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up'

I used to think this song was only for a boyfriend who couldn't make up his mind to be with me or not, he chose not (silly boy), too bad so sad but now its all about the internal battle going on with my psyche, hormones, body temperature, blood pressure, weight ~ ugh! and energy! Up, down, on, off, hot. cold, want to, don't want to... F--ck!! I feel like I'm going a wee bit mad!

Okay - it's 9:34am and I'm going to pull myself up out of bed and put on my sweats and go downstairs and put those little earbuds in my ears which will magically play some delicious piece of music that will uplift my spirits and will motivate my feet to start taking steps forward.

Oh Happy Day! And on this day that we are meant to take time to remember all who have lost their lives in the many wars our world has and IS witnessing. In my madness today I will stop at 11:11am and hold in my heart a prayer for all who are suffering and have suffered for my freedom. God Bless.

PS - Along the Camino de Santiago, the pilgrimage across Northern Spain in the months of June and July there are many fields of poppies and the path is lined with them. The thought of those smiling flowers is inspiring me to get up and go for a walk. It's amazing where the inspiration comes from. Doesn't matter though, I'll take it as it comes. Today look around for those small signs of inspiration that motivate you to do something you have been putting off. Remember life is short and valuable - ask a veteran if you are unsure of that.

The Fire of Friendship

Just like a few days ago I took at look at Paulo Coelho’s blog this morning and once again he has inspired me. Today his 20 second read was this....

‘Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali. He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.

One winter’s night Ammar said: “Nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food. But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward. If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.

Ali answered: “Tomorrow I shall do this test”.

But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.

After reflecting a while, Aydi answered: “I shall help you. Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead. I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you. You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm. You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.”

Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house: “You told me you wanted some payment.”

Aydi answered: ”Yes, but it isn’t money. Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”   (in “The Aleph”, to be published world wide in 2011)’

Just before reading this today I called my friend Patti who lives on Vancouver Island. I was barely awake but I listened to the urge to call her. We met in 1982. I have a zillion adventure stories of the life and times of Patti and I.

When I met Patti we were just 18 and her mom was the first cancer survivor I had met. Edna had survived breast cancer and had a mastectomy. I had never met anyone who had gone through this and I so admired her strength. This woman had 3 boys and Patti. She had left her marriage, put herself through school and worked her way up to being a Justice of the Peace while raising 4 children on her own and surviving a terrible illness. Edna soon found out that my Mom had her issues and she took me under her wing and called herself Mom #2. I loved knowing she was there for me but having grown up without the guidance of a mom I didn’t know how to openly receive all that Edna was offering to me so I stood back. Over the years Patti and I drifted apart as did my relationship to Edna. Fortunately Patti and I did became close again in 2004 which was just months prior to cancer finally taking Edna’s life. Edna struggled with cancer for over 23 years. I miss her and the time lost that I could have been with her but she never fails to remind me to keep up and that no matter what obstacles stand in the way keep going forward.

Patti and I are very close today as I am with number of other amazing women. I continue to find it curious though that I always seem to have young girls in my life. Many of my friends are of my age or thereabouts and a few older but the young women in my life keep showing up and I'm so grateful for the gifts they give me.

Years ago it started with Caitlin, who because of the countless hours we spent together while I was in relationship with her father became the closest to my raising a child as I will ever have. I cherish those memories and am so proud of the woman she is today and the small part I played in her life.

Then there has been Skylar, my friend Jill’s daughter who is so tiny but carries with her the largest heart of gold. Sky was born to serve and does so with such grace and kindness.

There is Robyn, who I can’t wait to see on Saturday Night Live one day as she is talented beyond her own ability to see and is so, so wise and funny.

Lhasaja, who is the most extraordinary priestess and courageous soul! Seriously, can one woman be more beautiful than Lhasaja! Stunning is the only word.

There is Megan who has been my roommate for over a year now and who I admire beyond words. There is nothing she can’t do and her wisdom and wit impress me constantly. Maybe its because we are both Pisces that we are able to swim in the house together without the barrier of age. I’m continuously grateful to her and her family for always being so kind to me and giving me such a cozy place to call home. (Did you know she came it 2nd in the 2010 RedBull Crashed Ice competition in Quebec City last March?! She is nothing short of amazing!)

There is Avtar who is my step-daughter. I love her ability to see who she is and to get on stage and sing her heart out and spontaneously decide to move from the comforts of LA to New York. She is so brave, worldly and gifted and so real.

I have a new young friend Taylor who is so smart! She is studying journalism and I know that she is going to BE someone, someone who will go out into the world and make a difference for all of us.

And there is Neisa. Neisa is the niece of a friend (the Knight) and although we have only met a couple of times at her grandparents home we have kept in touch via the world’s greatest time waster - FaceBook. I have had a considerable amount of support over the past couple months since I first announced that I had cancer but I have to say the words that 17 year old Neisa would send to me touched me profoundly. She kept my spirits up each time I felt them fall. I haven’t seen her for so long but hope to make a road trip soon to see her and give her a great big hug of gratitude in person. Neisa told me once that she has dreams of being a songwriter. Maybe that dream has changed but her words are music that pull on my heart strings and uplift my soul.

What I love the most about all these young women is that they don’t know how much inspiration they offer me and I feel so honoured to know them.

I’m extremely blessed to have friends all over the globe and I’m so sorry I’ve been failing badly at keeping in touch. I have been slipping into the depths of depression which I’m sure is due to the exhaustion and lack of hormone regulator and I haven’t felt like talking to anyone or sharing with anyone especially the truth of how I’ve been feeling. I've been thinking of the 12 Steps lately - Step 1 - I’m powerless over - having cancer and having had my thyroid removed - and my life has become unmanageable. Step 2 - I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. This would be that voice inside me that permits me relaxation and stillness and to not push beyond my limitations of the moment. Soon it will bring me back to sanity, hopefully. So, please forgive me for not returning phone calls, emails, FaceBook messages, blog comments, text messages, etc. I just haven’t had the energy but I will. I will respond just give me a little more time.

I’m so grateful to you all for reaching out to me while this cold wind is passing through my life and you are keeping the fire lit. I want you to know that I will always do the same for you and I’ll never forget your kindness towards me.

Today as I take time to clean the house and pack for my road trip to Golden, BC tomorrow I will hold a flame that lights the fire of friendship for all of you who are holding me up. Your task to day is to remember all the friends in your life for who you keep a fire lit for its more important to keep the fire lit than to be the one looking into the fire. Give and you will be kept warm in the arms of friendship.

Bless you!!

Putting the Words Together....

I've had an exhausting week. Just very, very tired but I'm forging on and going on an adventure today. I'm slow to start, its 12:20pm Mountain Time. Actually every day out of my pj's and out of the house seems to be an adventure lately!

I have so much to say that I'm hoping that on this short drive I'll be able to collect my jumbled thoughts and form them into something inspiring for all of you.

I'm in good spirits overall but WOW! its shocking how fast the tiredness can slam into me and the sadness can leap forward like an old friend playing a prank and hiding in the dark corner waiting for that right moment to jump into the light and scare the crap out of me! And it does scare me, not the depths of it all but the suddenness of it (is that a word?). I can be going along and feeling good and then WHAM! I need to lie down right away. It's the most bizarre feeling not to be able to push through for even a few minutes.

It's a bleak gray day here, 0C. Perfect for a wee road trip and lots of tunes and audiobooks on my new iTouch - 32G!! xo

If I Had to Live My Life Over Again....

I woke up early this morning after FINALLY sleeping more than a few hours straight and I've already watched the latest episode of Dexter on my computer. Nothing like a little darkside of Dexter to start the week off right! Yesterday I was so completely depleted of energy I could barely get from bed to the bathroom. It was rather depressing. Even though there is the first snow of the year on the ground this morning here in Northern Alberta I'm happy to be awake and feeling more rested.

So, here I am trying to think of what to write and I look at my favourite author Paulo Coelho's blog (authour of The Pilgrimage, The Alchemist, The Valkryies, The Witch of Portobello and more!) and he has this wonderful One Minute Read and I thought I would share it with you.

From Paulo's Blog:

Of course, you can’t unfry an egg, but there is no law against thinking about it.
If I had my life to live over, I would try to make more mistakes.
I would relax. I know of very few things that I would take seriously.
I would go more places. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less bran.
I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary troubles.
You see, I have been one of those fellows who live prudently and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I have had my moments. But if I had it to do over again, I would have more of them – a lot more.
I never go anywhere without a thermometer, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do over, I would travel lighter.
If I had my life to live over, I would pay less attention to people telling us we must learn Latin or History; otherwise we will be disgraced and ruined and flunked and failed.
I would seek out more teachers who inspire relaxation and fun.
If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted a little earlier in the spring and stay that way a little later in the fall.
I would shoot more paper wads at my teachers.
I would keep later hours.
I’d have more sweethearts.
I would go to more circuses.
I would be carefree as long as I could, or at least until I got some care- instead of having my cares in advance.
I doubt, however, that I’ll do much damage with my creed.
The opposition is too strong.
There are too many serious people trying to get everybody else to be too darned serious.

If I, Laara had to live my life over again I would do all of the above and I would take even more risks than what I already have.
I would care less about what people thought and I would spend less money on things and more on adventure.
I would choose a backpack as my home and choose hiking shoes and flip flops over heels (even though I love, love, love my spikey heeled boots especially my Browns!)
I would not be afraid to be alone and I would give myself more permission to lie in the grass and stare at the sky and daydream.
I would have had children (lots of them) and carried them with me all over the world and I would have said all I regret not saying.
If I had to live my life over again I would have paid more attention in school and learned a second language.
I would have never gotten married and I would have given my heart completely. 
I would laugh more and mourn less and I would have hugged my Mom more.
If I had to live my life over again I would never have come home from Spain and I would live part-time in India serving.
I would appreciate all beings even when I'm irritated and I would practice the Art of Joining more frequently.
I would value every moment in meditation and prayer and not look at it as a chore but as a gift of soulful communication with the Divine.
If I had to live my life over I would be HEALTHY, HAPPY AND HOLY!

So, today as I spend the day inside and warm from the cold I am going to do this. As of this moment I swear I'm going to live my life over again and I'm going to begin to shed the layers of oppression that has held me in a shell of bondage for too long.

Today indulge in thinking of the things in your life you wish to change large or small and by the end of day change one thing and remember to smile for today you are alive and have the ability to BE the change you wish to see in the world! Also, share this with those around you and let's see as a collective joined together by thought and dream the happy world we can create!!

All my love!! xo

PS - I'm trying to figure out how to create a RSS Feed for my blog and add a music URL. Anyone with knowledge of how to do this please help this computer geek. Thank you!

What NOT to say to someone with Thyroid Disease/Cancer

What NOT to say to someone with Thyroid Disease...

Get well soon.... thank you for your sentiments but Thyroid Disease which includes Thyroid Cancer is life long especially when you have had yours removed. This means a life sentence of medication and taking this particular medication is a constant balancing act. Remember that the thyroid regulates your metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and hormones. One little pill and its precise mg’s has to balance each of these and its not an easy process. I’ve been on the medication for about 10 days and even though I’m taking a very low dose to introduce it to my body I’m having constant low grade anxiety and by 4pm the leg and arm cramps that are similar to what I would think is what Restless Leg Syndrome feels like starts and lasts all night. This has been my worst nightmare coming true, I’m more sick now than what I was before and there is nothing I can do about it. So, get well soon.... soon could be a very long time.

Come on you can’t be that tired... I know I’ve been tired for years but I’ve always had the strength to push through. Now when I get tired there is a wall and I slam into it like a sliding glass door and I didn’t see the glass. When I get tired now I must stop immediately and there is no pushing through even for a few minutes. So tired.... oh my God you have no idea!

You need to exercise more or go on a diet... yeah, I’ll get right on that!

Your TSH is 1.8 and in range so you are healthy... my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) has been within range for years and look where I am today. TSH is produced by the pituitary gland and tells the thyroid gland to make and release the hormones thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). You also have to have your T4 and T3 tested to have an accurate read. High levels of T3 and T4 could mean Hyperthyroidism (overactive) and low levels could mean Hypothyroidism (underactive).

In Kundalini Yoga the pituitary gland is very important. Let me explain.

There are 84 meridian points on the roof of the mouth which the tongue stimulates as we chant Mantra. Each Mantra is chanted for a different effect whether it be for heart opening, prosperity, mental calming, mental stimulating, healing addictions, etc. When the tongue touches the meridian points in a particular sequence it vibrates the hypothalamus, pituitary and pineal glands in the brain, directly and immediately sending out a message to the heart/the brain of each of your trillion cells which then immediately begin to radiate and vibrate the message of the mantra you are chanting which in turn influences your overall glandular function, moods, emotions, behaviors and physical well being. I love Kundalini Yoga! Wahe Guru!

Here is a link to a yoga set for the Pituitary Gland http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Kriya%20Pituitary%20Gland%20Series.htm   and thank you to Sat Avtar Kaur and her brilliant website http://www.kundalini-yoga-info.com/

Don’t be so hormonal....  I have already apologized to my friends about this. I am not normally hormonal but without the hormone regulator I don’t know how I may react. I  already cry often only because I’m so sensitive to others and situations. But if I fly off the handle for no reason at all just walk up to me and hug me as tight as you can until it passes. Please do this and forgive me for any out of line behaviour. You know it isn’t really me, its just the imbalance and I will do my best to control it. I’ve always been on a near exact 28 day cycle for the 33 years I’ve been menstruating. I’m also one of those anomolies who loves her period and the mystery of my body’s call to the pull of the moon. I hope this won’t change as a result of this surgery.

I know someone who had that and they're fine....  really? Are they really fine? When was the last time you sat down and had a real heart to heart with them on how they are doing? Perhaps today is the day to be a friend and go and spend some time with them and ask if you can do something for them because I promise you they are not FINE! Ask them what it is like regulating the medication and how their life has changed as a result of this. I promise you that your support will be heartfully received.

Your scar is so big!....  yes, I actually had a successful, intelligent woman in her 50’s say  this to me the other day in front of others. Her next comment was ‘Did it spread?’ I was speechless and just wrapped my scarf a little tighter around my neck and choked back my tears. (JH ~ I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, Iove you.)

I’m a woman who has struggled with loving my body all my life. I’m one of those women who has had men (more than one or two) tell her that ‘if you just lost a little weight’. I even had a man suggest I get liposuction. So now I have this scar to deal with. I’m not in the category of other cancers where you can hide your scars under your clothes, my scar is front and center. I’ve been so afraid that I won’t be seen anymore and that people will only see my scar and this woman blurts this out to me. I was devastated. Sometimes its better to just say nothing at all. (Just so you know I do love my body today and all its curves. I love that I’m proportioned and that my jeans fit and that my riding chaps look hot! I love all my curves and I’m not just a little bit woman, I’m all woman! 

My friend had her thyroid removed and she gained 300lbs....  well, let’s just pray that won’t be me and thanks for the encouraging words but have no fear I love food and nothing will stop me from eating even if I do reach 300lbs, just more of me to love right?!

Well, if you’re going to have cancer that’s the one to have.... yes it it true that Thyroid Cancer is treatable however it is treatable by not just removing the cancerous tumour but removing the entire thyroid gland which is very important to the overall function of the body. But just removing it doesn’t mean all is good. There is still daily medication and also, approximately 6 weeks after the thyroid has been removed then the person is recommended to take RadioActive Iodine (RAI) which is a form of radiation treatment taken orally. Weeks prior to taking RAI the patient must go on a very strict low iodine diet and then be scanned to determine how much RAI is to be given. During this time the thyroid medication must be stopped for a few weeks which means energy levels plummet only then to do the balancing act all over again when its time to restart the meds. Depending on the dosage some patients must be quarantined because they are literally radioactive. Even the clothes they wear during treatment must be burned because the natural body perspiration and other body discharges are radioactive and even the toilet must be flushed twice to make sure all the radioactive stuff goes down the drain. Pretty scary stuff if you ask me and no one wants cancer ever, treatable or not. I know I didn’t ask for this!

So what DO you say to someone with Thyroid Disease/Cancer....  I don’t have an exact answer. Maybe just think for a moment before you speak and drop into your heart. Whatever comes out of your mouth after that will be perfect because it will be coming from your heart not from a place of insensitivity. Be kind. Just be kind. Isn’t that what we all hope for in our communications?

This afternoon I’m going to sneak into a Thyroid Cancer symposium for professionals at the Shaw Center here in Edmonton. I’m going with my friend Maureen who is in town. We met when we were in Grade 3! Imagine that!

Today I will communicate from my heart and smile so all who I come into contact with will feel my sincere warmth and gratitude for all that I have in my life today especially for friendships that have lasted for close to 40 years. Yikes... am I really that old ~ LOL!

The Big Revelation.... Damn It!!

Yesterday I wrote out this long winded blog that needed a bit of editing before posting so I was going to do that after watching the Mad Men finale last night (my favourite show) but I didn’t get to it and now it doesn’t seem fitting to post. (It's still a good post so maybe I'll post it tomorrow.) Today what does seem fitting is the new revelation I’ve discovered about Thyroid Disease but before the big reveal a little background.

One morning I woke up with an ache in the arch of my foot. I thought at the time I may have pulled a muscle but how was this possible? Well, within a couple of weeks my feet, ankles and knees were swollen like balloons and then shortly after the inflammation crept into my hips and the pain was just as intense as wild fire. It was October 1988.

From there the pain and swelling went into my wrists, elbows and hands. By now I'd been to the doctor who sent me to a Rheumatologist. By the time I finally saw this doctor I’d had numerous blood tests, etc, trying to figure out what was going on. I hobbled into this doctor's office and he proceeded to lay out a drug treatment plan. Well, taking drugs of any sort was not high on my list of wants no matter how much pain I was in. I told him I wanted another option. I was 24 years old and he said that either way drugs or no drugs I had to get used to the fact that I would permanently be in a wheelchair by the time I was 30 years old. I looked at him,  lifted myself out of the chair, replied with a 'Fu.. You!' and hobbled out the door. I then found Dr. Arthur Bookman, the kindest, sweetest Rheumatologist at Toronto Western Hospital. I did end up taking the drugs but Dr. Bookman was always very considerate of my aversion to them and I respected that.

So, from 1988 when I was diagnosed with what is called Serum Negative Rheumatoid Arthritis, which means it never showed up in my bloodwork (hmmm....???) till probably 1993 I struggled with relapses sometimes leaving me completely incapacitated and close to quadrapeligic paralyzed for months at a time. The pain was more than I can ever explain and over 40 joints were inflamed. Searing pain 24/7. I made a mindful decision one day while lying in bed at 26 years old that this was not how I was going to live my life and slowly, very slowly I started to heal and I started to wean myself off the drugs, the steroids and the painkillers.

When I was 28 I was living in Vancouver and I went to my first Kundalini Yoga class. I couldn’t do the yoga but I could sit or lie down and breathe and listen to the mantra music and one day I noticed that I could sit cross legged. And then another day I noticed that I could step up a street curb. One step, literally at a time my body began to break out of the shackles of this mysterious disease that robbed me of years of my life and living.

As the years went on I lived as normal as I could however there were things I always noticed. For instance I always felt weak and I never had the endurance of others around me. Yes, I look like a big strong girl and I have the mind and determination of a wild bull but I’m not physically strong at all. Also, I have had muscle aches and pains ongoing for what feels like forever and I don’t heal well. If I cut myself it will take much longer to heal than it would most people. This is why some doctors have thought I may have Sjogren’s which is a connective tissue disorder but I only have some of the symptoms not all.

This past weekend I discovered something very interesting and very disturbing which has left me burdened with resentment and grief. Are you ready for the great revelation?

I was misdiagnosed. Not once but repeatedly for the last 22 years!

I didn't know but its a known fact that people who have autoimmune diseases like Rheumatoid Arthritis have thyroid trouble. Gee, no wonder the Rheumatoid Factor never showed up in my bloodwork, it wasn’t necessarily Rheumatoid, it was Thyroid Disease!!! Every time I've had my thyroid tested it has come back NORMAL! How could it be normal when I’ve had a slow growing cancerous tumour growing inside it for years?

Well, that’s because I was an uneducated advocate for myself. I was told that my thyroid was being tested but only the Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) was being tested not the actual Thyroid Hormones (T3 and T4). And each time the TSH would come back in range, a perfect 1.8 and I would still be exhausted and worn out. I'd still have headaches, constipation, lazy metabolism and my hair has been falling out by the handful for over a year. I've taken almost every supplement known to man and seen every healer under the stars searching for something to lift me up but nothing has worked. I realize now that I was excellent at making up excuses for my exhaustion, too much work, not eating right, not exercising enough, the gloomy days of Vancouver living, daily stresses, etc. If it wasn't for my innate mental drive and soulful determination I would be a crumpled couch potato living off government disability and welfare not able to get my body up and into action. But as you all know that isn't ME. I'm not made of that and I'm not one to give in to a fight very easily even one with my own body.

The only reason I became sick with Rheumatoid in the first place was because my mother had died tragically and violently when I was 22 and within 6 months after I had 2 other great losses, one I’m not prepared to discuss openly and the other a heartbreak, a deep heartbreak. From there I decided the best way for me to cope was to work and I did, almost 7 days a week until I became sick and even after that I would still load up on painkillers and carry on. The body can only handle so much stress before it breaks down and I admit in fear of feeling all that grief and loss I ran from it and put my body under tremendous pressure. All in all it was STRESS that wore me down and made me sick, STRESS!!

For those of you who know me and are intimate with the many chapters of my life know that I have not lead a life filled with rainbows, sweet flowers and little bubbles but rather pages of colourful challenges and rocky mountainous hills and yes, yes, yes one day you will see all these amazing stories some sad but many hilarious in print on your local bookstore shelf. All has made me who I am today which is strong, fearless, able to witness humour in everything, flexible to change, forgiving more than one woman should be, open to any adventure and willing to try anything within reason at least once but I’m tired. I’m tired beyond tired and have been for a very, very long time but its only my body that's tired which leaves me in such conflict. My mind is sharp, active and constantly striving to reach a new height and my spirit is so playful and filled with wonderment and expression and reaches deep into my soul. But today I fall to my knees and admit with my heart in my hands, I'm tired.

Today as I sit here in the quiet of my bedroom currently listening to Miten, partner of Deva Premal sing So Much Magnificence (There is so much magnificence near the ocean, waves are coming in, waves are coming in, halleluja) I strive to find acceptance. This piece of music always brings me to peace and peace is what I need right now as I’m torn between raging anger and knock me down grief. This could have been prevented if I would have known there was a connection between autoimmune and the thyroid but I didn’t and I should have and I feel so ignorant with all the physiology and health and wellness training I’ve had over the years. I should have known better. Damn it I should have! And if I did I would still have my thyroid and I wouldn’t have to take medication for the rest of my life in this physical form and I wouldn't this horrible gash across the base of my neck which will be a lifelong chore of acceptance and self love. Damn, Damn, Damn!!! I guess its just another chapter.

PS - I still want to add music to my blog if anyone could tell me how to create a URL from my iTunes playlist I'd be so grateful!!

Just a short update.....

I had hoped to be blogging more often but I've been very under the weather the last few days. Just extreme nausea so green jello is still at the top of the menu. I've also been very weak... low blood pressure which I'm hoping will come up soon so I can be up for more than a couple hours at a time. Didn't get the stitches out yet but maybe tomorrow.

My little blog has had over 1000 hits!! Wow! Thank you all for your love and support. I'm sure in the next day or so I'll have something more interesting to tell you.

Much love! xoxox

Green Jello & Chocolate Milkshakes....

Saturday afternoon and I'm still wiped out. I can normally push through anything but I can't push through this. All I've ate over the past few days is jello (yummy green jello), a bit of broth, Dairy Queen chocolate milkshakes and yesterday I ate about 10 grapes. I'll never refuse food but even the scent of chicken wings and Royal Pizza wafting into my room last night didn't stir me into hunger.

I'm sending my man servant, my angel, my strength through this to pick me up a tetra pack of butternut squash soup. I'm hoping that a bit of food will give me the strength to sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time.

On a positive note I forgot to mention that my voice survived intact!! The pitch, projection and the sweetness all survived and I bowed to my surgeon yesterday in gratitude.

I've been trying to ease up on the painkillers but I'm no where near giving them up completely. I did sleep for 4 hours straight last night which was a feat and my dad is on his way over from my sister's and once he arrives I'll sleep again hopefully for at least 2.

I have so many emotions rising but its hurt so much to cry but a couple tears found their way to the surface fell into my bath water a few minutes ago.

When I was in the operating theatre as its called the nurse and the anesthesiologist were explaining to me all that was about to happen. They were just about to give me the drug interveneously to help me relax when I held on to the nurses arm and broke down in tears. They allowed me to listen to my ipod until the surgery so I had Liv Singh's Wahe Pachalbel Chant playing. It is said that if you are about to die chant Wahe Guru and you will immediately merge with the angels.

I honestly thought while I was lying on that gurney that this was the end of this lifetime as I knew it. I held on to the nurse's arm and cried not because I am afaid to die but because I was just overwrought with emotion, all the emotions that I still hadn't expressed in this life, in this body. All the joy, happiness, laughter, the ecstasy, the appreciation, the gratitude, the play!! All of it! I've been saying for so long that I feel like I've barely even begun to live my life. Many of you look at my life and think its filled with adventure and experience and it is but there is still so much more I want do. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything worth anything.

When I came to consciousness in the recovery room they brought me my ipod and it was still playing Wahe Pachalbel. As I laid there in and out of consciousness I was so surprised to still be here in this body. I really didn't think I was going to wake up hence ensuring before going in that day I had a makeshift will drawn up outlining distribution of my few valuable possessions.

Today as I enjoy the luxury of doing nothing except sleeping and staring into space I am mindful of each breath I take (labourious as they are) I'm grateful for each one. Today is a new day and I have been granted a new life to make it as I wish. All you you reading this have that opportunity right now at this moment too. You don't have to endure what I did to appreciate that today, this moment is the first day of the rest of your life!! Wahe Guru (this means - I am in ecstacy when I experience the indescribable wisdom of the universe!)!! And now... more green jello!!

Home Sweet Home

This will be a short post but I wanted to let you all know that I am okay. I'm still in a great deal of pain and still exhausted but I'm okay. Pain in the incision, my neck and all the way into my chest. It still hurts to take a deep breath but the drain tube came out today (still leaking a bit but at least that annoying tube is gone!). I can't remember ever being so wiped out but that might be because the last read on my blood pressure was 81 over 53... just a tad low. It will come up over the next couple days.

The hospital was extremely noisy but the nursing staff were all amazing and so, so sweet and kind. I've been very well taken care of and will be for some time to come.

I just took more drugs so I'm going to lie down in my wonderful bed and yummy flannel sheets. My house is so quiet and my Dad is downstairs in the living room reading. Its really nice having him here with me.

Here is a pic I took this morning on my phone just before the drain tube was removed. Sorry if this grosses anyone out but this is real. Stitches will be out next week. It might not look that painful from your angle but from mine its excruitating.... all in the name of health!!

PS ~ I'm happy I woke up!

9 hours to go....

I'm lying here in my cozy bed with fresh sheets and an angel beside me listening to Snatam Kaur's 'Guru Ram Das'. This is exactly the sweet energy my soul is calling for tonight. 9 hours from now I'll enter the operation room to have my thyroid removed and hopefully only 2 parathyroids - 7:30am Mountain time.

Today was extremely busy just getting myself organized. Cleaning, laundry, etc. This afternoon I had a complete meltdown while eating lunch and later when I was talking to my BFF (best friend forever) Sarab Shakti, I expressed that I feel like I'm being a drama queen. In her wonderfully sweet Shakti (powerful feminine) she said, 'You are having Cancer Surgery!!!!' In other words its okay to freak out.

I guess I've been confused about how to respond to all of this since I've never had this before. How does one behave or be? I've had many people flipantly say 'Oh my Aunt Mary had that and she's fine.' I understand people are just trying to find a way to deal with it themselves but the only response I've had that was politely left on the tip of my tongue was 'And when was the last time you had your throat cut open to have a major gland removed?' I wouldn't say that but it sure has been close.

I've had a sore throat for months and months... probably about 8+ months but I kept thinking it was because I was rundown, or from stress, or maybe its dry in the house, or dry outside, or climate change. Finally at the end of June the irritation and burning became too much and I went to the MediClinic. The doctor there wanted to give me antibiotics but I wouldn't take them until he could prove to me that I needed them so he sent me for a thyroid ultrasound. I knew I'd get a call back and I did which is when I was sent to the surgeon for a biopsy. It took 2 months to get biopsied and that was fast! I'm so grateful for our medical system however I'm fortunate that the type of cancer my thyroid has is not aggressive otherwise I don't know where I'd be right now. I've been told that I've had this for years and that a sore throat is not necessarily a symptom but perhaps it was my body's way of getting my attention to have it checked. This is a silent disease and more need to know how to check their own thyroid because my tests have always came back saying all is normal. Hmmm... how is a malignant growing tumor normal? Our bodies are incredibly complex.

Yes, I'm scared to answer everyone's question. I feel like I just want one more day. Late this afternoon I was at the airport picking up my Dad who flew in from the Island and while I was sitting there I became aware of how acute all of my senses were.

Stop what you are doing right now... right now and take in all the smells in the air. Feel the atmosphere on your skin. Take in a deep breath through your nose. Look at the variety of colours that surround you. Now close your eyes and listen. Listen to the richness of your world. Hear your heart beating. Hear your soul's voice and the sound of the community of angel's wings surrounding you holding you up at this exact moment in time.

I'm so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support and friendship. Tomorrow morning when I'm on my way to healing my amazing Kundalini Yoga community will be gathering globally to honour and celebrate the life of our Master Yogi Bhajan. They will be in reverant meditation and will be holding a sacred space for all of us on this troubled planet. I know Yogiji's spirit will be holding my hand tomorrow morning and this brings my soul great comfort. (In some near future blog I will tell you the story of how I was blessed to be in his presence and how he took me in and molded me into the woman I am today.) I'm so honoured to be a teacher of the Secret Sacred Science of Kundalini Yoga.

This evening as I drift into a deep sleep I will allow myself to step out of worry and into faith. Bless you all!!

PS ~ Much thanks to Sat Jiwan Kaur - Reiki Master in Vancouver for her exquisate distance healing. I slept on Sunday night for 8 straight hours! That's the first time in weeks. Thank you so much!!

1:05pm

It's only 1:05pm and I haven't done so well with my words, thoughts or actions today. I've been impatient, bitchy, stressed and just not my best. I've raised my voice and cried. Not at all what my intention was for today.... so this entry is me starting all over again... and now a little Ho'oponopono....John ... I"m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you.... xo

Sunny Sunday Morning and Butterflies

It's early Sunday morning and first of all I want to thank you all for your love and support!! Wow, my wee blog had almost 400 hits in 10 countries! Who is in Italy, Poland and Thailand? I've had an emotional couple of days hence not writing. I haven't been sleeping very well, waking every few hours and not being able to fall back into dreamland. My mind is racing with thoughts that are irrelevant and my body is uncomfortable. I just don't feel like ME and I'm restless in my own skin. I've known for a couple months that transition is near because I haven't liked myself in any of my clothes. It doesn't matter what I put on it doesn't feel right. Yesterday I must have tried on 7 outfits before settling on a pair of leggings (nice and stretchy for comfort) and a long to the knee kirta (Indian term for long shirt). I did buy a pair of capris at the Gap Outlet yesterday that I'll wear today whether they are comfortable or not because I'm so proud of the super bargain I got them for... $4.18!! Yup, I'm an excellent shopper and why pay retail when you don't have to!! LOL!!

The afternoon after my first blog I had a panic attack. My guess is that the fear I think I have a handle on just bubbled to the surface. I resorted to my innate Kundalini Yoga training and brought my mind directly to my breath and slowed it down. I stood still until the wave of anxiety passed and then I sat for a few moments and gathered myself before carrying on.

Why am I so afraid? Well, I'm not afraid of the 'C' word as I know this will pass and I'm not afraid of dying as I know there is liberation on the other side, so what is it?.... aaahhh.....its the fear that if I don't wake up from the surgery my life is not in order (I'm sure we all share a little of this fear). Its the fear of being more sick after the surgery than before. Its the fear of having my throat cut (I know deep in my soul that in past lives I've been choked to death, been guillotined and literally had my throat cut leading to death.) My friend Bruce (www.farnorthsaunas.com) pointed out the irony that I always wear scarves and I do. Has this been some forethought? I have a large Rubbermaid storage container full of scarves and shawls and I still went out and bought 2 more on Friday. I'm also afraid of taking medication for the rest of my life as I don't even take Advil and the thought of the Radioactive Iodine therapy freaks me out completely!! That's the type of radiation I'll have to do after I recover from surgery. I'll talk more about that when the time comes.

This blog doesn't feel as if its flowing as well as my first but that might be because as the days get closer the more scattered I am. All I know is that right now I'm extremely fragile. I'm usually so strong and together but right now I can't hear anything negative or be around any form of stress. My skin is too thin.

So, what is the thyroid and what are its functions? Its actually a pretty gland that sits just below your windpipe and it lays in front of your trachea like a butterfly. The wings fan out to the left and right of your throat.

Side Note - Way back in 1988 I went to see a psychic, Laurel Vickars who now lives in Meaford, Ontario (she's in my list of FaceBook friends if you want to contact her for a reading). My mom had died by her own hand only two years before and when I went to see Laurel she knew and she began to channel my mom. This was amazing to me all that she knew, seriously she knew stuff about her that there was no way she could have known since we had only just met. Because my mom had committed suicide her spirit was stuck in between the worlds and when I asked what she was doing Laurel said she is assisting butterflies through their metamorphosis. Since then I've had a affinity for butterflies. Whenever I see one I know my mother's spirit is near me. When I was walking on the Camino de Santiago in Spain there were many butterflies along The Way but only on the trail not off of it which we all thought was odd but it gave me comfort knowing that my mother and all the other angels were near giving me the strength to walk another day. I just realized that fear and anxiety and excitement can all feel like butterflies in your tummy... hmmm... funny how its all connected!!

The function of the thyroid is extremely important to our human bodies. It regulates hormones, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and metabolism. Without the thyroid medication is used to balance all of these functions. On each of the four quadrants of the thyroid sits the parathyroids. These control blood and bone calcium. I have to have two removed from the unhealthy side of the thyroid but the surgeon has promised me he would do is best to save the others to healthy side. 

Since July 1st when I first learned that I had these lumps in my thyroid and neck I've been analyzing my throat chakra. In the Chakra system this is the 5th Chakra represented by the colour blue and its about communication. So my question has been where am I not communicating, what am I not communicating and how many poisonous words am I swollowing? As a teacher (Kundalini Yoga and Healthy Breast) I know I need to be teaching more and to larger audiences. I also know that I have not been living my life's purpose. Louise Hay says that the thyroid represents creativity. All I can say to that is .... hhhmmmmm.....

So today I will look at my words and although I am careful not to be mean or hurtful to others in my language how am I being mean and hurtful to ME by not saying all that I have to say and by not living my destiny?

Enjoy your Sunday! All my love and watch for butterflies and faires!! xo

PS - If any of you know how to add background music to my blog I'd be so grateful for your expertise. I just plain can't figure it out!! :)

First Blog.... Relaxing...

This is the beginning of my blogging world. I've wanted to do this for a long time for a variety of reasons and now more than ever I'm being pushed to talk openly about what is happening in my little corner of the world.

As I begin please forgive me as I'm brand new at this and although I feel that I have lots to say many of you might think differently.

Two weeks ago yesterday I was told that I had Thyroid Cancer. Who would have guessed that one! I'm still in a state of shock and the past couple weeks have been alot for me to deal with. I'm trying my best to wrap my mind around this diagnosis but it all seems so surreal. I spend a great deal of time far from the edge of the medical world vortex and as soon as the words came out of the surgeon's mouth I felt myself being sucked into the black downward spiraling vortex of allopathic medical land.

I'm scheduled to have surgery next Wednesday which ironically is the same day that my dear spiritual teacher Yogi Bhajan was liberated from his body in 2004. I met Yogiji in 1998 after a couple years of waiting to meet him. This was a big deal standing in line at his cabin at the Solstice site (Ram Das Puri) way up in the Jemez Mountains of New Mexico. It was hot and dusty and I was dressed in my cleanest whites so nervous and filled with anticipation of what he might say or prophecise about me. When it was my turn I handed him a mango as a gift and knelt at his feet, dipping my head in reverence. As I raised my head and my eyes met his he waved his hand as if swatting away a fly and said, 'You're too uptight, go relax.' 'Relax', I said. 'I don't know how to relax. What do you mean relax? I'm not uptight!' He then said, 'Your destiny is already written on your forehead you need to relax.'

Well, that was 12 years ago and I 'm still learning the art of relaxing. Now I'm in a situation where I'm being forced to relax and slow down. My challenge isn't slowing my body but slowing the constant ongoing chatter of my mind. Over the next couple months while healing I'm going to do my very best to practice this sacred and challenging art while living in a world addicted to busy-ness and venti lattes laced with too much caffeine. (I am a decaf girl and always will be. I don't need to inject any added anxiety into my world!)

Today I start my relaxing by forcing myself up and out of bed at the luxurious time of 8:57am and am going to go for a walk in my neighbourhood of cookie-cutter houses before jetting off to St. Albert to help a friend and then heading downtown to give a massage.

Today I will be mindful of relaxing. Thank you for joining me on my healing journey! xo