Time and Relationship

I can't believe its been 10 days since my last blog entry. Where does the time go when you aren't doing anything?

Not much has happened in the past 10 days. Let's see.... I've slept and I haven't slept. I put Michelin X-Ice tires on my car (Wow! What a difference they make driving in the snow!!) I've been on 2 short roadtrips, was planning a big one to Kamloops but decided that was too ambitious so I stayed put. I miss being there at the workshop as I was so longing to connect with my community but I just couldn't push myself there. I may be going on another short one this weekend and might make my first trip to Fort McMurray next week just for a quick overnight. I've managed to get myself on the treadmill almost everyday for at least 20 minutes at a time. I'm eating better but still not well enough. (I'm so hard on myself-LOL!) I've somehow gained a few inches over the last couple months but what can you expect when you have zero metabolism. Its a wee bit depressing but I'm determined not to buy bigger jeans!

Friendship has come to mind lately. I met a friend for coffee last weekend. I've known her for I think 13 years. We've only seen each other a couple times since I moved here but it was so amazing for me to see a friend I have history with. It made me realize how much I've missed my friends during this whole thing. Yes, I've had support but nothing is the same as being held in the arms of an old friend. It's been interesting the people who have come forward to support me and also interesting the ones I haven't heard a word from. The ones I haven't heard from were ironically the ones I thought would be supporting me the most. Funny how crisis pulls people in the opposite direction to which they are needed most. You know who you are and I want you to know that I really miss you!

I have a friend here in Edmonton who only a couple months ago met the man of her dreams. They knew immediately that they were meant for each other and moved in together only after knowing each other a few weeks. This was only a couple months ago. Last week he proposed. This week he received news that he has stage 4 inoperable cancer. They are getting married December 14th with the prayers of miracles that he will survive this news. (Please send your love and prayers to Tanya and Michael. Thank you!)

I'm so happy for them that they found love yet so sad at what they are faced with. Is this where Lord Tennyson steps in and says 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' Or is this where I step in and say 'What the hell!' Here are these wonderful people in the midst of their life just wanting to love and be loved and this is what happens only a couple months into their relationship? Its crazy and feels so unfair.

Sometimes people meet and all the stars are aligned absolutely perfectly and sometimes they aren't. I remember a day when I met someone and I was convinced it was divine, so meant to be. I thought it was all so perfect and that he was my ever-after but my bubble only lasted a few weeks before it was pierced with reality that he didn't feel the same way and it was over. Since then I've been looking for relationship. I haven't made a career out of it but I've been open to the possibility. Yes, I've dated and loved but I'm so cautious of being heartbroken again that I've become very withholding of my heart. Is that the right thing to do or the wrong? I don't know anymore. I do know that I won't jump again like I did that day in May. That last heartbreak changed me so much. In the healing process I think I grew up a little bit. Yes, I'm still a little girl who believes in the knight on the horse but the grown up me unfortunately has become cynical and barely believes in peoples ability to commit and be faithful, honest and true. I have relationship knocking on my door and I've even gone out and played but I've had to put me first and my healing forefront and that hasn't been easy for me to do. I'm always the one to give more than receive so this has been a difficult shift and receive more than I'm giving but its been important and necessary that I put myself first this one time. Unfortunately, not all parties believe this is correct protocol and are not willing to be patient and move forward slowly so here I continue to be single at 46.

Today I'm not sure what God's plan is for me but I do know its time for me to get my butt on the treadmill and out of the pity-pot I'm sliding into. Okay, Laara snap out of it and refocus! Get on the treadmill, make those phone calls you have been putting off all week, mail those letters, pay that bill, and start that exam that has been sitting in front of you for the past 6 months!! As line three of the 5 Sutras of the Aquarian Age states, 'When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.' Let's hope because the pressure today is really intense and it's squeezing my heart closed. Today I will drop into the truth and peace of my divine soul ~ DevAtma (DevAtma is my spiritual name given to me by my teacher Yogi Bhajan. It means Divine Soul.)

                                        5 Sutras of the Aquarian Age

• Understand through compassion; otherwise you might misunderstand the times.
• Recognize that the other person is you.
• When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.
• There is a way through every block.
• Vibrate the cosmos; the cosmos shall clear the path.  

The Pill

It's 6:15am and I've been awake since 2. How is it possible to be so incredibly exhausted yet I can't sleep? I thought of taking sleeping drugs before going to bed last night but I'm not really one to take pills other than the tiny pale yellow pill that sits in a translucent blue vile with its companions on my nightstand. Everyday I put it in my mouth and swallow with a mouthful of lukewarm water and wonder in silent prayer that maybe today will be the day that this synthetic man made powdered mixture that's pressed into an eighth of an inch round pill with its Robertson slotted screw stamp across its face for easy breakage that is suppose to act as a substitute for my thyroid gland will start working. That is the only drug I want to take and it has become my God. That little pill that is hopefully going to restore my energy level so I can function again. That little pill that will restore me to sanity.

It's six weeks tomorrow. Six weeks of feeling like crap. I thought I was getting better and yes, in many ways I'm way better than I was the week after surgery but I'm no where near myself. I tried to socialize a bit last week for the first time. Had lunch with friends, had coffee. I've even dated in the past couple months but got ditched because I wasn't giving enough to him. Oops, sorry. I'm just a little tired right now and my priority right now isn't relationship. It's getting out of bed, having a shower (one where I even wash my hair), getting dressed and not falling back into bed after I've done all that.

Daily depression is knocking at my door and I'm doing my best not to answer. I just don't know how to deal with this level of exhaustion. Yes, I rest. Yes, do my best to be gentle but I'm not able to do anything for more than a few hours at a time. What do I do the rest of the time? I sleep on and off, I eat as healthy as possible but cooking is a huge task, I read and I watch TV. How long will I feel like this? No one knows. So, was the tumour removed yes. Am I cancer free? I won't know for a couple more months. Do I feel better? Hell NO!

Yesterday I was suppose to go and have my blood tested again so my new Endocrinologist can decide if he should increase the dosage or not but I didn't have the energy to get to the lab. I went to the post office first and that was all I could do. So, now I'm wondering do I go now since its open and there most likely won't be a line up of other sickies waiting for tests of some sort or am I a danger to myself and others driving in my state sleep deprivation. I think I'll stay here and hopefully sleep will come to me even for a few hours. My prayer is that the doc will give the go ahead for me to advance to the teal or the blue pill that are higher dosages which in turn may mean more energy. Oh please God!

Sorry I don't have anything more pleasant to say today. I'm just so tired of being tired.......

11:11:10~Ugh!

I woke up this morning depressed. I felt like I was doing really well. I had gone on a roadtrip last weekend. Socialized. Had a really good time. Even went to a pub with friends. Yesterday had lunch with my massage therapist buddies who I adore and miss so much. But by the time I got home at 4pm I laid down on the couch and immediately fell asleep. Woke an hour later groggy. Had dinner and was in bed by 9pm for an episode of Survivor and a little macabre with an hour of Criminal Minds. I woke at 8:14am and on my way to the bathroom felt a tear roll down my face. WHY? I'm not sad! But why am I depressed? I, of course should'nt have looked at the Thyroid Cancer websites this morning, its only a reminder of what still lies ahead.

My body is achy, my hair dry, my incision - so hard for me to look at. I've gained at least 10+lbs this past month. Nothing fits. I should just get up right this minute and go downstairs and take a ride on the treadmill Megan, my roommate bought last weekend (thank you!). Even 10 minutes and some really good iPod music will change my state of mind. But for how long? That is the depressing part. I want the change to be longer than a few minutes.

My mind is so fogged. I have so much to deal with. Let's start the list with the mountain of clothes clean and dirty all over the floor that I can't pick up. There's the stack of papers to sort through and receipts to submit for benefit reimbursement. Cash in hand should be the motivation to get that sorted but I just can't seem to do it. Nor can I seem to do anything. I can fill and empty the dishwasher and on a good day wipe the counters but the bathroom needs to be done and every morning as I brush my teeth I swear today will be the day... its been weeks and the filth growing.

Its a sunny day. Fresh and bright. Maybe I should just put on my sweats and walk outside in the crisp morning air -6C. Not that cold but maybe too cold. I was freezing last night before I went to sleep but was too tired to put on socks. Woke up in a sweat. Freezing, sweating, freezing, sweating. Happy, sad, happy, sad. Optimistic, pessimistic, optimistic pessimistic. Suddenly I have Katy Perry screaming in my ears -

'You... change your mind
Like a girl... changes clothes
Yeah you... PMS
Like a bitch... I would know
And you ... over think
Always speak ... cryptically
I should know ... that you're no good for me!

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We... used to be
Just like twins... so in sync
The same... energy
Now's a dead... battery
Used to laugh... 'bout nothing
Now your plain... boring
I should know... that you're not gonna change!

Someone... call the doctor
Got a case of love bi-polar
Stuck on a... roller coaster
Can't get off this ride.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up'

I used to think this song was only for a boyfriend who couldn't make up his mind to be with me or not, he chose not (silly boy), too bad so sad but now its all about the internal battle going on with my psyche, hormones, body temperature, blood pressure, weight ~ ugh! and energy! Up, down, on, off, hot. cold, want to, don't want to... F--ck!! I feel like I'm going a wee bit mad!

Okay - it's 9:34am and I'm going to pull myself up out of bed and put on my sweats and go downstairs and put those little earbuds in my ears which will magically play some delicious piece of music that will uplift my spirits and will motivate my feet to start taking steps forward.

Oh Happy Day! And on this day that we are meant to take time to remember all who have lost their lives in the many wars our world has and IS witnessing. In my madness today I will stop at 11:11am and hold in my heart a prayer for all who are suffering and have suffered for my freedom. God Bless.

PS - Along the Camino de Santiago, the pilgrimage across Northern Spain in the months of June and July there are many fields of poppies and the path is lined with them. The thought of those smiling flowers is inspiring me to get up and go for a walk. It's amazing where the inspiration comes from. Doesn't matter though, I'll take it as it comes. Today look around for those small signs of inspiration that motivate you to do something you have been putting off. Remember life is short and valuable - ask a veteran if you are unsure of that.

The Fire of Friendship

Just like a few days ago I took at look at Paulo Coelho’s blog this morning and once again he has inspired me. Today his 20 second read was this....

‘Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali. He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.

One winter’s night Ammar said: “Nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food. But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward. If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.

Ali answered: “Tomorrow I shall do this test”.

But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.

After reflecting a while, Aydi answered: “I shall help you. Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead. I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you. You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm. You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.”

Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house: “You told me you wanted some payment.”

Aydi answered: ”Yes, but it isn’t money. Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”   (in “The Aleph”, to be published world wide in 2011)’

Just before reading this today I called my friend Patti who lives on Vancouver Island. I was barely awake but I listened to the urge to call her. We met in 1982. I have a zillion adventure stories of the life and times of Patti and I.

When I met Patti we were just 18 and her mom was the first cancer survivor I had met. Edna had survived breast cancer and had a mastectomy. I had never met anyone who had gone through this and I so admired her strength. This woman had 3 boys and Patti. She had left her marriage, put herself through school and worked her way up to being a Justice of the Peace while raising 4 children on her own and surviving a terrible illness. Edna soon found out that my Mom had her issues and she took me under her wing and called herself Mom #2. I loved knowing she was there for me but having grown up without the guidance of a mom I didn’t know how to openly receive all that Edna was offering to me so I stood back. Over the years Patti and I drifted apart as did my relationship to Edna. Fortunately Patti and I did became close again in 2004 which was just months prior to cancer finally taking Edna’s life. Edna struggled with cancer for over 23 years. I miss her and the time lost that I could have been with her but she never fails to remind me to keep up and that no matter what obstacles stand in the way keep going forward.

Patti and I are very close today as I am with number of other amazing women. I continue to find it curious though that I always seem to have young girls in my life. Many of my friends are of my age or thereabouts and a few older but the young women in my life keep showing up and I'm so grateful for the gifts they give me.

Years ago it started with Caitlin, who because of the countless hours we spent together while I was in relationship with her father became the closest to my raising a child as I will ever have. I cherish those memories and am so proud of the woman she is today and the small part I played in her life.

Then there has been Skylar, my friend Jill’s daughter who is so tiny but carries with her the largest heart of gold. Sky was born to serve and does so with such grace and kindness.

There is Robyn, who I can’t wait to see on Saturday Night Live one day as she is talented beyond her own ability to see and is so, so wise and funny.

Lhasaja, who is the most extraordinary priestess and courageous soul! Seriously, can one woman be more beautiful than Lhasaja! Stunning is the only word.

There is Megan who has been my roommate for over a year now and who I admire beyond words. There is nothing she can’t do and her wisdom and wit impress me constantly. Maybe its because we are both Pisces that we are able to swim in the house together without the barrier of age. I’m continuously grateful to her and her family for always being so kind to me and giving me such a cozy place to call home. (Did you know she came it 2nd in the 2010 RedBull Crashed Ice competition in Quebec City last March?! She is nothing short of amazing!)

There is Avtar who is my step-daughter. I love her ability to see who she is and to get on stage and sing her heart out and spontaneously decide to move from the comforts of LA to New York. She is so brave, worldly and gifted and so real.

I have a new young friend Taylor who is so smart! She is studying journalism and I know that she is going to BE someone, someone who will go out into the world and make a difference for all of us.

And there is Neisa. Neisa is the niece of a friend (the Knight) and although we have only met a couple of times at her grandparents home we have kept in touch via the world’s greatest time waster - FaceBook. I have had a considerable amount of support over the past couple months since I first announced that I had cancer but I have to say the words that 17 year old Neisa would send to me touched me profoundly. She kept my spirits up each time I felt them fall. I haven’t seen her for so long but hope to make a road trip soon to see her and give her a great big hug of gratitude in person. Neisa told me once that she has dreams of being a songwriter. Maybe that dream has changed but her words are music that pull on my heart strings and uplift my soul.

What I love the most about all these young women is that they don’t know how much inspiration they offer me and I feel so honoured to know them.

I’m extremely blessed to have friends all over the globe and I’m so sorry I’ve been failing badly at keeping in touch. I have been slipping into the depths of depression which I’m sure is due to the exhaustion and lack of hormone regulator and I haven’t felt like talking to anyone or sharing with anyone especially the truth of how I’ve been feeling. I've been thinking of the 12 Steps lately - Step 1 - I’m powerless over - having cancer and having had my thyroid removed - and my life has become unmanageable. Step 2 - I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. This would be that voice inside me that permits me relaxation and stillness and to not push beyond my limitations of the moment. Soon it will bring me back to sanity, hopefully. So, please forgive me for not returning phone calls, emails, FaceBook messages, blog comments, text messages, etc. I just haven’t had the energy but I will. I will respond just give me a little more time.

I’m so grateful to you all for reaching out to me while this cold wind is passing through my life and you are keeping the fire lit. I want you to know that I will always do the same for you and I’ll never forget your kindness towards me.

Today as I take time to clean the house and pack for my road trip to Golden, BC tomorrow I will hold a flame that lights the fire of friendship for all of you who are holding me up. Your task to day is to remember all the friends in your life for who you keep a fire lit for its more important to keep the fire lit than to be the one looking into the fire. Give and you will be kept warm in the arms of friendship.

Bless you!!