2nd Anniversary!!

Wow! Where does the time go? Two years today I had surgery and had my cancerous thyroid removed. It was a bright, beautiful day just like today.

Not much to say today except Thank You! It hasn't been an easy road (health wise) but regardless I'm still on the road or path or whatever you wish to call it and for that I'm grateful!

I have so much bounty in my life today. Amazing sweetheart who adores me, a beautiful cozy home, wonderful friends new and old. I even had three invites for Thanksgiving dinner this weekend!! It might just end up being a bowl of soup though because I allowed myself to get a wee bit unnecessarily over stressed last week and now have a case of strep throat. Me and my new pal Apple TV and Nurse Jackie (its such a fabulous show!) are loving our time alone this long weekend. 

May you all have a safe, happy holiday weekend and remember to keep 

gratitude and thanks in your heart not only this weekend 

but every single moment. 

With every breath remember how much we have. 

I'm so blessed, so very, very blessed!! xo

 

PS - Thank you Yogiji for being a continuous source of inspiration and for always poking, provoking, confronting and elevating me way back then and still today. I miss you with all my heart! xoxo

Hello Blog Readers!

This is a different type of post. 

Are you looking for protection while driving in your car 

or any other mode of transportation?

I have designed and sell these keychains called Kundalini Keychains. 

The keychain has this mantra on one side:

Ad Guray Nameh  (I bow to the Primal Guru)
Jugad Guray Nameh  (I bow to the Truth that has existed through the ages)
Sat Guray Nameh  (I bow to True Wisdom)
Siri Guru Deyv-ay Nameh  (I bow to the great Divine Wisdom)

And the other side is a Sikh salutation:  'Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa, Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh' (Khalsa is of God and to God belongs the victory' or 'Hail the Guru’s Khalsa! Hail the Guru’s victory!')

When you get in your car or vehicle say or chant this mantra once for protection. 

These mantras come from Kundalini Yoga and 

I've been teaching this style of yoga for almost 20 years. 

I'm sure there is a teacher in your home town. 

All you have to do is google Kundalini Yoga and the name of your town or you can go to www.3ho.org/ikyta 

which is the International Kundalini Yoga Teachers Association.

You can purchase a keychain for yourself and your friends and family by contacting me 

at  devatmadesigns@hotmail.com

The picture has a Canadian quarter in it 

so you can see the size of the keychains. 

They can be shipped anywhere in the world!

SAT NAM!!

Time

Tonight while watching one of my favourite shows 'Parenthood' I had a complete meltdown. On the show Christina (character on the show) has breast cancer. It flashed me back to 2 years ago when I was waiting for surgery.

I was so scared. There are few things in this life that frighten me. Very few. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but those of you who know me know this to be true. I'm not afraid of public speaking, in fact the more the merrier. I have a secret dream of standing on stage speaking in front of thousands! I'm not afraid of wild animals... well, except snakes. They terrify me which is rather ironic considering snakes have been known to symbolize the Kundalini and I happen to have been teaching Kundalini Yoga for almost 20 years! What scared me before I found out I had cancer and still scares me today is time.

Time... that simple thing that just ticks away whether we are out saving the planet or enjoying it as a couch potato. The measurement is the same for all of us. In peace and at war a minute is a minute filled with sixty seconds.

I was sharing recently with a friend that I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. With exasperation she reminded me that I had. You see I've been that girl who wasn't afraid to change her life on a dime. Just move in a brand new direction without notice. Funny thing is that one of my favourite expressions is '...subject to change without notice.'

Well, that has been my life and the moment I heard that I had cancer it was devastaing but in the same moment it was like a rock skipping across the top of a still pond. Just another ripple in the life of ME. This ripple has subsided but now its all brewing beneath the surface.

Watching the show tonight Christina asked her husband Adam to allow her to be scared. Even though I was scared I was on my own. Yes, I had support but no one close enough so I could let my brave self just stand still so the terrrified little girl could be seen. I never really let anyone at all know how scared I was or still am. You see even today every time I feel anything in my body, any unusual aches, pains, or pinches my first thought goes to the 'C' word. Oh, no! Not again. I'm not really afraid of having cancer. I'm not really afraid of being sick but I am afraid, actually terrified of time being taken away from me... once again.

Tonight my unbelieveably beautiful friend Lena put this on her FaceBook and I thought it was one of those meant to be moments that said I had to share with this with you.

'This is your life.
Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don’t like something, change it.
If you don’t like your job, quit.
If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.'

This is your life!! This is MY life! There is so much that I want to do. There are so many people I want to help. I wish so much that I was wealthy and I could just help was much as I want to. I wouldn't be one of those people who buy $1500 handbags. I'd be paying someone's rent. I don't think I'd even live in a big fancy house but if I did every bedroom would be filled with someone who needs a cozy bed. So, so much to see and do. Like when am I going to write that book I've been planning to write since I was 6 years old? And when will I contact those three internationally acclaimed authors who I met one fateful summer on a European adventure and ask one of them to mentor me to get my words in print? Or at the very least of our my head? One day I keep saying... one day....

I lost a year and a half of my life because of cancer and I'm trying so hard to catch up but that damn clock just keeps ticking. I admit that I do waste time. Yes, I'm the girl who PVR's The Young and the Restless every day but hey, now I don't have to watch the commercials! I love the brilliance and farce Robot Chicken and the competition of reality shows like Amazing Race and Survivor. (all are now PVR'ed so no commericals. I love technology!) The rest of my days are hectic without alot of day dreaming and cloud watching so a little down time watching mindless entertainment is actually relaxing.

I just had a thought. One of my favourite counsellors (yes, its true I've had therapy and more than once!). His name was Jim. I met him in Dawson Creek back in the early '90's. What on earth was I doing in Dawson Creek you are wondering. Well, it was one of those adventures and you'll just have to wait for the book. Jim was a weathered biker who smoked Export A cigarettes during our sessions. One day he told me I need to learn how to do two things that would save me. One was I needed to learn how to spit of which he had me practice in his metal office garbage can. I guess he thought was a little uptight, which I was at the time as I had just moved from Toronto after all. And I need to stop and smell the roses. We have all heard this expression but have we ever done it for fear that if we slow down even for a second to indulge in the fragance of a rose we will miss something else. 

I do stop and smell the roses, especially the beautiful wild roses that are here in Alberta representing the province and every time I think of Jim. He was the best and I wish I knew where he was today because I sure could use a session with him. 

So, back to time. Time's awasting... on a LuluLemon bag there are the words 'Do something everday that scares you.' I know what I'm going to do tomorrow that will be one more thing off my incredibly long bucket list and yes, I'm a whole lot scared (I'll share after I've done it). Scared or not I'm going to go for it because what could be more scary than time running out and ending up with more regret.

Thanks for continiuing to read my blog and for those of you have have been encouraging me to write more frequently. I really appreciate all of you!!!

By the way my favourite time is 11:11.

Special Birthday Gift

It was my birthday yesterday and although I don't really look forward to birthdays this one has some meaning for me as I am now the age my mother was when she died. This of course has given me reason for some introspection of my life and path. Questions have come to mind like 'Have I followed my dreams?', 'What is to come?', 'What do I still need to let go of?' and the biggest question 'Have I accomplished anything important?' This I wonder often. Yesterday morning before I was even out of bed I grabbed my iPad and found a Facebook message from a sweet Kundalini Yoga friend and I have to share it with you. She wrote:


Dear Laara,
I have been thinking of you for days in anticipation of your B'day! I have issues with remembering peoples' b'days, anniversaries, etc (just forgot my Step-Mum's B'day last week for example!) BUT I will never forget yours because you are an extremely amazing and special Soul. A huge part of who I am today is because of you so I will never forget you. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you.
Just when I was starting out in the Kundalini world you were there to support and guide me 100%. I had always had desires and dreams to live from my heart fearlessly but I was always too locked up and afraid to do so - it was your example, your love and tenderness, your support that helped me. I went on to teach, to love, to share, to not give up dreams (and go back to school) and to follow my heart. Basically every Woman and Mother I serve and every baby I help deliver has been made possible because of your friendship and influence. You've made a pretty widespread mark in this world lady!!!
I hope this day brings you peace, health, joy, bliss and some goofy fun that includes lots of pleasure!!!
Much love to you today my Dear friend,
Happy Birthday - that long time sun will ALWAYS shine upon YOU!

This touched my heart so much and I'm so grateful to be reminded. Thank you my friend!! Thank you so much for the best birthday present I've ever received!! And may the Long Time Sun always shine upon YOU!!!

Thyroid Update:  About 6 weeks ago I saw my Endocrinologist/Oncologist at the famous Cross Cancer Institute here in Edmonton, Alberta. Once again I pleaded with him to either increase my Synthroid or add a T3 medication called Cytomel. He refused and said that my being tired has absolutely nothing to do with my thyroid and my blood levels all show that I'm normal. What the heck is normal about not being able to get out of bed in the morning? Or only being able to accomplish a couple tasks a daily before crashing on to the couch for the rest of the day? There is nothing normal about constantly feeling winded and foggy!! I was furious and stewed about it for a few days and before going to a local walk in clinic. I explained my story to the doctor and what I wanted to do. Without hesitation he said, 'I don't see why you shouldn't at least try it.' God Bless this man!!!

So, its been four weeks since I've added Cytomel to my daily dose of Synthroid. After the third day I felt completely different! I'm so grateful to have the brain fog lifted and my energy levels increased! I'm hoping this 'feel good' trend continues.

I can't stress enough to be your own advocate! If you don't like the answers, keep asking the question!!

Bless all of you!!
 

One Year Anniversary

Today is one year since I had my Thyroid removed due to Thyroid Cancer and one day since we lost an amazing man who changed many of our lives, Steve Jobs.

I remember the day I bought my iPod and was amazed that I could get all my music into one little gadget. Then came the day I bought my macBook which was a massive investment for me at the time. I could have easily bought another PC laptop for a fraction of the cost but the love affair I've been having with my macBook for the past few years has been priceless. This year I made the jump to an iPhone which is a brilliant piece of technology. It does more than I'm even aware of! Sometime this year an iPad will move into my home and heart. Thank you so much for sharing your creative genius Mr. Jobs! What an amazing gift you brought to us in your short life. May you rest in peace.

The word Cancer immediately brings to mind the word Death. The same as the word Birth brings to mind the word Life. Cancer is frightening no matter what kind or what the prognosis is. Somehow hearing that you have cancer is life altering. This past year there has been incredible changes for me. I no longer work like a dog, I work parttime and do what I love. I am a Kundalini Yoga teacher which allows me the gift of guiding people to reconnect to their soul and I'm a Massage Therapist of which I'm honoured to use my hands to envoke healing. I teach Healthy Breast which allows me to pass on Kundalini Yoga technology and naturopathic knowledge for Breast Cancer prevention and recovery. Its all so fulfilling! I also fell in love this past year. He has been my rock. I don't know what he saw in me while I couldn't get out my pjamas for months but he looked beyond and today we have a good life with lots of love and laughter.

I came across this quote from a speech Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University in 2005 and it seems very fitting for how I'm feeling about life today.

'No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.'

I recall a year ago as I was being anesthetized for the surgery I truly did not expect to wake up. I did wake up and since then the small things that would have bothered me in the past just don't anymore. Right now I have clothes strewen all over my bedroom floor, there is a fine line on the floor of my office between the papers that need to be filed and the ones that need to be tossed, there isn't a space left on my kitchen counter only because I just didn't feel like doing the dishes last night. But you know what? Who cares!! That stuff is secondary! It will all get picked up, sorted and tidied in time. There are other areas of life that needed to be lived today and writing this was one part of it!!

Thank you everyone worldwide for reading my blog over the past year. In one year my little blog has had close to 10,000 hits! That is amazing and so are all of you!! Stay strong and be happy, healthy and holy!! xo

PS ~ To my teacher Siri Singh Sahib Yogi Bhajan. I love you and I miss you with all my heart. Sat Siri Akal! We will meet again.....

Busy-ness

Can't believe how long its been since I last wrote. My addiction to Busy-ness has once again taken over my life and I want it to stop! So much has happened! I went to Vancouver in June for a visit and saw my friends and family. Loved being home but was hoping for some beach weather. I was home only a week when I found out we had to move (long story) so I scrambled and prayed and found a wonderful home. I have officially moved in with my guy! Its alot for a girl like me to take in. I've practiced fierce independence for most of my adult life and am having to surrender to interdependence daily. Its all good and I'm happy to be where I am.

Now for some order and all the boxes to be unpacked and everything placed in its spot. I'll write more soon but for now I really must organize my office/writing space. In this house I also have a healing room! A space for meditation, yoga and prayer. More soon!! xoxo

Getting Up The Steep Bits

It's Friday, June 3rd and I'm still lying in bed. This past few weeks/months have been so busy and just plain hectic its nice to have nothing on my schedule for today. (I'm sure by the end of my writing this blog I'll have filled my day with chores and errands.... drop off that invoice, stop in at Chapters, go swimming, pick up light for the Kobo, pick up the clothes on the floor, pack away winter clothes, work on exam... yes the exam that has dust on it from not being looked at for the past two months, begin packing for trip to the coast next week, groceries, bake muffins (healthy zero fat!), clean junk out of car... and on and on it rolls!)

Yesterday looked like today when I woke up so I decided to venture out on a long walk. Rather than driving I decided to walk to all my destinations and enjoy the warm June sunshine, the lilacs and apple blossoms. My sweet walk started off just fine but about 10 minutes into the walk I was traumatized. The street I was walking on is a 4 lane street with a meridian of grass in between the different traffic directions. There was a mother duck and her 7 or 8 little furry ducklings. The mother was able to hop up on the meridian but the little ones couldn't. No matter how hard they tried to jump up they couldn't get up. Of course the traffic was flying by so myself and another woman blocked the lane of traffic while we tried to get the ducklings up the meridian. One made it up and stuck to the mom who wandered over the meridian and continued across the road leaving the rest of her babies stuck on the other side. They were frantic, chirping and running about. They were in absolute panic that their mom wasn't with them.

(This is Google image but the ducks looked just like this.)

With the traffic stopped on both sides of the road and more people trying to help we did our best but unfortunately some didn't make it. Right in front of me as I reached out to save it one little duckling fell through the street drain grate. It just fell right through the slates as I reached out and couldn't catch him. I'm so, so sorry little duck. Then another did manage to make it up and over the meridian but even though it was obvious something was happening on the road with all the people out of their cars and traffic stopped there was one vehicle that didn't slow down and took the life of another little duck. We managed to get the rest to their mom but not all of them.

After all the people got back into their cars and on their bicycles and I was alone on the street I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't stop crying. Was it for the ducks or was it because so much emotion has been building over the past few weeks that losing the duck through the drain was the instigator to bring the emotion forward. I think yes to both. I was heartbroken to not be able to save all the ducks but life has been so busy that I haven't given myself time to process very much at all.

Usually when I walk I'm listening to something either music or audiobooks but yesterday I walked in silence. I realized after my meltdown over the ducks that I'm craving quiet and order. Lately, I've been very aware of how unorganized I am and I'm a girl who prefers straight lines with everything in its place. I'm not living that at all and I know it sounds frivolous and girly but my indicator of this massive unorganization hit me last weekend when I realized I'd misplaced three tubes of lipgloss. Then I couldn't find my health care card and then I was snapping at everyone one I came in contact with.

Today in my quiet and unplanned day I'm going to slowly ease my belongings into their proper place so I will know where they are up on retrieval. I'll probably also accomplish the list I wrote above as well. It's a rare rainy day today so I give myself permission to move slowly and mindfully.

Have a fabulous day and in honour of the little ducklings that had a difficult time getting up the steep part of the curb yesterday let's reach out to someone we know is having a hard time getting up the steep part in their life right now. All we ever need is a hand to bump us up and onward. 

Here is Alison's muffin recipe I'm making today!

2 cups All Bran
3/4 cup plain fat yogurt
2/3 cup dry milk powder
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
3 eggs
1 cup crushed pineapple or 2 small mashed bananas or 1/3 cup o.j. concentrate or 1 cup applesauce
3 pkgs sweetner (although I would use Agave instead of something chemical or Stevia or nothing if you use vanilla yogurt)

Mix all ingreds together well. Bake in muffin tins with paper liners (you can also use a non-stick spray rather than paper liners) at 350 for 20 -25mins.


 PS ~ To date my little blog has reached over 35 countries. Thank you for reading and spreading my words around the globe! Feel free to email me at laaradelain@yahoo.ca  I'd love to hear from you!

Music..... My new favourite song!!

Today as I realize I am taking steps to a deeper level of partnership this has become my new favourite theme song. For many years it was U2 ~ I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. Can you see the irony? (smile)

Check out:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/POV-Canada-Celebrating-Change/137531806302566?ref=ts

POV aka Psychology of Vision. Daily I'm posting lessons from Dr. Chuck Spezzano's book '50 Ways to Change Your Mind, Change The World'.

Chuck will be facilitating a 5-day workshop in Vancouver from June 11-15th. Don't miss this opportunity to sit in room with one of the world's greatest and most masterful teachers and visionaries. I'm so grateful for all he has taught me and how the model of Psychology of Vision continues to move my life forward!

***If you are from a country other than Canada I would love to hear from you! Please leave a comment or email me at laaradelain@yahoo.ca  I"m really curious who in Russia is reading my blog!

PS ~ The ultrasound was inconclusive.... two more weeks to the specialist appointment.

Question....

Should one be concerned when the ultrasound tech encourages you to get an advocate from Cross Cancer to speak on your behalf? What did she see that I won't hear about for another couple days? Deep breath and pray.....

Be Positive / 12 Promises

I just received a 'Comment' from a reader who said that I was too negative. I do apologize. I'm sorry to any of you who feel I've been too negative. I truly do my best everyday in everyway to be as positive as I can but its very hard when I'm in constant pain. Yes, my throat has been the worst sore throat you have ever experienced for the past... at least 18 months. I have had my cancerous thyroid removed with promise that the pain would go away and weeks after the surgery when I told the doctors that it was still sore I got was put on a waiting list to see an Otolaryngologist. I have 4 more weeks to wait for that appointment and on goes my love / hate relationship with the Canadian medical system.

So, today for that one reader who says she/he who says they won't be reading my blog anymore I'll be positive! It's a sunny day with light, high clouds and its about 15celcius. I had my teeth cleaned this morning at the most amazing holistic dentist's office and then had a fight with Amazon.com about a lost order and an incorrect tracking number. This afternoon I'll go to the Walk-In clinic and beg for some sort of pain relief which is something I've been trying so hard to put off but just can't any longer. My ever so kind (insert sarcasm) Endocrinologist/Oncologist told me to go to Emerg as there is nothing he can do even though I've been complaining to him for 6 months.

Oh, yes... positive... I have a new iPhone! I like it! I also have a new Kobo reader and I like that very much too and I'm starting my Sahej Paath today. That is my most positive thing of all! What is a Sahej Paath? It is a complete reading of the Siri Guru Granth Sahib which is in simple terms the Sikh holy book. I can hear many of you now... SIKH? WHAT? Well, Kundalini Yoga, which is the type of yoga I teach and Sikhism share many of the same technologies so they are closely linked. First off the Master of Kundalini Yoga, Yogi Bhajan was the Western Sikh leader, both share the technology of Naad which is sound current and mantra and both share many of the same lifestyles such as vegetarianism.

I've been wanting to do a Sahej Paath for a long time but now more than ever. When this meditation is done the reading is aloud. I don't know how to read Gurumukhi which is the ancient language the Guru is written in so I will read it in English. Each day I will set aside a slot of time to read and one day page by page I will make my way through all 1400 or so pages. Many people will take this on as a personal meditation. Usually its done to mark an occasion such as an upcoming birth or wedding. Sometimes people like me will do it for healing or for clearing.

I wouldn't consider myself a religious person but definitely a spiritual person. I was raised Catholic and was even an alter girl at one time, if you can imagine that! My mother made me do it! I haven't been to Catholic Mass in years. I guess the last time was in 2004 in Spain but then I was in a Catholic church last Friday for a funeral. That is the extent of my Catholic upbrining.

I enjoy reading the Guru because although the word God is there many, many times I don't have an issue with God and prayer. I believe in a power greater than myself and have since I was a small child. The writings of the Guru are from the 10 Guru's starting with Guru Nanak who's first words when he emerged from the river were 'Ik Ong Kar - There is One God'. I love that our world has many religions but I truly believe that all paths lead to the top of the mountain. That place of peace. Find the one that works for you and follow it whether it be via a church or religion or whether it is like some of my friends and their church is getting on their Harleys on a warm sunny day! Or like others who love to go for long runs regardless of the weather or those who enjoy nature and gardening and see God or their Higher Power in the trees and flowers. There is always God (Good Orderly Direction) surrounding us at all times whether we always feel it or not and that feeling comes from deep within us, from the light of our soul.

Although I have been negative on my journey with cancer I have also taken time each and every day to tap into my resource of gratitude, believe it or not. I have gratitude for the amazing home I live in and the beautiful family I live with whom I feel like I've known forever. I'm grateful for the foods I eat and that I live in Canada and all the freedom and peace we have living here. I'm grateful for my new gadgets that make my life easier. I'm grateful for my friends/family and to all of them who hold me up when I just can't do it myself. I'm grateful to JMcC who has stood by me each day and knows before I do when I need to rest and takes such good care of me. I'm grateful for all the spiritual knowledge that I've been taught over my lifetime whether from teachers or from my innate knowing that without it I would be bankrupt and broken, spiritually, emotionally, physically. 

I spent some years around the 12 Steps and one of my favourite parts of the 'Big Book' is the 12 Promises. These words have carried my spirit in dark times over the many years and they always bring to me a place of humble gratitude and strength to pick myself up no matter how low the day may be.

The 12 Promises  
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .

1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
3. We will comprehend the word serenity.
4. We will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.   

Have a happy weekend and a Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's. I sure miss mine....

PS ~ RIP Josef Krall. Thank you for the gift of the moments I shared with you. And thank you for your family. May you rest in peace. 

 

Thyroid and Body Weight

We've all heard it or we've said it, 'That person's weight problem is a glandular problem.' Or its said that, 'It's a thyroid problem.'

Well, in my case its the latter. I haven't ballooned to a massive 300lbs as predicted by the woman I shared a hospital room with but I have gained a few pounds since having my thyroid removed. I'm still able to fit the majority of my clothes but its my favourite Guess jeans I just can't get to agree with the extra inch or so around my hips. There is a Harley Davidson I'm wanting to be on next weekend and I have an outfit in mind to start off the riding season and my Guess jeans are part of it along with my 18 year old beat up leather jacket and of course my precious Harley helmet that is absolutely perfect!

I know I look okay considering. I'm up and out of bed each day now which amazes me after being stuck, physically stuck in bed for so many months on end. I'm happy to get up, stand up and stay up! However, now that I'm up I want my body back!

Weightloss is a ka-billion dollar industry. There are supplements by the truck load, volumes written about a vast variety of diets that work by the way! (insert sarcasm). There are exercise equipment gimics that we usually see advertised on late night informercials that of course cost a fortune. There are also many books, dvd's, TV shows all promoting the perfect fitness class. What to do? What to do? What not to do? What does everyone think I should do? What do I think I should do? What is the best thing to do? Who knows!!

Right now I walk on the treadmill and have been increasing to walking/running intervals (walking way more than running but its a start). I go swimming about once a week for variety. I'd like to go more but the chlorine is hard on me. I've just started using weights and I stretch and do go to the occasional yoga class but there aren't too many Kundalini Yoga classes. My soul is really homesick for a good Kundalini Yoga class!! There are Yin Yoga, Moksha Yoga, Hatha Yoga and others but I'm a Kundalini girl. No changing that!

I like the gym I go to as its very relaxed and comfortable for someone like me who isn't one of those fake tanned hardbodies who have a full face of caked on make-up when working out. I look just as I should, like a 40+ woman who just crawled out of bed and threw on some sweats, pulled her bedhead hair into a ponytail and showed up at the gym. I've been to gyms before where I feel so intimidated that I don't go back but this one here in Sherwood Forest I like. (It's Sherwood Park but I like the visual Sherwood Forest conjures up.)

I've also been very diligent with my diet. Sugar and carbs are my enemies but they like to convince me they are my best friends late at night or when I'm feeling tired. Trying to eat enough vegetables takes work. It's hard to eat steamed broccoli on the run! Hmmm... maybe the idea is to slow down. Now there's a thought!

According to Dr. Sat Dharam, ND, author of The Natural Medicine Guide to Breast Cancer and The Natural Medicine Guide to Women's Health she says to eat 50-80% raw veggies and definitely vegetables from the Brassica family which are cabbage, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, kohlrabi, turnip, rutabaga, garden sorrel, radish, watercress and collards. I like almost all vegetables but getting them in me raw is a challenge especially living in the north. I could eat them all the time if I lived in a daily climate of 30c but here where we are struggling to reach +10c at the end of April is hard. I want my comfort foods! I have adapted though like rather than mashed potatoes I now steam cauliflower and mash it. It has totally become my guilt free mashed potatoes and its so good!

Dr. Sat Dharam has a great website www.mammalive.net and there are healthy tips and recipes there. I just had a thought that I'll start posting regular dietary tips here on my blog. I have many! So, today to start its Mashed Cauliflower. Simple, steam a cauliflower, mash it, add fresh ground pepper and a dash of salt - Himalayan salt is the best and serve.

Did you know that Himalayan salt is contains all of the 84 elements found in your body, the benefits of natural Himalayan salt include:

• Regulates the water content throughout your body.
• Promotes a healthy pH balance in your cells, particularly your brain cells.
• Promotes blood sugar health and helping to reduce the signs of aging.
• Assists in the generation of hydroelectric energy in cells in your body.
• Assists in the absorption of food particles through your intestinal tract.
• Supports respiratory health.
• Promotes sinus health.
• Prevents muscle cramps.
• Promotes bone strength.
• Regulates your sleep -- it naturally promotes sleep.
• Supportes your libido.
• Promotes vascular health.
• In conjunction with water it is actually essential for the regulation of your blood pressure.

That's quite a bit in a dash!!

So, far I've lost half of what I gained. I think part of that is due to the increase in the dosage of Synthroid but the rest is my hard work. I have found that my weightloss has alot to do with my iron levels as well. As soon as the iron levels drop my body goes into a stubborn stance and will not release an ounce of weight. I'm doing my best to take as much iron as I can but its a tough one because if you know anything about iron supplements you know they are extremely constipating. Taking the iron, I like Hemoplex the best with lots of Vitamin C to help the iron absorption seems to work best.

So, I'm committed to not only losing the weight but gaining more health as well. No point in being a skinny, sick chick!

Happy Easter everyone and remember moderation on the chocolate eggs and bunnies!! (I love Cadbury Cream Eggs and those little Mini Eggs! And of course those little chocolate eggs that are wrapped in coloured foil!)


PS ~ Happy Birthday to Siri Ved Singh Khalsa ~ may God, Guru and the Goddess bless you with ease and effortlessness and all the assistance and sevadars you require to live comfortable and princely as you deserve! Sat Nam!~~

We Are All The Same...

 I watched this video this morning and it has left me inspired to step even further outside the box. Have a fabulous April 11, 2011. And remember we are all the same, we are all ONE!

Bag of Cookies

This brought tears to my eyes maybe it will stir some emotion in you as well.

Maybe it wasn't a bag of cookies, maybe it was something larger or smaller but can you remember feeling just like this woman at some point in your life? I know I have and shame is what I too felt once I realized what I had done. Share. Share. Share. The word of the day is SHARE!!~~

Who Are You?

Thank you all for your support in reading my blog. If you would like to get notice when a new blog entry has been made just look to your right and enter your email address and you will get notice in your email. Don't worry you won't be flooded with junk emails, just a note saying that I've wrote something new. Thank you again to all of you all over the globe for your support!!!

I haven't felt like writing for the past few weeks. Winter here in the north has just gone on for too long and I wasn't really feeling depressed but more uninspired about most everything. The weather is warming but only to a great high of 8 celcius today. For me the sunny sky and 8 degrees was enough to get me out for a long walk this evening. I had wanted to go swimming but I decided it would be better to take advantage of the reprieve from the cold and get outside. I've definitely had a case of cabin fever this past month so a long walk was exactly what I needed today!

Walking this evening I chose to bring Eckhart Tolle along with me. Sometimes I listen to music when I'm walking outside or on the treadmill but most of the time I prefer to listen to books either fiction or non-fiction I find it gives my busy mind something to attach to and keeps helps me relax as I walk. As I was walking and listening my mind did wander and went back to an inspiring marathon phone conversation I had today with my friend Patti. My friendship with Patti spans 29 years! There isn't much we don't know about each other and there isn't much we don't share.

Today we moaned over a few grievances we are experiencing. Some might call it bitch and moan but today we only moaned. Then we moved on to discussing our aging parents and the challenges and emotions surrounding this. We spent a few minutes discussing boys because girls at any age must discuss boys its just a fact and something we all do whether we admit it or not but then our conversation turned to something of great sustenance for us both. When there is enough skimming off the top of the overflowing pot of daily crap that gets built up over time and just needs to be talked about and cleared then and only then can you get to the good stuff, the sweet, meaty, juiciness of true heartfelt conversation.

Our conversation turned in this direction when Patti asked me, 'If the Creator (God, Goddess, Universal Energy, whatever you are comfortable calling it) showed up right now and asked you, 'Who are you?' What would you say?'

Immediately the westernized North American in me when asked that question of 'who are you', 'what do you do' wanted to respond with my job title. I'm a Massage Therapist, I'm a Teacher, I'm .... I'm.... my mind then began to race like ants on an anthill, scurrying in a thousand different directions 'What am I? Panic... panic... what am I?

I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm a girlfriend. I'm a Survivor of Suicide (meaning a close relative died by suicide). I'm a Cancer Survivor.

My human Self neutrally stated, 'I am Human.' Very simply stated. I am, I am!

I could see me climbing onto my soapbox and beating my puffed out chest like a female version of King Kong, 'I am Woman.'

My Goddess Self breezed forward with sweet seductiveness 'I am the Goddess.'

The spiritual holier than thou Self came forward and said I am, 'DevAtma, the Divine Soul.' (DevAtma Kaur is my spiritual name given to me by my spiritual teacher Yogi Bhajan, the Master of Kundalini Yoga 15 years ago last month and it does mean Divine Soul).

I cannot answer what most women my age answer and that is 'I'm a mother' because I am not. I'm sorry but I have to sidebar on this one....

Being a woman in my late 40's means that I won't have children. I've just simply ran out of time. It's probably the most painful, empty place in my heart when I allow myself to go there which isn't often. It isn't that I couldn't have children. It just didn't happen only because I didn't meet a man to have a child with. I never ever wanted to be a single parent and although I am saddened that I don't have children I wouldn't have wanted to do it on my own. I know lots of you have and bravo I know how hard its been for you but it wasn't for me.

There is something that many of you who are mothers are unaware of and that is that there are many of us who are childless who live as invisible women. There is no special holiday for us, no parties where we are celebrated and showered with gifts. When I say that I don't have children especially living here in the land of the nuclear family where almost everyone has children I am looked upon as a foreign object, inhuman and untouchable. I have had people, women turn their back to me when I say I don't have children. The conversation ceases and its as if I've spoken the unspeakable language.

Please don't assume that I don't have children because there is something wrong with me and my body. Please don't assume that I don't have children because I don't like them because I do. Just assume that maybe there was choice involved. I could have gotten pregnant a number of times as I'm not the Virgin Mary but I chose, using my God given intelligence to make different choices than you.

I want all women to know that women of my age are expected to go through the emotions of empty nest but we who are childless carry a gentle ache of emptiness in our pelvis daily where new life was expected to form and be born. Please don't ask for much sympathy of the grief you may feel as your kids go off to college especially if you were unfeeling towards any women who do not have children because of choice or no choice. The pain we feel is deep and real and society has deemed us invisible.

I met a wonderful group of women here in Edmonton called Babes Without Babes and maybe I'll randomly pick a day on the calendar and name it Babes Without Babes Day and all you mothers, fathers, husbands, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and friends will be expected to bring us flowers and celebrate us because we too do a lot and contribute a lot. Afterall, just because we don't have children does not make us less, we are still feminine and we are still pure, whole and so grateful to be women!

Thank you for letting me rant, now let's go back. If the Creator was to show up today and ask, 'Who are you?' What would I say? I think I would open my arms wide, let my heart expand and with a huge smile on my face I would say,  'I AM LIFE! I AM LOVE!'

If the Creator came to you and asked, 'Who are you?' what would you say? Let me know via this blog or email me at laaradelain@yahoo.ca. I'll post your answers so we can all be inspired.

PS ~ Patti, thank you for your friendship and for our conversation today. I hope I was able to offer as much to you as you gave to me. Bless you!! I really needed this today!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday! The sun is shining and I'm listening to Hari Bhajan's 'We Are God' ~ 'life is so beautiful, its such a gift, we are one'. I had so many FaceBook birthday wishes when woke up this morning! I truly feel very loved today. Thank you to all of you! I have three beautiful women friends who share my birthday with me, Leanne, Robin and Tracey. Happy Birthday to all of you, too!

There is also Brian Little who I share my birthday with. Brian was two years younger than me and his brother Warren one year younger. I met Warren when I was one and a half years old. I can clearly remember our moms holding us up introducing us. Warren was my very first friend and then came Brian. We were the three musketeers and we were neighbours until I was in my 20's after my mom died and my Dad sold the house. The three of us did everything together as kids. I was quite the tomboy, no barbies for this chick! I just couldn't understand why you would want to sit around dressing and undressing plastic dolls when you could be tearing through the neighbourhood on your bike, climbing trees or building the world's greatest treefort! Warren, Brian and I did just that, we had the world's greatest treefort.

I'm sad that we don't have a picture of it but we made the whole thing ourselves out of scrap pieces of wood, nails and rope. It was off the ground and two stories. You had to use the rope to climb into it. Looking back I can't believe our parents let us sleep in there! I'm sure it was completely unsafe but for us it was a place of security. Other neighbourhood kids were jealous of our fort as they were always raiding it and us defending it. Like the day my nose was broken because Marty M. threw a dirt bomb at me and it had a rock in the center. Needless to say it hit me square in the nose! Yes, I was a tomboy. I don't recall how old I was but one birthday all I wanted was a green shirt so I could be camouflaged in the woods. I also wanted fried chicken, cream corn and mashed potatoes for dinner, definitely a favourite meal but then my Mom did make the best fried chicken ever!

Warren, Brian and I had siblings too. Me, two sisters, Julie and Marie. They had the twins, Keith and Karen. All seven of us grew up as one big family with four parents who all disciplined us when necessary. One Easter all seven of us thought it would be a good idea to throw rocks across the highway until one innocent driver ended up with a broken windshield. It was not a pleasant outcome for us kids.

I have so many memories of Warren and Brian. The one that stands out the most for all of us kids is when the three of us were playing on the Skidder. We had a Skidder because we lived out of town and our Dad's used it to plow the driveways and road of snow in the winter. It was a warm summer day and we were playing on it and one of us started it. We didn't mean to but it happened and it scared us so much because we had no idea how to turn it off. We had to call your Dad's at work. We thought for sure that we were in a heap of trouble but what ended up happening was a big barbecue and lots of people. It was a good day after all!

Both Warren and Brian were born with heart defects. Brian passed away in November 1995 at 29 after a hockey game and Warren in March 2003 at 38. I miss them both so much. Especially on my birthday as Brian and I always shared that special bond. It's lonely being the one musketeer but I'm still close to Keith and Karen and I hope to see them this summer as its been too long to be away from family.

Warren's birthday was February 23 which is also the day his father, Doug Little passed away in 1993 while having heart surgery. I miss them all so much. The Little's all played a huge part of my childhood as I said we were like one large family.

So, today is my birthday and I'm spending it writing my blog, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen and then being put to sleep to have a camera put in my throat. I can't go out for dinner or eat cake anyway as I'm on a very strict diet/cleanse. I'm waiting till mid-April to celebrate! Last year at this time I was completing my Registered Massage Therapy course and so excited about the future and my career and today I'm just hoping I wake up. It's so amazing where a year can take us!

My birthday wish today is that we all stop complaining. I'm very guilty of it too! Stop complaining about the potholes in the roads, a slow line up at the grocery store, if its raining or sunny. Stop complaining because you have ate too much or if there is too much clutter in your house. Stop complaining if someone may have hurt you or isn't paying enough attention to you. Go to them and give them your heart. Stop complaining if gas prices are going up. Stop complaining about all the petty things you complain about everyday. Everyone stop complaining and if you feel the need to do so, do it while watching a news report on Japan and see if that ceases your complaining. I can't fathom what they are going through. It's absolutely heartbreaking. God Bless.

On this day the Lord gave you life, may you use it to serve Him, all of my loving prayers will be with you, may you never forget Him, May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on!

Feeling Homesick....

I had a very uneventful weekend and am happy to report this Monday morning that my energy is still climbing! I'm so happy to feel vibrant again!

I'm so happy we turned our clocks ahead on early Sunday morning. The dark days of winter take their toll on me and the longer days just make everyone that little bit brighter. Maybe spring is on the way!

On Saturday night I watched Sex in the City - the movie and found myself very homesick for my WestCoast girls and Vancouver itself. One day soon I'll be back, hopefully before another long Edmonton winter sets in.

Sunday morning I got a call from my Dad telling me that he lost two of his very good friends last week. One to lung cancer and one had a massive stroke. I knew them both as well and it was shocking to hear. I feel for my Dad today and the grief he is experiencing. Friends are valuable to our well being and I know he is going to miss them both very much.

One of the men who passed was Jim. My parents were friends with Jim and his wife Diane long before I was born so they were always in my life growing up. I watched all four of their children come home from the hospital after being born, Howard, Holly, Hunter and Hillary. Jim was an avid outdoorsman and worked in the logging industry. In 2001 only weeks before I left for Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago the first time, Jim was in a car accident. He was thrown quite a distance from his vehicle. At Christmas this year my Dad told me the story of Jim's experience while waiting for the paramedics. I don't want to go into his personal detail but Jim had a very profound spiritual experience. This is a man who stood well over 6 feet and had a booming voice that echoed with passion for everything he did. I can hear his laughter mixed with my Dad's. They always had a good time together. He was not someone you would think would have an experience with the angels but he did. That accident left Jim paralyzed from the waist down but my Dad said that it was the spiritual experience that Jim believes spared his life. Some might have thought that an outcome like that would have dampened his spirits but not a chance. He just carried on with life with the same vigor but this time from his wheelchair.

I went to visit him in the hospital with my Dad after his accident. Here was Jim lying in his hospital bed unable to take another step and I was about to embark on a journey where my steps were going to take me across all 500 miles that make up the Camino de Santiago. I remember him taking my hand and saying, 'Walk for me' and I did. I walked those 500 miles thinking of him, thinking of my best friend Jodi who was a quadripeligic (she died in 1989) and thinking of countless others who don't have the freedom of taking a step forward but lead with their spirits and hearts. There was a time in my life that I was unable to walk and its a liberty we often take for granted.

I have some steps I have to take in my life right now that seem impossible but must be made. Abraham H. Maslow once said 'You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.' Safety seems very comfortable which is why I'm mustering up the courage to be uncomfortable. I know many of you have witnessed me making life altering decisions and actions on the spur of the moment but this time for some reason I'm feeling more cautious than usual. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I went to see the Gastroenterologist this morning. She booked me for a test where they stick a camera down my throat and into my stomach, Gastroscopy procedure. All of this is to determine why I still have a sore throat. The appointment was scheduled for mid-May but as I was driving out of the parking lot she called and I'm going in tomorrow afternoon. What a glorious, glamorous way to spend my birthday! I don't think this is going to show anything at all but might as well rule out all possibilities.

Today I send my prayers out to my Dad, his friend Bill and his family and Diane, Jim's wife and their children and families. May you all find peace during this difficult time.

PS ~ I also want to include Kevin, a new friend who's father also passed away from a stroke last week. Peace to you.

Yay!!

Yay! Yay! Yay!! I'm so happy that my appointment with the Gastroenterologist that was scheduled May 2 has been moved to Monday!!

I have had a sore throat for over a year now. It feels like I'm swallowing razor blades all the time. Imagine your worst sore throat every day. I've learned to ignore it the best I can but some days it wears me down. I went to the doctor last June because of this and they found cancer in my thyroid. After the surgery the docs assured me that the sore throat would go away but by December I found a new GP (general practitioner-doctor) who like the first one I saw wanted to give me drugs. I said 'NO!' I want to know what this is.

So, in January I did a baruim swallow test which was just as horrible as you have heard and low and behold there is something pressing on my larynx. I don't think its cancerous but I do think its something that needs to be addressed. I must add that I'm seeing a Gastroenterologist only because its absolutely impossible to see an Ear Nose Throat (ENT) here in Edmonton. I can't even get an appointment even though I've had two doctors try to get an appointment, I've had a sore throat for over a year and just by absolute chance they found cancer removed my thyroid and I still couldn't get an appointment...... aaaaahhhhh!! (Sorry, just a wee bit frustrating!)

I don't know what the shift has been but I feel so much better than I did a couple weeks ago. Its a crazy feeling to suddenly be able to do more than one thing a day!! It's late and I'm writing while watching Robot Chicken - seriously funny! Time to go to sleep.

Sweet dreams everyone and please continue all your prayers and blessing for the people of Japan. I've been terribly worried about my Japanese Psychology of Vision friends. How horrible to watch the devastation. We who are all warm and cozy in our beds tonight have so much to be grateful for. I know I do!!!

International Women's Day!

'I need to enjoy all the gifts that God gave me today. Grace cannot be saved and put away for later.
There is no bank where you can deposit favors you’ve received, to use them according to our will.
If I do not enjoy these blessings now, I will lose them forever.
God knows that we are artists of life.
One day he will give us a chisel for sculpture, the other day brushes and canvas.
Another day he will give us a pen to write. But we will never use a chisel on canvas, sculptures or feathers.
I must accept the blessings of today, to create with what I have; if I do this with detachment and without guilt, tomorrow I shall receive more.'  ~ Paulo Coehlo's blog

May all women around the world today join in being kind to one another. Today we celebrate 100 years of women's achievements. Imagine 100 years of women stepping up to be heard yet last night on the reality television show The Bachelor I think we as women took a step backwards. Women its time to put away criticism, jealousy, competition and just love, appreciate and respect each other. If we as women can join together and hold hands we have the ability to heal the world but first we must heal ourselves and our relationships with other women.

What woman in your life do you need to reach out to today and make amends to? Or what woman in your life do you need to reach out to and assist or listen to or just have a cup of tea with? What woman in your life do you need to extend an action of appreciation?

What about yourself? Maybe today you love YOU and fill up the tub with luscious warm water, maybe some epsom salts or bubbles and slide in and take a deep breath and let all your worries, aches and pains melt away. Hmmmm.... that actually sounds like a good idea, one I'm going to act on right now!

Have a beautiful day celebrating the woman in you and all women in the world who make this world a beautiful, graceful place to be.

Precious Stones and Open Hearts

'A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food.
The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.
But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said. “I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.... Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone.”'
 ~ as posted on Paulo Coehlo's blog

I love this story and I wonder at times if I possess that which enabled her to give away her precious stone. I hope I do. I try to be kind in my thoughts and actions but I know there are times I'm not perfect by any stretch especially over the past 5 months. There are many of you whom I owe a phone call to or a response to an email. I know in my heart of hearts that there are many of you who understand that I just haven't been able to. There are others however who haven't understood.

I had my heart broken by a friend last month who was upset because I hadn't responded to an email within the alloted time (it was less than a week) than she expected me to and then proceeded to delete me from her list of friends on Facebook. When I asked why she let me know that she has 'expectations' of her friends.

Well, how do I respond to that? I didn't. What can I say that I haven't already been saying? Having my thyroid surgically removed due to cancer wiped me out for months and months and unless you have gone through it there is no way you can ever understand the intense lethargy, exhaustion, grief, depression and overwhelming sadness that completely takes over every sense of being.

Expectations! How can someone have any expectation of me when my only expectation of myself was to get out of bed, have a shower and get dressed. There were many, many days when only one of those was accomplished and that was a successful day! Some have asked why would I be friends with someone like that and my response has been because I really care about her and I thought we were friends even though this is probably the 5th time during our friendship that she has decided not to be friends with me anymore.

I don't have expectations on my friends other than to be happy, stay in touch when you can and laugh, giggle, play, hold our shared secrets sacred and love, love, love. What else is there? I guess for some its responding to an email within the unknown alloted proper response time or else the delete button will be pushed.

Life is short and so intense. We are all so pressured to 'BE' something that most of the time we just can't pull off with perfect grace and ease. We bumble along trying to please and most of the time fall flat with egg on our face. Can we not just love and respect each other for who we are and where we are at whatever moment in life?

There is this great line that I love to remind myself of when I feel myself sliding towards disappapointment in someone and that is,  'Every single human being at every moment of the past, if the entire situation is taken into account, has always done the very best he or she could do and so deserves neither blame nor reproach from anyone, including self. This, in particular, is true of you.' ~the beautiful late Harvey Jackins founder and creator of Re-Evaluation Co-Counselling. (http://www.rc.org/ )

Imagine a world where we would give so much of ourselves that we would freely give our most precious stone to a complete stranger without question when they asked for it or if we never again blamed or expressed disapproval to anyone. How open our hearts would be!

This week I'm entering into a very intense cleansing and part of this cleanse is not to just clean out my body but also my mind, my heart and the clutter including friends who have 'expectations' on me. I know I'll never ever live up to them so let's just not even start that way no one will be let down.

God Bless you my friends and may you all find peace with your heart wide open!

Short Blog

This is a short blog. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel better!  So,  to celebrate I am working on my 'project'. This is a project I have been working on for almost 10 years.  Mostly it's been a dream but now it is becoming reality.  My goal was to have it completed by the end of this month but I am pushing my goal gently forward to the end of March.  I thought with all this time off I would have accomplished more that I haven't, so be it.

Tomorrow I am attempting a new activity, Moksha Yoga - www.mokshayogasherwoodpark.com .  I have been teaching and practicing Kundalini Yoga for over 15 years  and now it's time to try something new.  I'll let you know how I make out! I've been walking on the treadmill every day but my body is longing for more stretching and warmth. Spring is around the corner and I want to be strong enough  to ride motorcycle this summer whether I am a passenger or in the driver seat. In vanity I also, want to fit comfortably in the new leather jacket I'm dreaming of.

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog with others around the world!!! xo

PS - Remember to say a prayer for all in the middle east right now, Libya, Bahrain, Egypt and all the others in unrest. Also, for the souls in New Zealand. May the missing be found and may Mother Earth settle so no more souls will be hurt by earthquakes.

IF.....

IF....

If this is not a place where tears are understood,
Where do I go to cry?

If this is not a place where my spirit can take wing,
Where do I go to fly?

If this is not a place where my questions can be asked,
Where do I go to seek?

If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard,
Where do I go to speak?

If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am,
Where can I go to be?

Where can I learn and try and grow?
Where I can just be me?

~ Ken Medema

I Have No Idea Where I am Going

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
__________________________________
in Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

This is me today. I do not know where I am going. Each day just seems to be passing by with only glimpses of colour. I think on some level I may be more sad than what I realize. I'm grateful for my seeking and searching tendancies though because I recently came across a new book by Marianne Williamson who was a saviour to my soul way back in the early '90's with her books 'Return to Love' and 'A Woman's Worth'. Her new book is called 'A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessions for Surrendering Your Weight Forever'. As I've told you weight has been an issue for me since I had my thyroid removed although I am feeling more hopeful that I'll be in my Guess jeans and in my new leather jacket in time for motorcycle season.

In her book Marianne talks about this list of words and I've chosen some of them to express how I feel about having thyroid cancer. This has been a deep process over the past couple days and I'm hoping that as I continue to process this through this medium and with my confidents a shift will take place that will free me and my soul.

Shame - I feel shame for not being strong or healthy enough to fend off this illness in my body.
  
Anger - I feel angry with myself for getting sick and not being able to come back to health immediately. I'm also angry with the lack of support from the medical system and from a few people who I reached out to and asked for their support but haven't heard a word from.  

Self-Sabbatoge - I have self-sabbatoged myself by not pushing myself forward regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm currently self-sabbatoging by not working on my project everyday and pushing myself to complete the last 40%. (I can't disclose what this project is just yet but I will soon.)

Fear - I have fear that I won't ever come back from having my thyroid removed. That my vitality and energy will never return. I have fear of the future. I have fear of the cancer returning. I have fear of what the drug I take everyday does to my body. I have fear that I won't complete the project I've been working on for the past 10 years. I have fear of being ordinary. 

Unforgiveness - Oh yes! I admit I hold unforgiveness in the form of resentment. Today I hold resentment for someone who broke my heart awhile ago. Somedays its not there but today its creeped in again. I hold unforgiveness of broken promises. I hold resentment for all the times I didn't allow myself to be seen and for all the times I shrunk so I could 'fit in'. I have unforgiveness with my body for giving me so much grief for too long. 

Judgement - I have judgement on a woman I reached out to last summer. I called her and asked for her support as at that time I didn't know I had cancer but I knew something was terribly wrong and I was scared and about to enter on a long, difficult path. She said she would support me yet I haven't heard a word from her since. I have judgement on her giving her word yet not acting on it.

Excessive Responsibility - Because I've spent so much of my adult life as a single serving life I feel that I have alot of responsibility to do it all and do it well. Most of the time only some of it gets done half-assed and then the weight of the guilt for not being more enters in and paralyzes me. I feel excessive responsibility to heal myself.

Pressure - I feel a great deal of pressure to look strong and healthy all the time even though most of the time I want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep. I feel the pressure to keep up with other's schedules and activities even though I really can't. I feel the pressure to have an answer about what I plan to do with the rest of my life but I don't know. I really don't know. 

Exhaustion - I feel it constantly.

Burden - I'm burdend by heartbreak. Heartbreak that goes back to childhood all the way up to the last one which was last year that scarred me for life. I'm burdened by this because although I want to give my heart completely I hold back in fear of being hurt again and even though the weight is sometimes too much to carry my fear is greater. If I was to release my burdens I just might float away.  

Stress - hell ya!

Heartbreak - Although most of my heartbreak is about past relationships I also have deep heartbreak for the loss of my thyroid. I have a hollow, tender spot in my throat where it once laid and now its gone, cut into little pieces and incinerated, gone. Like losing a partner once its gone my life won't ever be the same and that breaks my heart. 

Injustice - I feel wronged that I got cancer. I feel its wrong that it happens to anyone. I feel its an injustice that illness exists, that our bodies change, that our schedules change that our dreams have to be altered. Its not fair and its wrong.

Jealousy - I feel jealous of a select few who wonder through the world untouched by anything negative. They are the ones financially comfortable, relationship is glorious, family healthy, etc. I have a 'friend' who unconsciously keeps telling me how wonderful her life is while I'm struggling and when I say I can't participate in something she keeps asking me 'why, what's wrong?' I've been as graceful as I can but I swear the next time she askes me this I'm going to lose it on her. Okay, I'm admitting I'm jealous of her perfect life but does she have to be so mean as to act like she has no idea of what I've been experiencing!

Separation - I feel separate from others because I don't feel like anyone understands what I'm experiencing. 

Dishonesty - I do my very best to be honest at all times in all situation however as the wonderful older woman in the movie 'Titanic' said 'A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets.' I don't have that many and if you wish to ask I'll tell you but is that being dishonest or is it just keeping a secret? Where I am most dishonest is where rather than telling the blinding truth I withhold as not to rock the boat. Gee, and I wonder why my throat chakra is where the cancer attacked. How many words have I swallowed over the years?

Inferiority -  Since getting cancer I do feel inferior. I feel like I'm now part of the Cancer Club but the one that doesn't offer any support. Because I'm not well I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel less than. 

Embarrassment - I'm so embarrassed that to have cancer. To have on some level invited it into my body. I'm embarrassed that I was unable to fight against the blackness that invaded me. I am embarrassed by the scar on my neck that is a neon sign announcing to the world that I'm not whole and I'm sick. I feel embarrassed by the changes that have taken place in my body and my mind. 

Self-Abnegation - I have done this most of my life. How can I make myself really small so I can fit inside the little box that all these people have made for me? I want so bad to break out of this but I'm stuck in it at the moment. Hopefully for only a moment longer because I'm running out of breathing space and my spirit is diminishing from the lack of light.  

I have no idea where I'm going in the big picture but I pray its into the healing of each of these words. I had to go out this morning in the dark at 5am, -24c, blowing snow and way too many potholes on the roads. It was an intersting way to start my day today but for a moment I knew where I was going. 

A to B and B back to A. One kilometre at a time.  

Happy Be-Lated Valentine's Day everyone!!