Sunny Sunday Morning and Butterflies

It's early Sunday morning and first of all I want to thank you all for your love and support!! Wow, my wee blog had almost 400 hits in 10 countries! Who is in Italy, Poland and Thailand? I've had an emotional couple of days hence not writing. I haven't been sleeping very well, waking every few hours and not being able to fall back into dreamland. My mind is racing with thoughts that are irrelevant and my body is uncomfortable. I just don't feel like ME and I'm restless in my own skin. I've known for a couple months that transition is near because I haven't liked myself in any of my clothes. It doesn't matter what I put on it doesn't feel right. Yesterday I must have tried on 7 outfits before settling on a pair of leggings (nice and stretchy for comfort) and a long to the knee kirta (Indian term for long shirt). I did buy a pair of capris at the Gap Outlet yesterday that I'll wear today whether they are comfortable or not because I'm so proud of the super bargain I got them for... $4.18!! Yup, I'm an excellent shopper and why pay retail when you don't have to!! LOL!!

The afternoon after my first blog I had a panic attack. My guess is that the fear I think I have a handle on just bubbled to the surface. I resorted to my innate Kundalini Yoga training and brought my mind directly to my breath and slowed it down. I stood still until the wave of anxiety passed and then I sat for a few moments and gathered myself before carrying on.

Why am I so afraid? Well, I'm not afraid of the 'C' word as I know this will pass and I'm not afraid of dying as I know there is liberation on the other side, so what is it?.... aaahhh.....its the fear that if I don't wake up from the surgery my life is not in order (I'm sure we all share a little of this fear). Its the fear of being more sick after the surgery than before. Its the fear of having my throat cut (I know deep in my soul that in past lives I've been choked to death, been guillotined and literally had my throat cut leading to death.) My friend Bruce (www.farnorthsaunas.com) pointed out the irony that I always wear scarves and I do. Has this been some forethought? I have a large Rubbermaid storage container full of scarves and shawls and I still went out and bought 2 more on Friday. I'm also afraid of taking medication for the rest of my life as I don't even take Advil and the thought of the Radioactive Iodine therapy freaks me out completely!! That's the type of radiation I'll have to do after I recover from surgery. I'll talk more about that when the time comes.

This blog doesn't feel as if its flowing as well as my first but that might be because as the days get closer the more scattered I am. All I know is that right now I'm extremely fragile. I'm usually so strong and together but right now I can't hear anything negative or be around any form of stress. My skin is too thin.

So, what is the thyroid and what are its functions? Its actually a pretty gland that sits just below your windpipe and it lays in front of your trachea like a butterfly. The wings fan out to the left and right of your throat.

Side Note - Way back in 1988 I went to see a psychic, Laurel Vickars who now lives in Meaford, Ontario (she's in my list of FaceBook friends if you want to contact her for a reading). My mom had died by her own hand only two years before and when I went to see Laurel she knew and she began to channel my mom. This was amazing to me all that she knew, seriously she knew stuff about her that there was no way she could have known since we had only just met. Because my mom had committed suicide her spirit was stuck in between the worlds and when I asked what she was doing Laurel said she is assisting butterflies through their metamorphosis. Since then I've had a affinity for butterflies. Whenever I see one I know my mother's spirit is near me. When I was walking on the Camino de Santiago in Spain there were many butterflies along The Way but only on the trail not off of it which we all thought was odd but it gave me comfort knowing that my mother and all the other angels were near giving me the strength to walk another day. I just realized that fear and anxiety and excitement can all feel like butterflies in your tummy... hmmm... funny how its all connected!!

The function of the thyroid is extremely important to our human bodies. It regulates hormones, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and metabolism. Without the thyroid medication is used to balance all of these functions. On each of the four quadrants of the thyroid sits the parathyroids. These control blood and bone calcium. I have to have two removed from the unhealthy side of the thyroid but the surgeon has promised me he would do is best to save the others to healthy side. 

Since July 1st when I first learned that I had these lumps in my thyroid and neck I've been analyzing my throat chakra. In the Chakra system this is the 5th Chakra represented by the colour blue and its about communication. So my question has been where am I not communicating, what am I not communicating and how many poisonous words am I swollowing? As a teacher (Kundalini Yoga and Healthy Breast) I know I need to be teaching more and to larger audiences. I also know that I have not been living my life's purpose. Louise Hay says that the thyroid represents creativity. All I can say to that is .... hhhmmmmm.....

So today I will look at my words and although I am careful not to be mean or hurtful to others in my language how am I being mean and hurtful to ME by not saying all that I have to say and by not living my destiny?

Enjoy your Sunday! All my love and watch for butterflies and faires!! xo

PS - If any of you know how to add background music to my blog I'd be so grateful for your expertise. I just plain can't figure it out!! :)