I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
__________________________________
in Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton
In her book Marianne talks about this list of words and I've chosen some of them to express how I feel about having thyroid cancer. This has been a deep process over the past couple days and I'm hoping that as I continue to process this through this medium and with my confidents a shift will take place that will free me and my soul.
Shame - I feel shame for not being strong or healthy enough to fend off this illness in my body.
Anger - I feel angry with myself for getting sick and not being able to come back to health immediately. I'm also angry with the lack of support from the medical system and from a few people who I reached out to and asked for their support but haven't heard a word from.
Self-Sabbatoge - I have self-sabbatoged myself by not pushing myself forward regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm currently self-sabbatoging by not working on my project everyday and pushing myself to complete the last 40%. (I can't disclose what this project is just yet but I will soon.)
Fear - I have fear that I won't ever come back from having my thyroid removed. That my vitality and energy will never return. I have fear of the future. I have fear of the cancer returning. I have fear of what the drug I take everyday does to my body. I have fear that I won't complete the project I've been working on for the past 10 years. I have fear of being ordinary.
Unforgiveness - Oh yes! I admit I hold unforgiveness in the form of resentment. Today I hold resentment for someone who broke my heart awhile ago. Somedays its not there but today its creeped in again. I hold unforgiveness of broken promises. I hold resentment for all the times I didn't allow myself to be seen and for all the times I shrunk so I could 'fit in'. I have unforgiveness with my body for giving me so much grief for too long.
Judgement - I have judgement on a woman I reached out to last summer. I called her and asked for her support as at that time I didn't know I had cancer but I knew something was terribly wrong and I was scared and about to enter on a long, difficult path. She said she would support me yet I haven't heard a word from her since. I have judgement on her giving her word yet not acting on it.
Excessive Responsibility - Because I've spent so much of my adult life as a single serving life I feel that I have alot of responsibility to do it all and do it well. Most of the time only some of it gets done half-assed and then the weight of the guilt for not being more enters in and paralyzes me. I feel excessive responsibility to heal myself.
Pressure - I feel a great deal of pressure to look strong and healthy all the time even though most of the time I want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep. I feel the pressure to keep up with other's schedules and activities even though I really can't. I feel the pressure to have an answer about what I plan to do with the rest of my life but I don't know. I really don't know.
Exhaustion - I feel it constantly.
Burden - I'm burdend by heartbreak. Heartbreak that goes back to childhood all the way up to the last one which was last year that scarred me for life. I'm burdened by this because although I want to give my heart completely I hold back in fear of being hurt again and even though the weight is sometimes too much to carry my fear is greater. If I was to release my burdens I just might float away.
Stress - hell ya!
Heartbreak - Although most of my heartbreak is about past relationships I also have deep heartbreak for the loss of my thyroid. I have a hollow, tender spot in my throat where it once laid and now its gone, cut into little pieces and incinerated, gone. Like losing a partner once its gone my life won't ever be the same and that breaks my heart.
Injustice - I feel wronged that I got cancer. I feel its wrong that it happens to anyone. I feel its an injustice that illness exists, that our bodies change, that our schedules change that our dreams have to be altered. Its not fair and its wrong.
Jealousy - I feel jealous of a select few who wonder through the world untouched by anything negative. They are the ones financially comfortable, relationship is glorious, family healthy, etc. I have a 'friend' who unconsciously keeps telling me how wonderful her life is while I'm struggling and when I say I can't participate in something she keeps asking me 'why, what's wrong?' I've been as graceful as I can but I swear the next time she askes me this I'm going to lose it on her. Okay, I'm admitting I'm jealous of her perfect life but does she have to be so mean as to act like she has no idea of what I've been experiencing!
Separation - I feel separate from others because I don't feel like anyone understands what I'm experiencing.
Dishonesty - I do my very best to be honest at all times in all situation however as the wonderful older woman in the movie 'Titanic' said 'A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets.' I don't have that many and if you wish to ask I'll tell you but is that being dishonest or is it just keeping a secret? Where I am most dishonest is where rather than telling the blinding truth I withhold as not to rock the boat. Gee, and I wonder why my throat chakra is where the cancer attacked. How many words have I swallowed over the years?
Inferiority - Since getting cancer I do feel inferior. I feel like I'm now part of the Cancer Club but the one that doesn't offer any support. Because I'm not well I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel less than.
Embarrassment - I'm so embarrassed that to have cancer. To have on some level invited it into my body. I'm embarrassed that I was unable to fight against the blackness that invaded me. I am embarrassed by the scar on my neck that is a neon sign announcing to the world that I'm not whole and I'm sick. I feel embarrassed by the changes that have taken place in my body and my mind.
Self-Abnegation - I have done this most of my life. How can I make myself really small so I can fit inside the little box that all these people have made for me? I want so bad to break out of this but I'm stuck in it at the moment. Hopefully for only a moment longer because I'm running out of breathing space and my spirit is diminishing from the lack of light.
I have no idea where I'm going in the big picture but I pray its into the healing of each of these words. I had to go out this morning in the dark at 5am, -24c, blowing snow and way too many potholes on the roads. It was an intersting way to start my day today but for a moment I knew where I was going.
A to B and B back to A. One kilometre at a time.
Happy Be-Lated Valentine's Day everyone!!
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