11:11:10~Ugh!

I woke up this morning depressed. I felt like I was doing really well. I had gone on a roadtrip last weekend. Socialized. Had a really good time. Even went to a pub with friends. Yesterday had lunch with my massage therapist buddies who I adore and miss so much. But by the time I got home at 4pm I laid down on the couch and immediately fell asleep. Woke an hour later groggy. Had dinner and was in bed by 9pm for an episode of Survivor and a little macabre with an hour of Criminal Minds. I woke at 8:14am and on my way to the bathroom felt a tear roll down my face. WHY? I'm not sad! But why am I depressed? I, of course should'nt have looked at the Thyroid Cancer websites this morning, its only a reminder of what still lies ahead.

My body is achy, my hair dry, my incision - so hard for me to look at. I've gained at least 10+lbs this past month. Nothing fits. I should just get up right this minute and go downstairs and take a ride on the treadmill Megan, my roommate bought last weekend (thank you!). Even 10 minutes and some really good iPod music will change my state of mind. But for how long? That is the depressing part. I want the change to be longer than a few minutes.

My mind is so fogged. I have so much to deal with. Let's start the list with the mountain of clothes clean and dirty all over the floor that I can't pick up. There's the stack of papers to sort through and receipts to submit for benefit reimbursement. Cash in hand should be the motivation to get that sorted but I just can't seem to do it. Nor can I seem to do anything. I can fill and empty the dishwasher and on a good day wipe the counters but the bathroom needs to be done and every morning as I brush my teeth I swear today will be the day... its been weeks and the filth growing.

Its a sunny day. Fresh and bright. Maybe I should just put on my sweats and walk outside in the crisp morning air -6C. Not that cold but maybe too cold. I was freezing last night before I went to sleep but was too tired to put on socks. Woke up in a sweat. Freezing, sweating, freezing, sweating. Happy, sad, happy, sad. Optimistic, pessimistic, optimistic pessimistic. Suddenly I have Katy Perry screaming in my ears -

'You... change your mind
Like a girl... changes clothes
Yeah you... PMS
Like a bitch... I would know
And you ... over think
Always speak ... cryptically
I should know ... that you're no good for me!

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We... used to be
Just like twins... so in sync
The same... energy
Now's a dead... battery
Used to laugh... 'bout nothing
Now your plain... boring
I should know... that you're not gonna change!

Someone... call the doctor
Got a case of love bi-polar
Stuck on a... roller coaster
Can't get off this ride.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up'

I used to think this song was only for a boyfriend who couldn't make up his mind to be with me or not, he chose not (silly boy), too bad so sad but now its all about the internal battle going on with my psyche, hormones, body temperature, blood pressure, weight ~ ugh! and energy! Up, down, on, off, hot. cold, want to, don't want to... F--ck!! I feel like I'm going a wee bit mad!

Okay - it's 9:34am and I'm going to pull myself up out of bed and put on my sweats and go downstairs and put those little earbuds in my ears which will magically play some delicious piece of music that will uplift my spirits and will motivate my feet to start taking steps forward.

Oh Happy Day! And on this day that we are meant to take time to remember all who have lost their lives in the many wars our world has and IS witnessing. In my madness today I will stop at 11:11am and hold in my heart a prayer for all who are suffering and have suffered for my freedom. God Bless.

PS - Along the Camino de Santiago, the pilgrimage across Northern Spain in the months of June and July there are many fields of poppies and the path is lined with them. The thought of those smiling flowers is inspiring me to get up and go for a walk. It's amazing where the inspiration comes from. Doesn't matter though, I'll take it as it comes. Today look around for those small signs of inspiration that motivate you to do something you have been putting off. Remember life is short and valuable - ask a veteran if you are unsure of that.