Who Are You?

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I haven't felt like writing for the past few weeks. Winter here in the north has just gone on for too long and I wasn't really feeling depressed but more uninspired about most everything. The weather is warming but only to a great high of 8 celcius today. For me the sunny sky and 8 degrees was enough to get me out for a long walk this evening. I had wanted to go swimming but I decided it would be better to take advantage of the reprieve from the cold and get outside. I've definitely had a case of cabin fever this past month so a long walk was exactly what I needed today!

Walking this evening I chose to bring Eckhart Tolle along with me. Sometimes I listen to music when I'm walking outside or on the treadmill but most of the time I prefer to listen to books either fiction or non-fiction I find it gives my busy mind something to attach to and keeps helps me relax as I walk. As I was walking and listening my mind did wander and went back to an inspiring marathon phone conversation I had today with my friend Patti. My friendship with Patti spans 29 years! There isn't much we don't know about each other and there isn't much we don't share.

Today we moaned over a few grievances we are experiencing. Some might call it bitch and moan but today we only moaned. Then we moved on to discussing our aging parents and the challenges and emotions surrounding this. We spent a few minutes discussing boys because girls at any age must discuss boys its just a fact and something we all do whether we admit it or not but then our conversation turned to something of great sustenance for us both. When there is enough skimming off the top of the overflowing pot of daily crap that gets built up over time and just needs to be talked about and cleared then and only then can you get to the good stuff, the sweet, meaty, juiciness of true heartfelt conversation.

Our conversation turned in this direction when Patti asked me, 'If the Creator (God, Goddess, Universal Energy, whatever you are comfortable calling it) showed up right now and asked you, 'Who are you?' What would you say?'

Immediately the westernized North American in me when asked that question of 'who are you', 'what do you do' wanted to respond with my job title. I'm a Massage Therapist, I'm a Teacher, I'm .... I'm.... my mind then began to race like ants on an anthill, scurrying in a thousand different directions 'What am I? Panic... panic... what am I?

I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, I'm a girlfriend. I'm a Survivor of Suicide (meaning a close relative died by suicide). I'm a Cancer Survivor.

My human Self neutrally stated, 'I am Human.' Very simply stated. I am, I am!

I could see me climbing onto my soapbox and beating my puffed out chest like a female version of King Kong, 'I am Woman.'

My Goddess Self breezed forward with sweet seductiveness 'I am the Goddess.'

The spiritual holier than thou Self came forward and said I am, 'DevAtma, the Divine Soul.' (DevAtma Kaur is my spiritual name given to me by my spiritual teacher Yogi Bhajan, the Master of Kundalini Yoga 15 years ago last month and it does mean Divine Soul).

I cannot answer what most women my age answer and that is 'I'm a mother' because I am not. I'm sorry but I have to sidebar on this one....

Being a woman in my late 40's means that I won't have children. I've just simply ran out of time. It's probably the most painful, empty place in my heart when I allow myself to go there which isn't often. It isn't that I couldn't have children. It just didn't happen only because I didn't meet a man to have a child with. I never ever wanted to be a single parent and although I am saddened that I don't have children I wouldn't have wanted to do it on my own. I know lots of you have and bravo I know how hard its been for you but it wasn't for me.

There is something that many of you who are mothers are unaware of and that is that there are many of us who are childless who live as invisible women. There is no special holiday for us, no parties where we are celebrated and showered with gifts. When I say that I don't have children especially living here in the land of the nuclear family where almost everyone has children I am looked upon as a foreign object, inhuman and untouchable. I have had people, women turn their back to me when I say I don't have children. The conversation ceases and its as if I've spoken the unspeakable language.

Please don't assume that I don't have children because there is something wrong with me and my body. Please don't assume that I don't have children because I don't like them because I do. Just assume that maybe there was choice involved. I could have gotten pregnant a number of times as I'm not the Virgin Mary but I chose, using my God given intelligence to make different choices than you.

I want all women to know that women of my age are expected to go through the emotions of empty nest but we who are childless carry a gentle ache of emptiness in our pelvis daily where new life was expected to form and be born. Please don't ask for much sympathy of the grief you may feel as your kids go off to college especially if you were unfeeling towards any women who do not have children because of choice or no choice. The pain we feel is deep and real and society has deemed us invisible.

I met a wonderful group of women here in Edmonton called Babes Without Babes and maybe I'll randomly pick a day on the calendar and name it Babes Without Babes Day and all you mothers, fathers, husbands, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and friends will be expected to bring us flowers and celebrate us because we too do a lot and contribute a lot. Afterall, just because we don't have children does not make us less, we are still feminine and we are still pure, whole and so grateful to be women!

Thank you for letting me rant, now let's go back. If the Creator was to show up today and ask, 'Who are you?' What would I say? I think I would open my arms wide, let my heart expand and with a huge smile on my face I would say,  'I AM LIFE! I AM LOVE!'

If the Creator came to you and asked, 'Who are you?' what would you say? Let me know via this blog or email me at laaradelain@yahoo.ca. I'll post your answers so we can all be inspired.

PS ~ Patti, thank you for your friendship and for our conversation today. I hope I was able to offer as much to you as you gave to me. Bless you!! I really needed this today!