The Pill

It's 6:15am and I've been awake since 2. How is it possible to be so incredibly exhausted yet I can't sleep? I thought of taking sleeping drugs before going to bed last night but I'm not really one to take pills other than the tiny pale yellow pill that sits in a translucent blue vile with its companions on my nightstand. Everyday I put it in my mouth and swallow with a mouthful of lukewarm water and wonder in silent prayer that maybe today will be the day that this synthetic man made powdered mixture that's pressed into an eighth of an inch round pill with its Robertson slotted screw stamp across its face for easy breakage that is suppose to act as a substitute for my thyroid gland will start working. That is the only drug I want to take and it has become my God. That little pill that is hopefully going to restore my energy level so I can function again. That little pill that will restore me to sanity.

It's six weeks tomorrow. Six weeks of feeling like crap. I thought I was getting better and yes, in many ways I'm way better than I was the week after surgery but I'm no where near myself. I tried to socialize a bit last week for the first time. Had lunch with friends, had coffee. I've even dated in the past couple months but got ditched because I wasn't giving enough to him. Oops, sorry. I'm just a little tired right now and my priority right now isn't relationship. It's getting out of bed, having a shower (one where I even wash my hair), getting dressed and not falling back into bed after I've done all that.

Daily depression is knocking at my door and I'm doing my best not to answer. I just don't know how to deal with this level of exhaustion. Yes, I rest. Yes, do my best to be gentle but I'm not able to do anything for more than a few hours at a time. What do I do the rest of the time? I sleep on and off, I eat as healthy as possible but cooking is a huge task, I read and I watch TV. How long will I feel like this? No one knows. So, was the tumour removed yes. Am I cancer free? I won't know for a couple more months. Do I feel better? Hell NO!

Yesterday I was suppose to go and have my blood tested again so my new Endocrinologist can decide if he should increase the dosage or not but I didn't have the energy to get to the lab. I went to the post office first and that was all I could do. So, now I'm wondering do I go now since its open and there most likely won't be a line up of other sickies waiting for tests of some sort or am I a danger to myself and others driving in my state sleep deprivation. I think I'll stay here and hopefully sleep will come to me even for a few hours. My prayer is that the doc will give the go ahead for me to advance to the teal or the blue pill that are higher dosages which in turn may mean more energy. Oh please God!

Sorry I don't have anything more pleasant to say today. I'm just so tired of being tired.......