Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday! The sun is shining and I'm listening to Hari Bhajan's 'We Are God' ~ 'life is so beautiful, its such a gift, we are one'. I had so many FaceBook birthday wishes when woke up this morning! I truly feel very loved today. Thank you to all of you! I have three beautiful women friends who share my birthday with me, Leanne, Robin and Tracey. Happy Birthday to all of you, too!

There is also Brian Little who I share my birthday with. Brian was two years younger than me and his brother Warren one year younger. I met Warren when I was one and a half years old. I can clearly remember our moms holding us up introducing us. Warren was my very first friend and then came Brian. We were the three musketeers and we were neighbours until I was in my 20's after my mom died and my Dad sold the house. The three of us did everything together as kids. I was quite the tomboy, no barbies for this chick! I just couldn't understand why you would want to sit around dressing and undressing plastic dolls when you could be tearing through the neighbourhood on your bike, climbing trees or building the world's greatest treefort! Warren, Brian and I did just that, we had the world's greatest treefort.

I'm sad that we don't have a picture of it but we made the whole thing ourselves out of scrap pieces of wood, nails and rope. It was off the ground and two stories. You had to use the rope to climb into it. Looking back I can't believe our parents let us sleep in there! I'm sure it was completely unsafe but for us it was a place of security. Other neighbourhood kids were jealous of our fort as they were always raiding it and us defending it. Like the day my nose was broken because Marty M. threw a dirt bomb at me and it had a rock in the center. Needless to say it hit me square in the nose! Yes, I was a tomboy. I don't recall how old I was but one birthday all I wanted was a green shirt so I could be camouflaged in the woods. I also wanted fried chicken, cream corn and mashed potatoes for dinner, definitely a favourite meal but then my Mom did make the best fried chicken ever!

Warren, Brian and I had siblings too. Me, two sisters, Julie and Marie. They had the twins, Keith and Karen. All seven of us grew up as one big family with four parents who all disciplined us when necessary. One Easter all seven of us thought it would be a good idea to throw rocks across the highway until one innocent driver ended up with a broken windshield. It was not a pleasant outcome for us kids.

I have so many memories of Warren and Brian. The one that stands out the most for all of us kids is when the three of us were playing on the Skidder. We had a Skidder because we lived out of town and our Dad's used it to plow the driveways and road of snow in the winter. It was a warm summer day and we were playing on it and one of us started it. We didn't mean to but it happened and it scared us so much because we had no idea how to turn it off. We had to call your Dad's at work. We thought for sure that we were in a heap of trouble but what ended up happening was a big barbecue and lots of people. It was a good day after all!

Both Warren and Brian were born with heart defects. Brian passed away in November 1995 at 29 after a hockey game and Warren in March 2003 at 38. I miss them both so much. Especially on my birthday as Brian and I always shared that special bond. It's lonely being the one musketeer but I'm still close to Keith and Karen and I hope to see them this summer as its been too long to be away from family.

Warren's birthday was February 23 which is also the day his father, Doug Little passed away in 1993 while having heart surgery. I miss them all so much. The Little's all played a huge part of my childhood as I said we were like one large family.

So, today is my birthday and I'm spending it writing my blog, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen and then being put to sleep to have a camera put in my throat. I can't go out for dinner or eat cake anyway as I'm on a very strict diet/cleanse. I'm waiting till mid-April to celebrate! Last year at this time I was completing my Registered Massage Therapy course and so excited about the future and my career and today I'm just hoping I wake up. It's so amazing where a year can take us!

My birthday wish today is that we all stop complaining. I'm very guilty of it too! Stop complaining about the potholes in the roads, a slow line up at the grocery store, if its raining or sunny. Stop complaining because you have ate too much or if there is too much clutter in your house. Stop complaining if someone may have hurt you or isn't paying enough attention to you. Go to them and give them your heart. Stop complaining if gas prices are going up. Stop complaining about all the petty things you complain about everyday. Everyone stop complaining and if you feel the need to do so, do it while watching a news report on Japan and see if that ceases your complaining. I can't fathom what they are going through. It's absolutely heartbreaking. God Bless.

On this day the Lord gave you life, may you use it to serve Him, all of my loving prayers will be with you, may you never forget Him, May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on!

Feeling Homesick....

I had a very uneventful weekend and am happy to report this Monday morning that my energy is still climbing! I'm so happy to feel vibrant again!

I'm so happy we turned our clocks ahead on early Sunday morning. The dark days of winter take their toll on me and the longer days just make everyone that little bit brighter. Maybe spring is on the way!

On Saturday night I watched Sex in the City - the movie and found myself very homesick for my WestCoast girls and Vancouver itself. One day soon I'll be back, hopefully before another long Edmonton winter sets in.

Sunday morning I got a call from my Dad telling me that he lost two of his very good friends last week. One to lung cancer and one had a massive stroke. I knew them both as well and it was shocking to hear. I feel for my Dad today and the grief he is experiencing. Friends are valuable to our well being and I know he is going to miss them both very much.

One of the men who passed was Jim. My parents were friends with Jim and his wife Diane long before I was born so they were always in my life growing up. I watched all four of their children come home from the hospital after being born, Howard, Holly, Hunter and Hillary. Jim was an avid outdoorsman and worked in the logging industry. In 2001 only weeks before I left for Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago the first time, Jim was in a car accident. He was thrown quite a distance from his vehicle. At Christmas this year my Dad told me the story of Jim's experience while waiting for the paramedics. I don't want to go into his personal detail but Jim had a very profound spiritual experience. This is a man who stood well over 6 feet and had a booming voice that echoed with passion for everything he did. I can hear his laughter mixed with my Dad's. They always had a good time together. He was not someone you would think would have an experience with the angels but he did. That accident left Jim paralyzed from the waist down but my Dad said that it was the spiritual experience that Jim believes spared his life. Some might have thought that an outcome like that would have dampened his spirits but not a chance. He just carried on with life with the same vigor but this time from his wheelchair.

I went to visit him in the hospital with my Dad after his accident. Here was Jim lying in his hospital bed unable to take another step and I was about to embark on a journey where my steps were going to take me across all 500 miles that make up the Camino de Santiago. I remember him taking my hand and saying, 'Walk for me' and I did. I walked those 500 miles thinking of him, thinking of my best friend Jodi who was a quadripeligic (she died in 1989) and thinking of countless others who don't have the freedom of taking a step forward but lead with their spirits and hearts. There was a time in my life that I was unable to walk and its a liberty we often take for granted.

I have some steps I have to take in my life right now that seem impossible but must be made. Abraham H. Maslow once said 'You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.' Safety seems very comfortable which is why I'm mustering up the courage to be uncomfortable. I know many of you have witnessed me making life altering decisions and actions on the spur of the moment but this time for some reason I'm feeling more cautious than usual. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I went to see the Gastroenterologist this morning. She booked me for a test where they stick a camera down my throat and into my stomach, Gastroscopy procedure. All of this is to determine why I still have a sore throat. The appointment was scheduled for mid-May but as I was driving out of the parking lot she called and I'm going in tomorrow afternoon. What a glorious, glamorous way to spend my birthday! I don't think this is going to show anything at all but might as well rule out all possibilities.

Today I send my prayers out to my Dad, his friend Bill and his family and Diane, Jim's wife and their children and families. May you all find peace during this difficult time.

PS ~ I also want to include Kevin, a new friend who's father also passed away from a stroke last week. Peace to you.

Yay!!

Yay! Yay! Yay!! I'm so happy that my appointment with the Gastroenterologist that was scheduled May 2 has been moved to Monday!!

I have had a sore throat for over a year now. It feels like I'm swallowing razor blades all the time. Imagine your worst sore throat every day. I've learned to ignore it the best I can but some days it wears me down. I went to the doctor last June because of this and they found cancer in my thyroid. After the surgery the docs assured me that the sore throat would go away but by December I found a new GP (general practitioner-doctor) who like the first one I saw wanted to give me drugs. I said 'NO!' I want to know what this is.

So, in January I did a baruim swallow test which was just as horrible as you have heard and low and behold there is something pressing on my larynx. I don't think its cancerous but I do think its something that needs to be addressed. I must add that I'm seeing a Gastroenterologist only because its absolutely impossible to see an Ear Nose Throat (ENT) here in Edmonton. I can't even get an appointment even though I've had two doctors try to get an appointment, I've had a sore throat for over a year and just by absolute chance they found cancer removed my thyroid and I still couldn't get an appointment...... aaaaahhhhh!! (Sorry, just a wee bit frustrating!)

I don't know what the shift has been but I feel so much better than I did a couple weeks ago. Its a crazy feeling to suddenly be able to do more than one thing a day!! It's late and I'm writing while watching Robot Chicken - seriously funny! Time to go to sleep.

Sweet dreams everyone and please continue all your prayers and blessing for the people of Japan. I've been terribly worried about my Japanese Psychology of Vision friends. How horrible to watch the devastation. We who are all warm and cozy in our beds tonight have so much to be grateful for. I know I do!!!

International Women's Day!

'I need to enjoy all the gifts that God gave me today. Grace cannot be saved and put away for later.
There is no bank where you can deposit favors you’ve received, to use them according to our will.
If I do not enjoy these blessings now, I will lose them forever.
God knows that we are artists of life.
One day he will give us a chisel for sculpture, the other day brushes and canvas.
Another day he will give us a pen to write. But we will never use a chisel on canvas, sculptures or feathers.
I must accept the blessings of today, to create with what I have; if I do this with detachment and without guilt, tomorrow I shall receive more.'  ~ Paulo Coehlo's blog

May all women around the world today join in being kind to one another. Today we celebrate 100 years of women's achievements. Imagine 100 years of women stepping up to be heard yet last night on the reality television show The Bachelor I think we as women took a step backwards. Women its time to put away criticism, jealousy, competition and just love, appreciate and respect each other. If we as women can join together and hold hands we have the ability to heal the world but first we must heal ourselves and our relationships with other women.

What woman in your life do you need to reach out to today and make amends to? Or what woman in your life do you need to reach out to and assist or listen to or just have a cup of tea with? What woman in your life do you need to extend an action of appreciation?

What about yourself? Maybe today you love YOU and fill up the tub with luscious warm water, maybe some epsom salts or bubbles and slide in and take a deep breath and let all your worries, aches and pains melt away. Hmmmm.... that actually sounds like a good idea, one I'm going to act on right now!

Have a beautiful day celebrating the woman in you and all women in the world who make this world a beautiful, graceful place to be.

Precious Stones and Open Hearts

'A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food.
The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.
But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said. “I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.... Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone.”'
 ~ as posted on Paulo Coehlo's blog

I love this story and I wonder at times if I possess that which enabled her to give away her precious stone. I hope I do. I try to be kind in my thoughts and actions but I know there are times I'm not perfect by any stretch especially over the past 5 months. There are many of you whom I owe a phone call to or a response to an email. I know in my heart of hearts that there are many of you who understand that I just haven't been able to. There are others however who haven't understood.

I had my heart broken by a friend last month who was upset because I hadn't responded to an email within the alloted time (it was less than a week) than she expected me to and then proceeded to delete me from her list of friends on Facebook. When I asked why she let me know that she has 'expectations' of her friends.

Well, how do I respond to that? I didn't. What can I say that I haven't already been saying? Having my thyroid surgically removed due to cancer wiped me out for months and months and unless you have gone through it there is no way you can ever understand the intense lethargy, exhaustion, grief, depression and overwhelming sadness that completely takes over every sense of being.

Expectations! How can someone have any expectation of me when my only expectation of myself was to get out of bed, have a shower and get dressed. There were many, many days when only one of those was accomplished and that was a successful day! Some have asked why would I be friends with someone like that and my response has been because I really care about her and I thought we were friends even though this is probably the 5th time during our friendship that she has decided not to be friends with me anymore.

I don't have expectations on my friends other than to be happy, stay in touch when you can and laugh, giggle, play, hold our shared secrets sacred and love, love, love. What else is there? I guess for some its responding to an email within the unknown alloted proper response time or else the delete button will be pushed.

Life is short and so intense. We are all so pressured to 'BE' something that most of the time we just can't pull off with perfect grace and ease. We bumble along trying to please and most of the time fall flat with egg on our face. Can we not just love and respect each other for who we are and where we are at whatever moment in life?

There is this great line that I love to remind myself of when I feel myself sliding towards disappapointment in someone and that is,  'Every single human being at every moment of the past, if the entire situation is taken into account, has always done the very best he or she could do and so deserves neither blame nor reproach from anyone, including self. This, in particular, is true of you.' ~the beautiful late Harvey Jackins founder and creator of Re-Evaluation Co-Counselling. (http://www.rc.org/ )

Imagine a world where we would give so much of ourselves that we would freely give our most precious stone to a complete stranger without question when they asked for it or if we never again blamed or expressed disapproval to anyone. How open our hearts would be!

This week I'm entering into a very intense cleansing and part of this cleanse is not to just clean out my body but also my mind, my heart and the clutter including friends who have 'expectations' on me. I know I'll never ever live up to them so let's just not even start that way no one will be let down.

God Bless you my friends and may you all find peace with your heart wide open!

Short Blog

This is a short blog. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel better!  So,  to celebrate I am working on my 'project'. This is a project I have been working on for almost 10 years.  Mostly it's been a dream but now it is becoming reality.  My goal was to have it completed by the end of this month but I am pushing my goal gently forward to the end of March.  I thought with all this time off I would have accomplished more that I haven't, so be it.

Tomorrow I am attempting a new activity, Moksha Yoga - www.mokshayogasherwoodpark.com .  I have been teaching and practicing Kundalini Yoga for over 15 years  and now it's time to try something new.  I'll let you know how I make out! I've been walking on the treadmill every day but my body is longing for more stretching and warmth. Spring is around the corner and I want to be strong enough  to ride motorcycle this summer whether I am a passenger or in the driver seat. In vanity I also, want to fit comfortably in the new leather jacket I'm dreaming of.

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog with others around the world!!! xo

PS - Remember to say a prayer for all in the middle east right now, Libya, Bahrain, Egypt and all the others in unrest. Also, for the souls in New Zealand. May the missing be found and may Mother Earth settle so no more souls will be hurt by earthquakes.

IF.....

IF....

If this is not a place where tears are understood,
Where do I go to cry?

If this is not a place where my spirit can take wing,
Where do I go to fly?

If this is not a place where my questions can be asked,
Where do I go to seek?

If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard,
Where do I go to speak?

If this is not a place where you’ll accept me as I am,
Where can I go to be?

Where can I learn and try and grow?
Where I can just be me?

~ Ken Medema

I Have No Idea Where I am Going

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
__________________________________
in Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

This is me today. I do not know where I am going. Each day just seems to be passing by with only glimpses of colour. I think on some level I may be more sad than what I realize. I'm grateful for my seeking and searching tendancies though because I recently came across a new book by Marianne Williamson who was a saviour to my soul way back in the early '90's with her books 'Return to Love' and 'A Woman's Worth'. Her new book is called 'A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessions for Surrendering Your Weight Forever'. As I've told you weight has been an issue for me since I had my thyroid removed although I am feeling more hopeful that I'll be in my Guess jeans and in my new leather jacket in time for motorcycle season.

In her book Marianne talks about this list of words and I've chosen some of them to express how I feel about having thyroid cancer. This has been a deep process over the past couple days and I'm hoping that as I continue to process this through this medium and with my confidents a shift will take place that will free me and my soul.

Shame - I feel shame for not being strong or healthy enough to fend off this illness in my body.
  
Anger - I feel angry with myself for getting sick and not being able to come back to health immediately. I'm also angry with the lack of support from the medical system and from a few people who I reached out to and asked for their support but haven't heard a word from.  

Self-Sabbatoge - I have self-sabbatoged myself by not pushing myself forward regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm currently self-sabbatoging by not working on my project everyday and pushing myself to complete the last 40%. (I can't disclose what this project is just yet but I will soon.)

Fear - I have fear that I won't ever come back from having my thyroid removed. That my vitality and energy will never return. I have fear of the future. I have fear of the cancer returning. I have fear of what the drug I take everyday does to my body. I have fear that I won't complete the project I've been working on for the past 10 years. I have fear of being ordinary. 

Unforgiveness - Oh yes! I admit I hold unforgiveness in the form of resentment. Today I hold resentment for someone who broke my heart awhile ago. Somedays its not there but today its creeped in again. I hold unforgiveness of broken promises. I hold resentment for all the times I didn't allow myself to be seen and for all the times I shrunk so I could 'fit in'. I have unforgiveness with my body for giving me so much grief for too long. 

Judgement - I have judgement on a woman I reached out to last summer. I called her and asked for her support as at that time I didn't know I had cancer but I knew something was terribly wrong and I was scared and about to enter on a long, difficult path. She said she would support me yet I haven't heard a word from her since. I have judgement on her giving her word yet not acting on it.

Excessive Responsibility - Because I've spent so much of my adult life as a single serving life I feel that I have alot of responsibility to do it all and do it well. Most of the time only some of it gets done half-assed and then the weight of the guilt for not being more enters in and paralyzes me. I feel excessive responsibility to heal myself.

Pressure - I feel a great deal of pressure to look strong and healthy all the time even though most of the time I want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep. I feel the pressure to keep up with other's schedules and activities even though I really can't. I feel the pressure to have an answer about what I plan to do with the rest of my life but I don't know. I really don't know. 

Exhaustion - I feel it constantly.

Burden - I'm burdend by heartbreak. Heartbreak that goes back to childhood all the way up to the last one which was last year that scarred me for life. I'm burdened by this because although I want to give my heart completely I hold back in fear of being hurt again and even though the weight is sometimes too much to carry my fear is greater. If I was to release my burdens I just might float away.  

Stress - hell ya!

Heartbreak - Although most of my heartbreak is about past relationships I also have deep heartbreak for the loss of my thyroid. I have a hollow, tender spot in my throat where it once laid and now its gone, cut into little pieces and incinerated, gone. Like losing a partner once its gone my life won't ever be the same and that breaks my heart. 

Injustice - I feel wronged that I got cancer. I feel its wrong that it happens to anyone. I feel its an injustice that illness exists, that our bodies change, that our schedules change that our dreams have to be altered. Its not fair and its wrong.

Jealousy - I feel jealous of a select few who wonder through the world untouched by anything negative. They are the ones financially comfortable, relationship is glorious, family healthy, etc. I have a 'friend' who unconsciously keeps telling me how wonderful her life is while I'm struggling and when I say I can't participate in something she keeps asking me 'why, what's wrong?' I've been as graceful as I can but I swear the next time she askes me this I'm going to lose it on her. Okay, I'm admitting I'm jealous of her perfect life but does she have to be so mean as to act like she has no idea of what I've been experiencing!

Separation - I feel separate from others because I don't feel like anyone understands what I'm experiencing. 

Dishonesty - I do my very best to be honest at all times in all situation however as the wonderful older woman in the movie 'Titanic' said 'A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets.' I don't have that many and if you wish to ask I'll tell you but is that being dishonest or is it just keeping a secret? Where I am most dishonest is where rather than telling the blinding truth I withhold as not to rock the boat. Gee, and I wonder why my throat chakra is where the cancer attacked. How many words have I swallowed over the years?

Inferiority -  Since getting cancer I do feel inferior. I feel like I'm now part of the Cancer Club but the one that doesn't offer any support. Because I'm not well I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel less than. 

Embarrassment - I'm so embarrassed that to have cancer. To have on some level invited it into my body. I'm embarrassed that I was unable to fight against the blackness that invaded me. I am embarrassed by the scar on my neck that is a neon sign announcing to the world that I'm not whole and I'm sick. I feel embarrassed by the changes that have taken place in my body and my mind. 

Self-Abnegation - I have done this most of my life. How can I make myself really small so I can fit inside the little box that all these people have made for me? I want so bad to break out of this but I'm stuck in it at the moment. Hopefully for only a moment longer because I'm running out of breathing space and my spirit is diminishing from the lack of light.  

I have no idea where I'm going in the big picture but I pray its into the healing of each of these words. I had to go out this morning in the dark at 5am, -24c, blowing snow and way too many potholes on the roads. It was an intersting way to start my day today but for a moment I knew where I was going. 

A to B and B back to A. One kilometre at a time.  

Happy Be-Lated Valentine's Day everyone!! 

Happy Groundhog Day!

So, according to the groundhogs we are going to have an early spring. Let's hope so because I'm so tired of winter this year. Yes, here in Alberta the sun is shining but its been cold and the snow is deep. All I long for is dry roads, green grass and being on the Harley Fat Boy with the landscape buzzing by and the wind on my face! Lots of unplanned and unstructured road trips planned for this summer. 

I'm unable to go to Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago due to all my health issues this June as I had dreamed of so instead I'll be attending Chuck Spezzano's 5 day course in June in Vancouver, Change Your Mind, Change Your Heart, Change The World. This will be a transformational event for us all as a collective. Listen to your souls calling and attend. Contact Susan How email canada@pov-int.com or call 604-298-4011 or www.pov-int.com

Also, on March 1st Chuck Spezzano will be in Vancouver for and evening lecture and you can purchase tickets via Susan at the contacts above or at Banyan Books in Vancouver. Do not miss this!!!!

I've had a challenging start of 2011 and quite a frustrating one as well. Last June I initially went to the doctor because I had a sore throat. So, 7 months later, 5 doctors, one thyroidectomy and I still have a sore throat. Finally, I convinced a doctor I didn't need medication, what I needed was to know why this is happening so she sent me for another test and low and behold there is something wrong however because the CT didn't show its cancer I've been waiting a month for a date to see an ENT (ear,nose, throat) doctor. I'm so frustrated with the medical system. Considering what I've endured to date I should be able to at least get an appointment but no.

Since the surgery last fall I've been so worn out and have had considerable body aches and pains which because of my history of Rheumatoid I was sent to a Rheumatologist yesterday. I was grateful he was open minded and heard me explain that all I need is a higher dose of Synthroid but of course because my TSH levels are 'normal' the Endrocrinologist doesn't think that is necessary. How is it not necessary when I still have strong symptoms of surpressed thyroid? Errrr..... I'm so angry and feel so powerless. This is not a comfortable place for a powerful woman to be sitting in. I'm just giving it a day or two so when I contact the doctor my words are heard and that I don't sound like the crazy woman I'm becoming.

So, the doc doesn't think I have rheumatoid but is doing some further tests to make sure. He agrees with me that the thyroid drug needs to be increased at least to try and see if it makes a difference. He will write the other doc and see if it makes a difference.

I haven't been checking my blog nor writing much at all but I did check my stats the other day and was so overwhelmed to see that my little blog has reached Canada, the US, the UK, Germany, Spain, Ireland, Italy, Poland, India, Indonesia, France Switzerland, Pakistan, Latvia, Denmark, Australia, Thailand, South Korea, Turkey and Saudia Arabia. Wow!!! The power of the internet that connects us via cyberspace. I also had the blessing of meeting Emily who is 19 and has had thyroid cancer twice and is so brave every day. People continue to brush off those of us with thyroid cancer because according to most people the typical comment is 'Well that's the cancer to have.' Seriously people NO cancer is the cancer to have!! And in case you don't know.... people die of thyroid cancer too so how is that the cancer to have? I am far more sick now than before I found out that I had cancer and I'm far more sick since the surgery that was suppose to make me feel so much better. I don't feel even remotely better or even an iota better. I'm being treated by the blood tests results rather than by how I'm feeling and this is not a correct path of healing. I long to find a doctor who will hear my whole story.

Also, with thyroid cancer its next to impossible to find support. I went to the Cancer Agency for therapy the other day only to be told by the therapist that I'm doing all the right things and here is a pamphlet of activities we offer but all of them are full, sorry. Really, that was absurd and a waste of time. I feel invisible to the world of cancer survivors. Externally I look okay except for the scar that is front and center because when I venture out into the world I try to look good but that's a catch 22 because since I look 'normal' everyone assumes that I'm perfectly healthy and fine but I'm so far from FINE!! There aren't any support groups or walks or clothing lines, etc for thyroid cancer survivors. I've found a few websites but here in the city there is nothing and its really lonely. I'm still suppose to have RAI (the radiation treatment) but can't until I feel stronger and until I find out what is happening with my throat issues and Lord knows how long that will take since I've been swept under the carpet.

I want my life back so badly!! Because of my lack of metabolism I've gained a fair amount of weight which is extremely depressing. But hey.... according to the docs gaining 30lbs over 5 months is nothing to be concerned about!! Come on!!! The stress this has imposed on my body and my psyche has been devastating but hey... my TSH levels are 'normal' so no need to adjust the meds. Total Crap!!

Today I'm on day 3 of lying in bed with I'm pretty sure the worst chest cold I've ever had. I am so incredibly sick and tired of being sick and tired and want so bad to have my life back.  

My commitment this month is to blog more frequently as it does make me feel more connected to the world outside my little home. Spring is on the way and I pray for peace around the world especially in Egypt right now. Talk about a powerless situation. I watch the news and my heart goes out to all Egyptians around the world. My mind this week has been on my sweet friend Melissa of www.epiphanycakes.com  Her heritage is Egyptian and she is beautiful and the most amazing baker and mother!!!

Let's join together and pray for peace worldwide......

Happy New Year!!

I've been at home on the coast for the past couple of weeks and loving it. I left Alberta on Christmas morning and had bare, dry roads all the way to the coast. I'm not a fan of Christmas so it was a fabulous way to spend the day, driving through the mountains with the excitement of going home in my heart.

Tomorrow very early I start the drive back and I'm very sad about it. This is the longest I've been home since I left Vancouver two years ago. Overall its been a good trip, a little sun, a little rain and a whole lot of friendship!! I got over to the Island to see my Dad and his wife and my dear friend Patti and sushi with Michael. I walked along the beach and spent an afternoon wandering through the enormous cedar trees in Cathedral Grove. I was born only a few miles down the road from that amazing forest so my soul always feels at peace when I am near them.

My time in Vancouver has been wonderful especially since I was able to stay in my apartment and look out at the amazing view from my living room of the north shore mountains. The last two days have done nothing but rain. Its dark and dreary but from where I'm sitting I can see a man across the street in the park feeding the birds and even on this gray day it fills my heart with colour. He is out there every day and the birds line up on the electrical wires above patiently waiting for him to toss scraps of bread into the air. Its quite the sight!

I found out the day before I left town that I'm extremely anemic which explains part of why I've been so tired. I saw a Naturopath while here in Vancouver, Dharm Sidhu who is a wonderful dear friend and a wise, wise woman. She has me taking some homeopathics and when I return to Sherwood Park I'll start on a number of other supplements. I desperately long to have my life and vibrancy back!

So, now the task of packing ~ boo-hoo ~ but the good news is that I'll be back. Don't know when but I'll be back. I have alot to accomplish when I return and I hope that this sojourn will have replenished my bones to motivate me. Its a new year and a new time to get going. I have a great deal to be grateful for as I enter this year, alot!

Happy 2011 all of you. May all your dreams come true this year!!  xox

Frustration....

So, a number of you, my dear friends have been asking what happened when I visited the Cross Cancer Institute a couple weeks ago. Well, I haven't written since then because I've been in shock and frustration since.

You see the doctors I met with have told me that the type of radiation treatment I need is called Radio Active Iodine (RAI). This I knew and I knew that its quite intense and that I'll have to be quarantined for a number of days after taking it. I will need to be at least 15 feet away from people at all times. There is a strong chance I'll become quite ill during this time which will be lonely as I won't be able to receive any physical support.

What I didn't know is that to take this treatment there is a medication I need to take which is quite expensive (there are three zero's on this fee) and its one injection! This is the first time in my lifetime that I've came face to face with the truth that health is for the wealthy. The injustice of amount the pharmacuetical companies charge has left me in a state of anger for the past couple weeks. I guess I'm fortunate that I will hopefully only need one injection but there are other people in this world who need very expensive drugs every day. This just seems wrong to me. I'm one of those people in the world who doesn't have extended health benefits that will cover the cost of these drugs so what does one do? Well, at the moment I'm not sure but I know something will shift.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately as this news from the docs took my by surprise and I haven't really felt like writing at all. I have considered not taking the radiation at all but the tumour that was in my thyroid was on the edge which means that when they removed my thyroid there is a chance some cancer cells were left behind. So, what do I do? Do I take a chance that it won't return or not? I don't know and have had sleepless nights pondering this big question.

It's only a couple days from Christmas and I'm preparing to head south to the coast for the holidays. Please pray with me for clear dry roads all the way!

Much love and happy holiday shopping!!! Do your best to stay in peace and out of frustration!

PS - I forgot to add that the docs couldn't tell me why I still had a sore throat that was the original reason I went to the doctor back in June so they are sending me to an Ear Nose Throat specialist and they can't tell me why my body is so stiff and sore so they are sending me to a Rheumatologist. They say that none of these has anything to do with the surgery... hmmmm.... What do they know?? Now there is a question....  ho-hum....

Porcupines and Warmth

'During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold. Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.

But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another. They started to freeze to death again.

So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.

They wisely decided to stay together again. They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other.

And in the end they survived.'  ~ Paulo Coelho

This story was on Paulo Coelho's blog today. I thought it was appropriate not because I have prickly neighbours but because I know I've been prickly in the past (this is a polite way for me to say that it's true I've been a Bitch at least once or a number of times in my lifetime). Also, I liked the picture of the cute porcupines!

Today is the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death. I can still clearly remember standing in my aunt's kitchen in Calgary talking on the phone to my boyfriend who was in Prince George. I had been sent to live with my aunt, my mother's sister and her family because I was 'bad'. Not really but my parents didn't know how to deal with a free thinker so they sent me away. It was the worst 40 days of my teenage years!

My boyfriend (TS) and I were on the phone because we were developing my get-away plan. I was running away, back home the next day. While we were on the phone the news of John Lennon came across the TV screen in front of me. It was really shocking and heartbreaking! I still don't understand that level of unnecessary violence but I don't understand violence at all. I did escape the next day and of course was caught and severely reprimanded but I did get to go back to my high school and be with my friends and my boyfriend.

My mother passed away 6 years later and my aunt and her family stopped communicating with us. How tragic because as children my cousins, her children and my sisters and I were quite close. I guess the grief my aunt felt of my mothers death and the blame she placed upon us was too much for her to continue civil communication. She only lives 3 hours from me now and even just last weekend when I drove through Calgary I thought I should stop in and knock on her door and say hello. How does one react after being so prickly for 24 years? There is so much more to this story but I'd hate to bore you all with the details which only add up to family dysfunction, deep painful stories hidden away for over 50 years, grief and more grief. I would however love to video her reaction to seeing me on her doorstep! Sorry the evil side of my mind just opened up, she says with a sly smile.

As for the boyfriend from way back when we live only minutes away from each other but he will not speak to me even though I've tried. It's me that owes him an amend and I hope that one day he will allow me to stand in front of him and apologize. I wasn't super nasty but I could have been more kind at a difficult time in his life and I was insensitive to that and for that I'm so, so sorry.

I am going to the Cross Cancer Institute tomorrow morning for a doctors appointment. I'm already very stressed about this appointment because I have a feeling that I will not be heard as I have already experienced on this journey. Did I tell you that a few weeks ago I saw the surgeon who operated on me and he was going on about how I never have to worry about having cancer again blah, blah, blah as my test results are so incredibly positive. Well.... I leaned forward, looked at the computer screen and pointed out to him that they were test results from 2008 and that he was reading off of another patient's file. My test results hadn't even came back from the lab!! Since we are still in the midst of Hanukkah my only response to this is 'Oy'!

As the Christmas season is upon us let's all try to enjoy and not allow our prickly sides to be revealed. Remember the important thing is warmth given by you to another so keep the pricklies in check! I think we all have enough wounds and scars from holidays past we don't need to create new ones!!

Blessings and warmth! xo

Meditation and Knitting

Thursday, December 2nd..... not much to say except I'm still extremely grateful that I'm not working!!! I would love to never go back to work doing anything ever again!! Although not having any daily structure can be difficult in getting anything important done but I love floating through the day.

The last couple days I've committed myself to setting my alarm and waking up regardless if I've slept all night or not. I've not only woken up but I've gotten out of bed, did some yoga, did my meditations (Sopurkhs - 31min, Ad Such - 11min but working up to 62min and Har - 3min ~ I know this means nothing to most of you but my Kundalini Yogi friends all have commentary going on in their minds while reading this - LOL!). I've re-committed for the next 40 days. I also bounced on my re-bounder for 15 minutes and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. No I didn't crawl back into bed till later in the afternoon when I laid down at 2 yesterday and didn't get up again till after 5pm but a really good old movie was on. Remember Midnight Express with Brad Davis? I think I've seen it at least 20+ times now. Still not as much as I've watched Bridges of Madison County, of which I've lost count but its gotta be closer to 30+. Just a romantic at heart! After watching Midnight Express I did what most non-working women of my generation do at 4pm, we watch Young and the Restless. I've been watching it most of my life. What on earth would I do without Victor Newman in my world!

Yesterday morning I went to the Cross Cancer Institute here in Edmonton for the first time. Apparently its one of the leading cancer clinics in North America. I went because I have an appointment with the docs there next week and I had to sit through this information session which I'm sure was informative to some but for me it was a painful 1.5hours. I realize that they have to talk at the level of the lowest common denominator but thankfully I had meditated in the morning and brought some calmness along with me. I also brought my friend JMcM with me who was a champ and didn't complain at all. Thank you so much for all of your patience through this!

I don't know what will happen next week at the appointment but I'm sure they'll discuss with me the option of radiation and at this point I really don't know what to do. If I take the Radio Active Iodine (RAI) it could be a rather intense process and I'm just starting to feel better. The RAI is taken orally and then depending upon the dose given you have to be quarantined for a number of days. I should add that prior to taking RAI I'd have to go on a low-iodine diet and stop the Synthroid medication (which means my energy will plummet again - ugh!) two weeks prior to being scanned to determine the dose of RAI to be given. From there once I take the RAI then as I mentioned I'd have to be quarantined for a certain number of days which vary from a few to 11. The clothes worn during this time must be burned after as well as bed sheets. I'd be using the same dishes each day as not to contaminate others and the toilet will need to be flushed at least twice after each use as its through body excrement, perspiration and other body fluids that the RAI leaves the body. Pretty freaky that I'll be glowing in the dark.

Its also very hard on the immune system however it ensures that any cancerous cells left behind after surgery will be killed. When the thyroid is removed they cannot take all the tissue so this is how to make sure I'm cancer free or .... I take a chance and trust that all is good. I don't know. I really don't know hence my re-commitment to meditation so I take the time each day to listen to the voice of my God inside me. I love that line that 'prayer is when we talk to God and meditation is when we listen.'

I went to yoga class the other night for the first time in nearly forever! It was so lovely and a strong reminder of how much I miss my community. Its very lonely up here in the north. I have lots of support and I'm grateful for my friends here, please don't get me wrong but when I'm in class and we begin with the Adi Mantra my heart opens and I melt.

My plan is to be on the coast for New Year's Eve, my most favourite day of the year and I hope to connect with my pals there. I don't know where I'll be for Christmas, maybe I'll be driving south or maybe I'll be here watching movies and eating popcorn and just waiting for the day to pass. (I'm not a fan of Christmas, never really have been). I was suppose to make the trek up to Fort McMurray yesterday but plans changes so instead I'm going to Golden tomorrow. I love being near the mountains! I can't wait!!

Today I'm going to work on my list of things to do and continue to enjoy my day which started out so sweet. As this month tends to be a hectic one for most everyone I encourage all of you to schedule in a few minutes a day to stop and feel your heartbeat and remember that you above all are the most important being on the planet. Do it right now. Find your pulse on your wrist and with each beat of your heart mentally and quietly say the words 'Sat Nam'. This means 'truth is my name, truth is my identity.' (or say anything that speaks to you like 'I love you' or 'You are beautiful') It will envoke a connection back to your truth of your authentic self which is so bountiful, blissful and beautiful. (Oh, I wish someone would teach me how to add a music URL and I'd have that song playing for you on here right now. I'll put that back on my wish list. My wish is for a Blogspot mentor!)

Well, I'm off to have a shower, run a couple errands and knit, knit, knit. Yup, I'm a knitter who would have guessed that! Its one of the most meditative, calming things for me to do. When I knit all is right with the world. Its also a great thing to do while listening to music or audio books and its also my guilt free TV watching activity.

Have a fabulous day! Sat Nam!

Time and Relationship

I can't believe its been 10 days since my last blog entry. Where does the time go when you aren't doing anything?

Not much has happened in the past 10 days. Let's see.... I've slept and I haven't slept. I put Michelin X-Ice tires on my car (Wow! What a difference they make driving in the snow!!) I've been on 2 short roadtrips, was planning a big one to Kamloops but decided that was too ambitious so I stayed put. I miss being there at the workshop as I was so longing to connect with my community but I just couldn't push myself there. I may be going on another short one this weekend and might make my first trip to Fort McMurray next week just for a quick overnight. I've managed to get myself on the treadmill almost everyday for at least 20 minutes at a time. I'm eating better but still not well enough. (I'm so hard on myself-LOL!) I've somehow gained a few inches over the last couple months but what can you expect when you have zero metabolism. Its a wee bit depressing but I'm determined not to buy bigger jeans!

Friendship has come to mind lately. I met a friend for coffee last weekend. I've known her for I think 13 years. We've only seen each other a couple times since I moved here but it was so amazing for me to see a friend I have history with. It made me realize how much I've missed my friends during this whole thing. Yes, I've had support but nothing is the same as being held in the arms of an old friend. It's been interesting the people who have come forward to support me and also interesting the ones I haven't heard a word from. The ones I haven't heard from were ironically the ones I thought would be supporting me the most. Funny how crisis pulls people in the opposite direction to which they are needed most. You know who you are and I want you to know that I really miss you!

I have a friend here in Edmonton who only a couple months ago met the man of her dreams. They knew immediately that they were meant for each other and moved in together only after knowing each other a few weeks. This was only a couple months ago. Last week he proposed. This week he received news that he has stage 4 inoperable cancer. They are getting married December 14th with the prayers of miracles that he will survive this news. (Please send your love and prayers to Tanya and Michael. Thank you!)

I'm so happy for them that they found love yet so sad at what they are faced with. Is this where Lord Tennyson steps in and says 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' Or is this where I step in and say 'What the hell!' Here are these wonderful people in the midst of their life just wanting to love and be loved and this is what happens only a couple months into their relationship? Its crazy and feels so unfair.

Sometimes people meet and all the stars are aligned absolutely perfectly and sometimes they aren't. I remember a day when I met someone and I was convinced it was divine, so meant to be. I thought it was all so perfect and that he was my ever-after but my bubble only lasted a few weeks before it was pierced with reality that he didn't feel the same way and it was over. Since then I've been looking for relationship. I haven't made a career out of it but I've been open to the possibility. Yes, I've dated and loved but I'm so cautious of being heartbroken again that I've become very withholding of my heart. Is that the right thing to do or the wrong? I don't know anymore. I do know that I won't jump again like I did that day in May. That last heartbreak changed me so much. In the healing process I think I grew up a little bit. Yes, I'm still a little girl who believes in the knight on the horse but the grown up me unfortunately has become cynical and barely believes in peoples ability to commit and be faithful, honest and true. I have relationship knocking on my door and I've even gone out and played but I've had to put me first and my healing forefront and that hasn't been easy for me to do. I'm always the one to give more than receive so this has been a difficult shift and receive more than I'm giving but its been important and necessary that I put myself first this one time. Unfortunately, not all parties believe this is correct protocol and are not willing to be patient and move forward slowly so here I continue to be single at 46.

Today I'm not sure what God's plan is for me but I do know its time for me to get my butt on the treadmill and out of the pity-pot I'm sliding into. Okay, Laara snap out of it and refocus! Get on the treadmill, make those phone calls you have been putting off all week, mail those letters, pay that bill, and start that exam that has been sitting in front of you for the past 6 months!! As line three of the 5 Sutras of the Aquarian Age states, 'When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.' Let's hope because the pressure today is really intense and it's squeezing my heart closed. Today I will drop into the truth and peace of my divine soul ~ DevAtma (DevAtma is my spiritual name given to me by my teacher Yogi Bhajan. It means Divine Soul.)

                                        5 Sutras of the Aquarian Age

• Understand through compassion; otherwise you might misunderstand the times.
• Recognize that the other person is you.
• When the time is on you, start and the pressure will be off.
• There is a way through every block.
• Vibrate the cosmos; the cosmos shall clear the path.  

The Pill

It's 6:15am and I've been awake since 2. How is it possible to be so incredibly exhausted yet I can't sleep? I thought of taking sleeping drugs before going to bed last night but I'm not really one to take pills other than the tiny pale yellow pill that sits in a translucent blue vile with its companions on my nightstand. Everyday I put it in my mouth and swallow with a mouthful of lukewarm water and wonder in silent prayer that maybe today will be the day that this synthetic man made powdered mixture that's pressed into an eighth of an inch round pill with its Robertson slotted screw stamp across its face for easy breakage that is suppose to act as a substitute for my thyroid gland will start working. That is the only drug I want to take and it has become my God. That little pill that is hopefully going to restore my energy level so I can function again. That little pill that will restore me to sanity.

It's six weeks tomorrow. Six weeks of feeling like crap. I thought I was getting better and yes, in many ways I'm way better than I was the week after surgery but I'm no where near myself. I tried to socialize a bit last week for the first time. Had lunch with friends, had coffee. I've even dated in the past couple months but got ditched because I wasn't giving enough to him. Oops, sorry. I'm just a little tired right now and my priority right now isn't relationship. It's getting out of bed, having a shower (one where I even wash my hair), getting dressed and not falling back into bed after I've done all that.

Daily depression is knocking at my door and I'm doing my best not to answer. I just don't know how to deal with this level of exhaustion. Yes, I rest. Yes, do my best to be gentle but I'm not able to do anything for more than a few hours at a time. What do I do the rest of the time? I sleep on and off, I eat as healthy as possible but cooking is a huge task, I read and I watch TV. How long will I feel like this? No one knows. So, was the tumour removed yes. Am I cancer free? I won't know for a couple more months. Do I feel better? Hell NO!

Yesterday I was suppose to go and have my blood tested again so my new Endocrinologist can decide if he should increase the dosage or not but I didn't have the energy to get to the lab. I went to the post office first and that was all I could do. So, now I'm wondering do I go now since its open and there most likely won't be a line up of other sickies waiting for tests of some sort or am I a danger to myself and others driving in my state sleep deprivation. I think I'll stay here and hopefully sleep will come to me even for a few hours. My prayer is that the doc will give the go ahead for me to advance to the teal or the blue pill that are higher dosages which in turn may mean more energy. Oh please God!

Sorry I don't have anything more pleasant to say today. I'm just so tired of being tired.......

11:11:10~Ugh!

I woke up this morning depressed. I felt like I was doing really well. I had gone on a roadtrip last weekend. Socialized. Had a really good time. Even went to a pub with friends. Yesterday had lunch with my massage therapist buddies who I adore and miss so much. But by the time I got home at 4pm I laid down on the couch and immediately fell asleep. Woke an hour later groggy. Had dinner and was in bed by 9pm for an episode of Survivor and a little macabre with an hour of Criminal Minds. I woke at 8:14am and on my way to the bathroom felt a tear roll down my face. WHY? I'm not sad! But why am I depressed? I, of course should'nt have looked at the Thyroid Cancer websites this morning, its only a reminder of what still lies ahead.

My body is achy, my hair dry, my incision - so hard for me to look at. I've gained at least 10+lbs this past month. Nothing fits. I should just get up right this minute and go downstairs and take a ride on the treadmill Megan, my roommate bought last weekend (thank you!). Even 10 minutes and some really good iPod music will change my state of mind. But for how long? That is the depressing part. I want the change to be longer than a few minutes.

My mind is so fogged. I have so much to deal with. Let's start the list with the mountain of clothes clean and dirty all over the floor that I can't pick up. There's the stack of papers to sort through and receipts to submit for benefit reimbursement. Cash in hand should be the motivation to get that sorted but I just can't seem to do it. Nor can I seem to do anything. I can fill and empty the dishwasher and on a good day wipe the counters but the bathroom needs to be done and every morning as I brush my teeth I swear today will be the day... its been weeks and the filth growing.

Its a sunny day. Fresh and bright. Maybe I should just put on my sweats and walk outside in the crisp morning air -6C. Not that cold but maybe too cold. I was freezing last night before I went to sleep but was too tired to put on socks. Woke up in a sweat. Freezing, sweating, freezing, sweating. Happy, sad, happy, sad. Optimistic, pessimistic, optimistic pessimistic. Suddenly I have Katy Perry screaming in my ears -

'You... change your mind
Like a girl... changes clothes
Yeah you... PMS
Like a bitch... I would know
And you ... over think
Always speak ... cryptically
I should know ... that you're no good for me!

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We... used to be
Just like twins... so in sync
The same... energy
Now's a dead... battery
Used to laugh... 'bout nothing
Now your plain... boring
I should know... that you're not gonna change!

Someone... call the doctor
Got a case of love bi-polar
Stuck on a... roller coaster
Can't get off this ride.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up'

I used to think this song was only for a boyfriend who couldn't make up his mind to be with me or not, he chose not (silly boy), too bad so sad but now its all about the internal battle going on with my psyche, hormones, body temperature, blood pressure, weight ~ ugh! and energy! Up, down, on, off, hot. cold, want to, don't want to... F--ck!! I feel like I'm going a wee bit mad!

Okay - it's 9:34am and I'm going to pull myself up out of bed and put on my sweats and go downstairs and put those little earbuds in my ears which will magically play some delicious piece of music that will uplift my spirits and will motivate my feet to start taking steps forward.

Oh Happy Day! And on this day that we are meant to take time to remember all who have lost their lives in the many wars our world has and IS witnessing. In my madness today I will stop at 11:11am and hold in my heart a prayer for all who are suffering and have suffered for my freedom. God Bless.

PS - Along the Camino de Santiago, the pilgrimage across Northern Spain in the months of June and July there are many fields of poppies and the path is lined with them. The thought of those smiling flowers is inspiring me to get up and go for a walk. It's amazing where the inspiration comes from. Doesn't matter though, I'll take it as it comes. Today look around for those small signs of inspiration that motivate you to do something you have been putting off. Remember life is short and valuable - ask a veteran if you are unsure of that.

The Fire of Friendship

Just like a few days ago I took at look at Paulo Coelho’s blog this morning and once again he has inspired me. Today his 20 second read was this....

‘Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali. He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.

One winter’s night Ammar said: “Nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food. But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward. If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.

Ali answered: “Tomorrow I shall do this test”.

But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.

After reflecting a while, Aydi answered: “I shall help you. Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead. I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you. You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm. You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.”

Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house: “You told me you wanted some payment.”

Aydi answered: ”Yes, but it isn’t money. Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”   (in “The Aleph”, to be published world wide in 2011)’

Just before reading this today I called my friend Patti who lives on Vancouver Island. I was barely awake but I listened to the urge to call her. We met in 1982. I have a zillion adventure stories of the life and times of Patti and I.

When I met Patti we were just 18 and her mom was the first cancer survivor I had met. Edna had survived breast cancer and had a mastectomy. I had never met anyone who had gone through this and I so admired her strength. This woman had 3 boys and Patti. She had left her marriage, put herself through school and worked her way up to being a Justice of the Peace while raising 4 children on her own and surviving a terrible illness. Edna soon found out that my Mom had her issues and she took me under her wing and called herself Mom #2. I loved knowing she was there for me but having grown up without the guidance of a mom I didn’t know how to openly receive all that Edna was offering to me so I stood back. Over the years Patti and I drifted apart as did my relationship to Edna. Fortunately Patti and I did became close again in 2004 which was just months prior to cancer finally taking Edna’s life. Edna struggled with cancer for over 23 years. I miss her and the time lost that I could have been with her but she never fails to remind me to keep up and that no matter what obstacles stand in the way keep going forward.

Patti and I are very close today as I am with number of other amazing women. I continue to find it curious though that I always seem to have young girls in my life. Many of my friends are of my age or thereabouts and a few older but the young women in my life keep showing up and I'm so grateful for the gifts they give me.

Years ago it started with Caitlin, who because of the countless hours we spent together while I was in relationship with her father became the closest to my raising a child as I will ever have. I cherish those memories and am so proud of the woman she is today and the small part I played in her life.

Then there has been Skylar, my friend Jill’s daughter who is so tiny but carries with her the largest heart of gold. Sky was born to serve and does so with such grace and kindness.

There is Robyn, who I can’t wait to see on Saturday Night Live one day as she is talented beyond her own ability to see and is so, so wise and funny.

Lhasaja, who is the most extraordinary priestess and courageous soul! Seriously, can one woman be more beautiful than Lhasaja! Stunning is the only word.

There is Megan who has been my roommate for over a year now and who I admire beyond words. There is nothing she can’t do and her wisdom and wit impress me constantly. Maybe its because we are both Pisces that we are able to swim in the house together without the barrier of age. I’m continuously grateful to her and her family for always being so kind to me and giving me such a cozy place to call home. (Did you know she came it 2nd in the 2010 RedBull Crashed Ice competition in Quebec City last March?! She is nothing short of amazing!)

There is Avtar who is my step-daughter. I love her ability to see who she is and to get on stage and sing her heart out and spontaneously decide to move from the comforts of LA to New York. She is so brave, worldly and gifted and so real.

I have a new young friend Taylor who is so smart! She is studying journalism and I know that she is going to BE someone, someone who will go out into the world and make a difference for all of us.

And there is Neisa. Neisa is the niece of a friend (the Knight) and although we have only met a couple of times at her grandparents home we have kept in touch via the world’s greatest time waster - FaceBook. I have had a considerable amount of support over the past couple months since I first announced that I had cancer but I have to say the words that 17 year old Neisa would send to me touched me profoundly. She kept my spirits up each time I felt them fall. I haven’t seen her for so long but hope to make a road trip soon to see her and give her a great big hug of gratitude in person. Neisa told me once that she has dreams of being a songwriter. Maybe that dream has changed but her words are music that pull on my heart strings and uplift my soul.

What I love the most about all these young women is that they don’t know how much inspiration they offer me and I feel so honoured to know them.

I’m extremely blessed to have friends all over the globe and I’m so sorry I’ve been failing badly at keeping in touch. I have been slipping into the depths of depression which I’m sure is due to the exhaustion and lack of hormone regulator and I haven’t felt like talking to anyone or sharing with anyone especially the truth of how I’ve been feeling. I've been thinking of the 12 Steps lately - Step 1 - I’m powerless over - having cancer and having had my thyroid removed - and my life has become unmanageable. Step 2 - I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. This would be that voice inside me that permits me relaxation and stillness and to not push beyond my limitations of the moment. Soon it will bring me back to sanity, hopefully. So, please forgive me for not returning phone calls, emails, FaceBook messages, blog comments, text messages, etc. I just haven’t had the energy but I will. I will respond just give me a little more time.

I’m so grateful to you all for reaching out to me while this cold wind is passing through my life and you are keeping the fire lit. I want you to know that I will always do the same for you and I’ll never forget your kindness towards me.

Today as I take time to clean the house and pack for my road trip to Golden, BC tomorrow I will hold a flame that lights the fire of friendship for all of you who are holding me up. Your task to day is to remember all the friends in your life for who you keep a fire lit for its more important to keep the fire lit than to be the one looking into the fire. Give and you will be kept warm in the arms of friendship.

Bless you!!

Putting the Words Together....

I've had an exhausting week. Just very, very tired but I'm forging on and going on an adventure today. I'm slow to start, its 12:20pm Mountain Time. Actually every day out of my pj's and out of the house seems to be an adventure lately!

I have so much to say that I'm hoping that on this short drive I'll be able to collect my jumbled thoughts and form them into something inspiring for all of you.

I'm in good spirits overall but WOW! its shocking how fast the tiredness can slam into me and the sadness can leap forward like an old friend playing a prank and hiding in the dark corner waiting for that right moment to jump into the light and scare the crap out of me! And it does scare me, not the depths of it all but the suddenness of it (is that a word?). I can be going along and feeling good and then WHAM! I need to lie down right away. It's the most bizarre feeling not to be able to push through for even a few minutes.

It's a bleak gray day here, 0C. Perfect for a wee road trip and lots of tunes and audiobooks on my new iTouch - 32G!! xo

If I Had to Live My Life Over Again....

I woke up early this morning after FINALLY sleeping more than a few hours straight and I've already watched the latest episode of Dexter on my computer. Nothing like a little darkside of Dexter to start the week off right! Yesterday I was so completely depleted of energy I could barely get from bed to the bathroom. It was rather depressing. Even though there is the first snow of the year on the ground this morning here in Northern Alberta I'm happy to be awake and feeling more rested.

So, here I am trying to think of what to write and I look at my favourite author Paulo Coelho's blog (authour of The Pilgrimage, The Alchemist, The Valkryies, The Witch of Portobello and more!) and he has this wonderful One Minute Read and I thought I would share it with you.

From Paulo's Blog:

Of course, you can’t unfry an egg, but there is no law against thinking about it.
If I had my life to live over, I would try to make more mistakes.
I would relax. I know of very few things that I would take seriously.
I would go more places. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less bran.
I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary troubles.
You see, I have been one of those fellows who live prudently and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I have had my moments. But if I had it to do over again, I would have more of them – a lot more.
I never go anywhere without a thermometer, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do over, I would travel lighter.
If I had my life to live over, I would pay less attention to people telling us we must learn Latin or History; otherwise we will be disgraced and ruined and flunked and failed.
I would seek out more teachers who inspire relaxation and fun.
If I had my life to live over, I would start barefooted a little earlier in the spring and stay that way a little later in the fall.
I would shoot more paper wads at my teachers.
I would keep later hours.
I’d have more sweethearts.
I would go to more circuses.
I would be carefree as long as I could, or at least until I got some care- instead of having my cares in advance.
I doubt, however, that I’ll do much damage with my creed.
The opposition is too strong.
There are too many serious people trying to get everybody else to be too darned serious.

If I, Laara had to live my life over again I would do all of the above and I would take even more risks than what I already have.
I would care less about what people thought and I would spend less money on things and more on adventure.
I would choose a backpack as my home and choose hiking shoes and flip flops over heels (even though I love, love, love my spikey heeled boots especially my Browns!)
I would not be afraid to be alone and I would give myself more permission to lie in the grass and stare at the sky and daydream.
I would have had children (lots of them) and carried them with me all over the world and I would have said all I regret not saying.
If I had to live my life over again I would have paid more attention in school and learned a second language.
I would have never gotten married and I would have given my heart completely. 
I would laugh more and mourn less and I would have hugged my Mom more.
If I had to live my life over again I would never have come home from Spain and I would live part-time in India serving.
I would appreciate all beings even when I'm irritated and I would practice the Art of Joining more frequently.
I would value every moment in meditation and prayer and not look at it as a chore but as a gift of soulful communication with the Divine.
If I had to live my life over I would be HEALTHY, HAPPY AND HOLY!

So, today as I spend the day inside and warm from the cold I am going to do this. As of this moment I swear I'm going to live my life over again and I'm going to begin to shed the layers of oppression that has held me in a shell of bondage for too long.

Today indulge in thinking of the things in your life you wish to change large or small and by the end of day change one thing and remember to smile for today you are alive and have the ability to BE the change you wish to see in the world! Also, share this with those around you and let's see as a collective joined together by thought and dream the happy world we can create!!

All my love!! xo

PS - I'm trying to figure out how to create a RSS Feed for my blog and add a music URL. Anyone with knowledge of how to do this please help this computer geek. Thank you!