Putting the Words Together....

I've had an exhausting week. Just very, very tired but I'm forging on and going on an adventure today. I'm slow to start, its 12:20pm Mountain Time. Actually every day out of my pj's and out of the house seems to be an adventure lately!

I have so much to say that I'm hoping that on this short drive I'll be able to collect my jumbled thoughts and form them into something inspiring for all of you.

I'm in good spirits overall but WOW! its shocking how fast the tiredness can slam into me and the sadness can leap forward like an old friend playing a prank and hiding in the dark corner waiting for that right moment to jump into the light and scare the crap out of me! And it does scare me, not the depths of it all but the suddenness of it (is that a word?). I can be going along and feeling good and then WHAM! I need to lie down right away. It's the most bizarre feeling not to be able to push through for even a few minutes.

It's a bleak gray day here, 0C. Perfect for a wee road trip and lots of tunes and audiobooks on my new iTouch - 32G!! xo

If I Had to Live My Life Over Again....

I woke up early this morning after FINALLY sleeping more than a few hours straight and I've already watched the latest episode of Dexter on my computer. Nothing like a little darkside of Dexter to start the week off right! Yesterday I was so completely depleted of energy I could barely get from bed to the bathroom. It was rather depressing. Even though there is the first snow of the year on the ground this morning here in Northern Alberta I'm happy to be awake and feeling more rested.

So, here I am trying to think of what to write and I look at my favourite author Paulo Coelho's blog (authour of The Pilgrimage, The Alchemist, The Valkryies, The Witch of Portobello and more!) and he has this wonderful One Minute Read and I thought I would share it with you.

From Paulo's Blog:

Of course, you can’t unfry an egg, but there is no law against thinking about it.
If I had my life to live over, I would try to make more mistakes.
I would relax. I know of very few things that I would take seriously.
I would go more places. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less bran.
I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary troubles.
You see, I have been one of those fellows who live prudently and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I have had my moments. But if I had it to do over again, I would have more of them – a lot more.
I never go anywhere without a thermometer, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do over, I would travel lighter.
If I had my life to live over, I would pay less attention to people telling us we must learn Latin or History; otherwise we will be disgraced and ruined and flunked and failed.
I would seek out more teachers who inspire relaxation and fun.
If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted a little earlier in the spring and stay that way a little later in the fall.
I would shoot more paper wads at my teachers.
I would keep later hours.
I’d have more sweethearts.
I would go to more circuses.
I would be carefree as long as I could, or at least until I got some care- instead of having my cares in advance.
I doubt, however, that I’ll do much damage with my creed.
The opposition is too strong.
There are too many serious people trying to get everybody else to be too darned serious.

If I, Laara had to live my life over again I would do all of the above and I would take even more risks than what I already have.
I would care less about what people thought and I would spend less money on things and more on adventure.
I would choose a backpack as my home and choose hiking shoes and flip flops over heels (even though I love, love, love my spikey heeled boots especially my Browns!)
I would not be afraid to be alone and I would give myself more permission to lie in the grass and stare at the sky and daydream.
I would have had children (lots of them) and carried them with me all over the world and I would have said all I regret not saying.
If I had to live my life over again I would have paid more attention in school and learned a second language.
I would have never gotten married and I would have given my heart completely. 
I would laugh more and mourn less and I would have hugged my Mom more.
If I had to live my life over again I would never have come home from Spain and I would live part-time in India serving.
I would appreciate all beings even when I'm irritated and I would practice the Art of Joining more frequently.
I would value every moment in meditation and prayer and not look at it as a chore but as a gift of soulful communication with the Divine.
If I had to live my life over I would be HEALTHY, HAPPY AND HOLY!

So, today as I spend the day inside and warm from the cold I am going to do this. As of this moment I swear I'm going to live my life over again and I'm going to begin to shed the layers of oppression that has held me in a shell of bondage for too long.

Today indulge in thinking of the things in your life you wish to change large or small and by the end of day change one thing and remember to smile for today you are alive and have the ability to BE the change you wish to see in the world! Also, share this with those around you and let's see as a collective joined together by thought and dream the happy world we can create!!

All my love!! xo

PS - I'm trying to figure out how to create a RSS Feed for my blog and add a music URL. Anyone with knowledge of how to do this please help this computer geek. Thank you!

What NOT to say to someone with Thyroid Disease/Cancer

What NOT to say to someone with Thyroid Disease...

Get well soon.... thank you for your sentiments but Thyroid Disease which includes Thyroid Cancer is life long especially when you have had yours removed. This means a life sentence of medication and taking this particular medication is a constant balancing act. Remember that the thyroid regulates your metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and hormones. One little pill and its precise mg’s has to balance each of these and its not an easy process. I’ve been on the medication for about 10 days and even though I’m taking a very low dose to introduce it to my body I’m having constant low grade anxiety and by 4pm the leg and arm cramps that are similar to what I would think is what Restless Leg Syndrome feels like starts and lasts all night. This has been my worst nightmare coming true, I’m more sick now than what I was before and there is nothing I can do about it. So, get well soon.... soon could be a very long time.

Come on you can’t be that tired... I know I’ve been tired for years but I’ve always had the strength to push through. Now when I get tired there is a wall and I slam into it like a sliding glass door and I didn’t see the glass. When I get tired now I must stop immediately and there is no pushing through even for a few minutes. So tired.... oh my God you have no idea!

You need to exercise more or go on a diet... yeah, I’ll get right on that!

Your TSH is 1.8 and in range so you are healthy... my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) has been within range for years and look where I am today. TSH is produced by the pituitary gland and tells the thyroid gland to make and release the hormones thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). You also have to have your T4 and T3 tested to have an accurate read. High levels of T3 and T4 could mean Hyperthyroidism (overactive) and low levels could mean Hypothyroidism (underactive).

In Kundalini Yoga the pituitary gland is very important. Let me explain.

There are 84 meridian points on the roof of the mouth which the tongue stimulates as we chant Mantra. Each Mantra is chanted for a different effect whether it be for heart opening, prosperity, mental calming, mental stimulating, healing addictions, etc. When the tongue touches the meridian points in a particular sequence it vibrates the hypothalamus, pituitary and pineal glands in the brain, directly and immediately sending out a message to the heart/the brain of each of your trillion cells which then immediately begin to radiate and vibrate the message of the mantra you are chanting which in turn influences your overall glandular function, moods, emotions, behaviors and physical well being. I love Kundalini Yoga! Wahe Guru!

Here is a link to a yoga set for the Pituitary Gland http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Kriya%20Pituitary%20Gland%20Series.htm   and thank you to Sat Avtar Kaur and her brilliant website http://www.kundalini-yoga-info.com/

Don’t be so hormonal....  I have already apologized to my friends about this. I am not normally hormonal but without the hormone regulator I don’t know how I may react. I  already cry often only because I’m so sensitive to others and situations. But if I fly off the handle for no reason at all just walk up to me and hug me as tight as you can until it passes. Please do this and forgive me for any out of line behaviour. You know it isn’t really me, its just the imbalance and I will do my best to control it. I’ve always been on a near exact 28 day cycle for the 33 years I’ve been menstruating. I’m also one of those anomolies who loves her period and the mystery of my body’s call to the pull of the moon. I hope this won’t change as a result of this surgery.

I know someone who had that and they're fine....  really? Are they really fine? When was the last time you sat down and had a real heart to heart with them on how they are doing? Perhaps today is the day to be a friend and go and spend some time with them and ask if you can do something for them because I promise you they are not FINE! Ask them what it is like regulating the medication and how their life has changed as a result of this. I promise you that your support will be heartfully received.

Your scar is so big!....  yes, I actually had a successful, intelligent woman in her 50’s say  this to me the other day in front of others. Her next comment was ‘Did it spread?’ I was speechless and just wrapped my scarf a little tighter around my neck and choked back my tears. (JH ~ I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, Iove you.)

I’m a woman who has struggled with loving my body all my life. I’m one of those women who has had men (more than one or two) tell her that ‘if you just lost a little weight’. I even had a man suggest I get liposuction. So now I have this scar to deal with. I’m not in the category of other cancers where you can hide your scars under your clothes, my scar is front and center. I’ve been so afraid that I won’t be seen anymore and that people will only see my scar and this woman blurts this out to me. I was devastated. Sometimes its better to just say nothing at all. (Just so you know I do love my body today and all its curves. I love that I’m proportioned and that my jeans fit and that my riding chaps look hot! I love all my curves and I’m not just a little bit woman, I’m all woman! 

My friend had her thyroid removed and she gained 300lbs....  well, let’s just pray that won’t be me and thanks for the encouraging words but have no fear I love food and nothing will stop me from eating even if I do reach 300lbs, just more of me to love right?!

Well, if you’re going to have cancer that’s the one to have.... yes it it true that Thyroid Cancer is treatable however it is treatable by not just removing the cancerous tumour but removing the entire thyroid gland which is very important to the overall function of the body. But just removing it doesn’t mean all is good. There is still daily medication and also, approximately 6 weeks after the thyroid has been removed then the person is recommended to take RadioActive Iodine (RAI) which is a form of radiation treatment taken orally. Weeks prior to taking RAI the patient must go on a very strict low iodine diet and then be scanned to determine how much RAI is to be given. During this time the thyroid medication must be stopped for a few weeks which means energy levels plummet only then to do the balancing act all over again when its time to restart the meds. Depending on the dosage some patients must be quarantined because they are literally radioactive. Even the clothes they wear during treatment must be burned because the natural body perspiration and other body discharges are radioactive and even the toilet must be flushed twice to make sure all the radioactive stuff goes down the drain. Pretty scary stuff if you ask me and no one wants cancer ever, treatable or not. I know I didn’t ask for this!

So what DO you say to someone with Thyroid Disease/Cancer....  I don’t have an exact answer. Maybe just think for a moment before you speak and drop into your heart. Whatever comes out of your mouth after that will be perfect because it will be coming from your heart not from a place of insensitivity. Be kind. Just be kind. Isn’t that what we all hope for in our communications?

This afternoon I’m going to sneak into a Thyroid Cancer symposium for professionals at the Shaw Center here in Edmonton. I’m going with my friend Maureen who is in town. We met when we were in Grade 3! Imagine that!

Today I will communicate from my heart and smile so all who I come into contact with will feel my sincere warmth and gratitude for all that I have in my life today especially for friendships that have lasted for close to 40 years. Yikes... am I really that old ~ LOL!

The Big Revelation.... Damn It!!

Yesterday I wrote out this long winded blog that needed a bit of editing before posting so I was going to do that after watching the Mad Men finale last night (my favourite show) but I didn’t get to it and now it doesn’t seem fitting to post. (It's still a good post so maybe I'll post it tomorrow.) Today what does seem fitting is the new revelation I’ve discovered about Thyroid Disease but before the big reveal a little background.

One morning I woke up with an ache in the arch of my foot. I thought at the time I may have pulled a muscle but how was this possible? Well, within a couple of weeks my feet, ankles and knees were swollen like balloons and then shortly after the inflammation crept into my hips and the pain was just as intense as wild fire. It was October 1988.

From there the pain and swelling went into my wrists, elbows and hands. By now I'd been to the doctor who sent me to a Rheumatologist. By the time I finally saw this doctor I’d had numerous blood tests, etc, trying to figure out what was going on. I hobbled into this doctor's office and he proceeded to lay out a drug treatment plan. Well, taking drugs of any sort was not high on my list of wants no matter how much pain I was in. I told him I wanted another option. I was 24 years old and he said that either way drugs or no drugs I had to get used to the fact that I would permanently be in a wheelchair by the time I was 30 years old. I looked at him,  lifted myself out of the chair, replied with a 'Fu.. You!' and hobbled out the door. I then found Dr. Arthur Bookman, the kindest, sweetest Rheumatologist at Toronto Western Hospital. I did end up taking the drugs but Dr. Bookman was always very considerate of my aversion to them and I respected that.

So, from 1988 when I was diagnosed with what is called Serum Negative Rheumatoid Arthritis, which means it never showed up in my bloodwork (hmmm....???) till probably 1993 I struggled with relapses sometimes leaving me completely incapacitated and close to quadrapeligic paralyzed for months at a time. The pain was more than I can ever explain and over 40 joints were inflamed. Searing pain 24/7. I made a mindful decision one day while lying in bed at 26 years old that this was not how I was going to live my life and slowly, very slowly I started to heal and I started to wean myself off the drugs, the steroids and the painkillers.

When I was 28 I was living in Vancouver and I went to my first Kundalini Yoga class. I couldn’t do the yoga but I could sit or lie down and breathe and listen to the mantra music and one day I noticed that I could sit cross legged. And then another day I noticed that I could step up a street curb. One step, literally at a time my body began to break out of the shackles of this mysterious disease that robbed me of years of my life and living.

As the years went on I lived as normal as I could however there were things I always noticed. For instance I always felt weak and I never had the endurance of others around me. Yes, I look like a big strong girl and I have the mind and determination of a wild bull but I’m not physically strong at all. Also, I have had muscle aches and pains ongoing for what feels like forever and I don’t heal well. If I cut myself it will take much longer to heal than it would most people. This is why some doctors have thought I may have Sjogren’s which is a connective tissue disorder but I only have some of the symptoms not all.

This past weekend I discovered something very interesting and very disturbing which has left me burdened with resentment and grief. Are you ready for the great revelation?

I was misdiagnosed. Not once but repeatedly for the last 22 years!

I didn't know but its a known fact that people who have autoimmune diseases like Rheumatoid Arthritis have thyroid trouble. Gee, no wonder the Rheumatoid Factor never showed up in my bloodwork, it wasn’t necessarily Rheumatoid, it was Thyroid Disease!!! Every time I've had my thyroid tested it has come back NORMAL! How could it be normal when I’ve had a slow growing cancerous tumour growing inside it for years?

Well, that’s because I was an uneducated advocate for myself. I was told that my thyroid was being tested but only the Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) was being tested not the actual Thyroid Hormones (T3 and T4). And each time the TSH would come back in range, a perfect 1.8 and I would still be exhausted and worn out. I'd still have headaches, constipation, lazy metabolism and my hair has been falling out by the handful for over a year. I've taken almost every supplement known to man and seen every healer under the stars searching for something to lift me up but nothing has worked. I realize now that I was excellent at making up excuses for my exhaustion, too much work, not eating right, not exercising enough, the gloomy days of Vancouver living, daily stresses, etc. If it wasn't for my innate mental drive and soulful determination I would be a crumpled couch potato living off government disability and welfare not able to get my body up and into action. But as you all know that isn't ME. I'm not made of that and I'm not one to give in to a fight very easily even one with my own body.

The only reason I became sick with Rheumatoid in the first place was because my mother had died tragically and violently when I was 22 and within 6 months after I had 2 other great losses, one I’m not prepared to discuss openly and the other a heartbreak, a deep heartbreak. From there I decided the best way for me to cope was to work and I did, almost 7 days a week until I became sick and even after that I would still load up on painkillers and carry on. The body can only handle so much stress before it breaks down and I admit in fear of feeling all that grief and loss I ran from it and put my body under tremendous pressure. All in all it was STRESS that wore me down and made me sick, STRESS!!

For those of you who know me and are intimate with the many chapters of my life know that I have not lead a life filled with rainbows, sweet flowers and little bubbles but rather pages of colourful challenges and rocky mountainous hills and yes, yes, yes one day you will see all these amazing stories some sad but many hilarious in print on your local bookstore shelf. All has made me who I am today which is strong, fearless, able to witness humour in everything, flexible to change, forgiving more than one woman should be, open to any adventure and willing to try anything within reason at least once but I’m tired. I’m tired beyond tired and have been for a very, very long time but its only my body that's tired which leaves me in such conflict. My mind is sharp, active and constantly striving to reach a new height and my spirit is so playful and filled with wonderment and expression and reaches deep into my soul. But today I fall to my knees and admit with my heart in my hands, I'm tired.

Today as I sit here in the quiet of my bedroom currently listening to Miten, partner of Deva Premal sing So Much Magnificence (There is so much magnificence near the ocean, waves are coming in, waves are coming in, halleluja) I strive to find acceptance. This piece of music always brings me to peace and peace is what I need right now as I’m torn between raging anger and knock me down grief. This could have been prevented if I would have known there was a connection between autoimmune and the thyroid but I didn’t and I should have and I feel so ignorant with all the physiology and health and wellness training I’ve had over the years. I should have known better. Damn it I should have! And if I did I would still have my thyroid and I wouldn’t have to take medication for the rest of my life in this physical form and I wouldn't this horrible gash across the base of my neck which will be a lifelong chore of acceptance and self love. Damn, Damn, Damn!!! I guess its just another chapter.

PS - I still want to add music to my blog if anyone could tell me how to create a URL from my iTunes playlist I'd be so grateful!!

Just a short update.....

I had hoped to be blogging more often but I've been very under the weather the last few days. Just extreme nausea so green jello is still at the top of the menu. I've also been very weak... low blood pressure which I'm hoping will come up soon so I can be up for more than a couple hours at a time. Didn't get the stitches out yet but maybe tomorrow.

My little blog has had over 1000 hits!! Wow! Thank you all for your love and support. I'm sure in the next day or so I'll have something more interesting to tell you.

Much love! xoxox

Green Jello & Chocolate Milkshakes....

Saturday afternoon and I'm still wiped out. I can normally push through anything but I can't push through this. All I've ate over the past few days is jello (yummy green jello), a bit of broth, Dairy Queen chocolate milkshakes and yesterday I ate about 10 grapes. I'll never refuse food but even the scent of chicken wings and Royal Pizza wafting into my room last night didn't stir me into hunger.

I'm sending my man servant, my angel, my strength through this to pick me up a tetra pack of butternut squash soup. I'm hoping that a bit of food will give me the strength to sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time.

On a positive note I forgot to mention that my voice survived intact!! The pitch, projection and the sweetness all survived and I bowed to my surgeon yesterday in gratitude.

I've been trying to ease up on the painkillers but I'm no where near giving them up completely. I did sleep for 4 hours straight last night which was a feat and my dad is on his way over from my sister's and once he arrives I'll sleep again hopefully for at least 2.

I have so many emotions rising but its hurt so much to cry but a couple tears found their way to the surface fell into my bath water a few minutes ago.

When I was in the operating theatre as its called the nurse and the anesthesiologist were explaining to me all that was about to happen. They were just about to give me the drug interveneously to help me relax when I held on to the nurses arm and broke down in tears. They allowed me to listen to my ipod until the surgery so I had Liv Singh's Wahe Pachalbel Chant playing. It is said that if you are about to die chant Wahe Guru and you will immediately merge with the angels.

I honestly thought while I was lying on that gurney that this was the end of this lifetime as I knew it. I held on to the nurse's arm and cried not because I am afaid to die but because I was just overwrought with emotion, all the emotions that I still hadn't expressed in this life, in this body. All the joy, happiness, laughter, the ecstasy, the appreciation, the gratitude, the play!! All of it! I've been saying for so long that I feel like I've barely even begun to live my life. Many of you look at my life and think its filled with adventure and experience and it is but there is still so much more I want do. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything worth anything.

When I came to consciousness in the recovery room they brought me my ipod and it was still playing Wahe Pachalbel. As I laid there in and out of consciousness I was so surprised to still be here in this body. I really didn't think I was going to wake up hence ensuring before going in that day I had a makeshift will drawn up outlining distribution of my few valuable possessions.

Today as I enjoy the luxury of doing nothing except sleeping and staring into space I am mindful of each breath I take (labourious as they are) I'm grateful for each one. Today is a new day and I have been granted a new life to make it as I wish. All you you reading this have that opportunity right now at this moment too. You don't have to endure what I did to appreciate that today, this moment is the first day of the rest of your life!! Wahe Guru (this means - I am in ecstacy when I experience the indescribable wisdom of the universe!)!! And now... more green jello!!

Home Sweet Home

This will be a short post but I wanted to let you all know that I am okay. I'm still in a great deal of pain and still exhausted but I'm okay. Pain in the incision, my neck and all the way into my chest. It still hurts to take a deep breath but the drain tube came out today (still leaking a bit but at least that annoying tube is gone!). I can't remember ever being so wiped out but that might be because the last read on my blood pressure was 81 over 53... just a tad low. It will come up over the next couple days.

The hospital was extremely noisy but the nursing staff were all amazing and so, so sweet and kind. I've been very well taken care of and will be for some time to come.

I just took more drugs so I'm going to lie down in my wonderful bed and yummy flannel sheets. My house is so quiet and my Dad is downstairs in the living room reading. Its really nice having him here with me.

Here is a pic I took this morning on my phone just before the drain tube was removed. Sorry if this grosses anyone out but this is real. Stitches will be out next week. It might not look that painful from your angle but from mine its excruitating.... all in the name of health!!

PS ~ I'm happy I woke up!

9 hours to go....

I'm lying here in my cozy bed with fresh sheets and an angel beside me listening to Snatam Kaur's 'Guru Ram Das'. This is exactly the sweet energy my soul is calling for tonight. 9 hours from now I'll enter the operation room to have my thyroid removed and hopefully only 2 parathyroids - 7:30am Mountain time.

Today was extremely busy just getting myself organized. Cleaning, laundry, etc. This afternoon I had a complete meltdown while eating lunch and later when I was talking to my BFF (best friend forever) Sarab Shakti, I expressed that I feel like I'm being a drama queen. In her wonderfully sweet Shakti (powerful feminine) she said, 'You are having Cancer Surgery!!!!' In other words its okay to freak out.

I guess I've been confused about how to respond to all of this since I've never had this before. How does one behave or be? I've had many people flipantly say 'Oh my Aunt Mary had that and she's fine.' I understand people are just trying to find a way to deal with it themselves but the only response I've had that was politely left on the tip of my tongue was 'And when was the last time you had your throat cut open to have a major gland removed?' I wouldn't say that but it sure has been close.

I've had a sore throat for months and months... probably about 8+ months but I kept thinking it was because I was rundown, or from stress, or maybe its dry in the house, or dry outside, or climate change. Finally at the end of June the irritation and burning became too much and I went to the MediClinic. The doctor there wanted to give me antibiotics but I wouldn't take them until he could prove to me that I needed them so he sent me for a thyroid ultrasound. I knew I'd get a call back and I did which is when I was sent to the surgeon for a biopsy. It took 2 months to get biopsied and that was fast! I'm so grateful for our medical system however I'm fortunate that the type of cancer my thyroid has is not aggressive otherwise I don't know where I'd be right now. I've been told that I've had this for years and that a sore throat is not necessarily a symptom but perhaps it was my body's way of getting my attention to have it checked. This is a silent disease and more need to know how to check their own thyroid because my tests have always came back saying all is normal. Hmmm... how is a malignant growing tumor normal? Our bodies are incredibly complex.

Yes, I'm scared to answer everyone's question. I feel like I just want one more day. Late this afternoon I was at the airport picking up my Dad who flew in from the Island and while I was sitting there I became aware of how acute all of my senses were.

Stop what you are doing right now... right now and take in all the smells in the air. Feel the atmosphere on your skin. Take in a deep breath through your nose. Look at the variety of colours that surround you. Now close your eyes and listen. Listen to the richness of your world. Hear your heart beating. Hear your soul's voice and the sound of the community of angel's wings surrounding you holding you up at this exact moment in time.

I'm so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support and friendship. Tomorrow morning when I'm on my way to healing my amazing Kundalini Yoga community will be gathering globally to honour and celebrate the life of our Master Yogi Bhajan. They will be in reverant meditation and will be holding a sacred space for all of us on this troubled planet. I know Yogiji's spirit will be holding my hand tomorrow morning and this brings my soul great comfort. (In some near future blog I will tell you the story of how I was blessed to be in his presence and how he took me in and molded me into the woman I am today.) I'm so honoured to be a teacher of the Secret Sacred Science of Kundalini Yoga.

This evening as I drift into a deep sleep I will allow myself to step out of worry and into faith. Bless you all!!

PS ~ Much thanks to Sat Jiwan Kaur - Reiki Master in Vancouver for her exquisate distance healing. I slept on Sunday night for 8 straight hours! That's the first time in weeks. Thank you so much!!

1:05pm

It's only 1:05pm and I haven't done so well with my words, thoughts or actions today. I've been impatient, bitchy, stressed and just not my best. I've raised my voice and cried. Not at all what my intention was for today.... so this entry is me starting all over again... and now a little Ho'oponopono....John ... I"m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you.... xo

Sunny Sunday Morning and Butterflies

It's early Sunday morning and first of all I want to thank you all for your love and support!! Wow, my wee blog had almost 400 hits in 10 countries! Who is in Italy, Poland and Thailand? I've had an emotional couple of days hence not writing. I haven't been sleeping very well, waking every few hours and not being able to fall back into dreamland. My mind is racing with thoughts that are irrelevant and my body is uncomfortable. I just don't feel like ME and I'm restless in my own skin. I've known for a couple months that transition is near because I haven't liked myself in any of my clothes. It doesn't matter what I put on it doesn't feel right. Yesterday I must have tried on 7 outfits before settling on a pair of leggings (nice and stretchy for comfort) and a long to the knee kirta (Indian term for long shirt). I did buy a pair of capris at the Gap Outlet yesterday that I'll wear today whether they are comfortable or not because I'm so proud of the super bargain I got them for... $4.18!! Yup, I'm an excellent shopper and why pay retail when you don't have to!! LOL!!

The afternoon after my first blog I had a panic attack. My guess is that the fear I think I have a handle on just bubbled to the surface. I resorted to my innate Kundalini Yoga training and brought my mind directly to my breath and slowed it down. I stood still until the wave of anxiety passed and then I sat for a few moments and gathered myself before carrying on.

Why am I so afraid? Well, I'm not afraid of the 'C' word as I know this will pass and I'm not afraid of dying as I know there is liberation on the other side, so what is it?.... aaahhh.....its the fear that if I don't wake up from the surgery my life is not in order (I'm sure we all share a little of this fear). Its the fear of being more sick after the surgery than before. Its the fear of having my throat cut (I know deep in my soul that in past lives I've been choked to death, been guillotined and literally had my throat cut leading to death.) My friend Bruce (www.farnorthsaunas.com) pointed out the irony that I always wear scarves and I do. Has this been some forethought? I have a large Rubbermaid storage container full of scarves and shawls and I still went out and bought 2 more on Friday. I'm also afraid of taking medication for the rest of my life as I don't even take Advil and the thought of the Radioactive Iodine therapy freaks me out completely!! That's the type of radiation I'll have to do after I recover from surgery. I'll talk more about that when the time comes.

This blog doesn't feel as if its flowing as well as my first but that might be because as the days get closer the more scattered I am. All I know is that right now I'm extremely fragile. I'm usually so strong and together but right now I can't hear anything negative or be around any form of stress. My skin is too thin.

So, what is the thyroid and what are its functions? Its actually a pretty gland that sits just below your windpipe and it lays in front of your trachea like a butterfly. The wings fan out to the left and right of your throat.

Side Note - Way back in 1988 I went to see a psychic, Laurel Vickars who now lives in Meaford, Ontario (she's in my list of FaceBook friends if you want to contact her for a reading). My mom had died by her own hand only two years before and when I went to see Laurel she knew and she began to channel my mom. This was amazing to me all that she knew, seriously she knew stuff about her that there was no way she could have known since we had only just met. Because my mom had committed suicide her spirit was stuck in between the worlds and when I asked what she was doing Laurel said she is assisting butterflies through their metamorphosis. Since then I've had a affinity for butterflies. Whenever I see one I know my mother's spirit is near me. When I was walking on the Camino de Santiago in Spain there were many butterflies along The Way but only on the trail not off of it which we all thought was odd but it gave me comfort knowing that my mother and all the other angels were near giving me the strength to walk another day. I just realized that fear and anxiety and excitement can all feel like butterflies in your tummy... hmmm... funny how its all connected!!

The function of the thyroid is extremely important to our human bodies. It regulates hormones, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and metabolism. Without the thyroid medication is used to balance all of these functions. On each of the four quadrants of the thyroid sits the parathyroids. These control blood and bone calcium. I have to have two removed from the unhealthy side of the thyroid but the surgeon has promised me he would do is best to save the others to healthy side. 

Since July 1st when I first learned that I had these lumps in my thyroid and neck I've been analyzing my throat chakra. In the Chakra system this is the 5th Chakra represented by the colour blue and its about communication. So my question has been where am I not communicating, what am I not communicating and how many poisonous words am I swollowing? As a teacher (Kundalini Yoga and Healthy Breast) I know I need to be teaching more and to larger audiences. I also know that I have not been living my life's purpose. Louise Hay says that the thyroid represents creativity. All I can say to that is .... hhhmmmmm.....

So today I will look at my words and although I am careful not to be mean or hurtful to others in my language how am I being mean and hurtful to ME by not saying all that I have to say and by not living my destiny?

Enjoy your Sunday! All my love and watch for butterflies and faires!! xo

PS - If any of you know how to add background music to my blog I'd be so grateful for your expertise. I just plain can't figure it out!! :)